Bring on the miracles.

Remember that miracle man I was going to go looking for? Still AWOL, if he actually exists. I'm absent myself next week, but not without leave, I have an actual signed leave application (Take the hint, you bloody miracle mongrel!). Sorry, feeling a bit aggro this morning.

I don't want to give up on love, I don't I don't I don't! But, sweet jesus, how the hell do I keep holdin' on to something that I've only ever heard of? Kinda like the Tasmanian Tiger, people keep seeing it, but it's never been properly documented, and according to science it's been extinct for decades. Or like Bigfoot, only seen by drunken, doubtful hicks that take grainy pictures of cousins in gorilla suits. Or the Loch Ness Monster. The stuff of deception and legend.

Anyway, I'm back under the radar emotionally speaking, I've managed to tame the animal in me that tries to tear through my skin every now and then. Back to smooth and steady. Hopefully, I'll be able to get this awful season over without another outbreak threat. Gawd, I hate the holiday season!

Plans further on: doing the last shopping and preparations this weekend, taking my brother to see a movie. Leaving Christmas morning for Makhado, to spend the day with mom's family, coming back same day. Then basically staying at home doing things I don't get the chance to do during normal working days. Like move around Misha's room, etc. Then spending New Year's at home (by choice), like I have the past 4 years. Then back to work on the 2nd. Oh joy! I can hardly contain my excitement.

Yule is over, last night was solstice. In the Southern Hemisphere this signals the height of summer, and the turning of the season towards winter. I've been having that hibernating feeling for a long time, so it'll be good when the season finally catches up with me.

I'm out, another miserable Christmas ahead. To all the happy people out there, I wish you continued happiness. To all the not-happy people out there, I wish us all miracles.

Deeper and deeper I go

Bad, bad day. It started yesterday afternoon, there's this guy that visits our office every now and then (so I hear), who thinks I have nice legs. Fine, I have no problem with that. Now I hear he's been asking about me, am I married, blah blah blah. No problem with that, either. I mean, he can do what he likes, right? He's not bothering me. I know his name, and asked my friend whether he knows him yesterday at lunch. Turns out he does. They went to school together. His reaction? "He just wants to bonk you!" Oooooookay. And this is gonna help me get over my agression toward men ...... how, exactly? If even guys think that about guys .... argh! let me not start that again.

So, I tell my mom the story, expecting her to laugh, nope, she agrees. Again, isn't anybody LISTENING????? I need some positive reinforcement here!!!!! That aside, next soryline.

I mentioned waaaaaayyy before, that I have a disabled brother, well, he's staying with us for now, he's spending Christmas with mom, so he's been staying with my sis during the day, and then we pick him up after gym, and go home. Last night he informs us that he brought money to go see a movie, and we discuss which movie he'd enjoy. We did not, however talk about when this movie would be watched, so he apparently decided it was to be last night. After dinner he asks me whether we're going to the movies and I tell him, no. He storms out, and ignores me for the rest of the night. Before then, as we arrived home, he tell me he knows a secret, now my brother cannot keep a secret, and most of all, he loves telling people what they're getting for Christmas. Now, I like surprises, so I always beg him not to tell me, which he usually does anyway. So last night, I ask him not to tell me the secret. As we get home and start the trek from the car to the house, he asks my mother whether he can tell me, so I say "No! I don't want to know!", upon which I get shouted at that I'm making it very difficult for him, he just want to appologise for my toaster he broke, and give me a new one (that my mom bought). But she was really hurtful about it, and that upset me. So, he appologises and gives me this godawful orange toaster. Fine, I'm happy about the fact that I can give my son his favourite breakfast again. I'm just really upset about being the one that everybody's frustration gets poured out on. I don't really know how to fix it though, without getting bitchy and nasty myself.

To be honest, I haven't felt this shut down in months, if not years. And now, I remember how much I hate this feeling. So, I started the day resolving to find out why exactly I'm feeling so hurt, and fix it. Maybe I can fix it before I get totally wedged in the mud. Start the swimming to the top, instead of sinking to the bottom, while I'm still halfway down.

I miss my son, horrendously.

Phew!

Almost lost you there! Haven't been able to sign in on my blog all morning, now all of sudden I can! Yay!!

Yesterday got a call from one of my bestest friends, who moved away, and is back now. We had lunch to catch up, which was really nice! I'm very attached to the friends I have, and missed him A LOT! There's a very old song I used to listen to when I was small, that describes it accurately. I'll have to translate, but it basically says that 'the people that I love, grows on me like moss, there I let them thrive, and when one leaves, it leaves a wound that just won't heal', well, that's how I feel about my friends. Like a little hermit crab that searches for a shell that fits just right, then adds a beautiful anemone, and builds layers to buffer itself the outside world, covering itself in beautiful, strong things.

We have a tentative lunch date for today again, so I hope I'll be seeing him again this afternoon, I still haven't refilled totally, I need more time till I can continue normally.

A start

Still holding on to the sentiments expressed yesterday, holding out for faith. I am working on it, damn it! Can't scale Kilimanjaro in a day, you know. So far I haven't gotten angry at any staring men, and I only cursed at one man yesterday, cos he was driving like his ass.

I am being nice, which is a start.

Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand

and lead me through the fire

be the long awaited answer

to a long and painful fight.

Truth be told I've tried my best

but somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

and the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know

so don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

We all begin with good intent

love was raw and young.

We believed that we could change ourselves

the past could be undone.

But we carry on our backs the burden

time always reveals

in the lonely light of morning

in the wound that would not heal.

It's the bitter taste of losing everything

that I've held so dear.

I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know ...

So don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

Heaven bend to take my hand

nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to those I thought were friends

to everyone I know

Oh they turn their heads embarrassed

pretend that they don't see

but it's one missed step

one slip before you know it

and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know

So don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

Sarah McLachlan

Accepting faith

I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to believe in faith. I just don't know how, yet. My weekend was pleasant, peaceful, if uneventful, that was by choice. I went to watch a movie with my mom and brother, worked in the vegetable garden, and generally took it easy.

All along I've been trying to analyse faith, to find out how you actually work it, what the method is behind it. Stupid, eh? I know, there is no logic, or instructions, you either have it, or you don't. So, now I have to work on accepting things I canoot prove. In other areas of my life, that's never been a problem, I mean, I believe in magick, I believe in the feyfolk, angels, all kinds of creatures and powers I can't prove. But, once again, I have felt them, I have worked magick and know it's powerful and exists, I have felt the presence of angels, and faeries, so I have experienced them. Now, I have to have that same belief of something I've never experienced, so that'll definitely be more of a challenge.

Hold thumbs for me, I'm venturing out in a big bad world, with nothing but faith to keep me safe.

The pic is there to help me gather courage, and act less like a scared child, if only for his sake.

Instead of the answer (or no answer, ever), I was dreading from JC, I got a joke. That's right, he chose to go the neutral route, and send me a joke. Not quite what I expected, but in the place of resentment, or any such emotions, I am totally resigned to his neutrality. I was relieved to hear from him, to be honest, and prefer exchanging jokes to any deep, meaningful conversations, which is what I thought I'd want. He is, and will probably be for a long time, a part of my life, whether I chose it, or not. Finally, I can think about him in the nostalgic, sentimental way you think about people who enriched your life, then moved on. I wish him happiness, and success. And I miss him, but not that raw, intense missing that hurts so bad it makes you gasp. It's a more mellow missing, which is infinitely preferable. Gonna try and keep it that way.

Faith makes no sense

Last night, I had a debate about faith with my mom. Not the religious kind of faith, mind you, just the ability to have faith in general. Or, in my case, having faith that there are "good" men somewhere, and that I will meet one of them sometime. This was all triggered by my visit to my collegue. After basically licking me clean, and swallowing me whole on Wednesday (figuratively), yesterday he was cold, and very businesslike. So, seeing as I couldn't really miss it, I took my cue from him, dropped off the gifts, and hightailed it outta there. Now before that, in my not-so-worldwise opinion, he was on the list of one day being qualified as a "good" man.

Let's examine the factors that contributed to this opinion, shall we:

• He is very thoughtful;
  
• He speaks quietly, and calmly;
  
• He seems very rational;
  
• He smiles frequently;
  
• He takes forever to loose his temper, and even then, stays calm;
  
• He likes children;
  
• He has a very high work-ethic (and the direction he's in, that's very important).

Looking through the list, it seems a little flimsy. But, I suppose it's the vibe, his aura. I'm just very attracted to his calmness, his solidness. He seems safe, but I know that he has a very sensuous streak beneath the calm exterior, which I like too. Now, I've known him for years, around 6, I think. And we've always had a really great rapport, which occasionally turned into outrageous flirtation, but I never, ever saw him as a potential partner, cos he's in a relationship. Recent evidence that all may not be as it seems with said relationship, is basically what made me think there might be some possibility. Plus, his very obvious attraction, which he didn't really bother to hide much the last couple of months. So, I tried, in my way, to show him that I was interested too, to the point that I got questioned about the amount of times I'd been there.

My point is, I was reacting to what I perceived as very positive signals, and yesterday, that was stopped, rather abruptly. Now, I don't really care about the why, this just changed my opinion of him, the sudden turn-about left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't understand his motives, and even though I don't really feel a burning need to, I feel that he can go take a flying leap right about now. So, the one and only potential "good" guy, has frozen himself right off that very short list.

So, to get back to the debate. I asked her how you can have faith in something, without having anything to support that faith. Let's take a silly example, that dogs have personalities. Some believe they don't, I got my first dog when I was around 7, and have spent my whole life with at least one dog around, at the moment I have 4, plus my mom's 2. And I know, without any doubt, that they have souls and complex personalities. Because I've experienced it, I've seen it, I've felt it. I KNOW IT. So, if someone tells me that no, they don't, I know that that's bullshit, because I know the opposite is true, out of experience.

My question remains: if all I've had from men in my life, is pain, hurt, etc etc etc, and I've come to the conclusion that men are the physical manifestation of the world's evil, and someone tells me that that's not true, without having any proof to convince me, how the hell do I just have blind faith that there are good men? That's just not logical, is it? If someone tells me a peach is a cucumber, and has no way to prove my belief that it's a peach, is wrong, WHY would I believe that it's a cucumber?

Mom told me that I have to have faith, which brought us full circle, no closer to an answer. Right after that, the first program I watched on tv, ended with one of the characters saying something that amounted to us not always having to understand why things happen, but that we have to trust, have faith, regardless. Seeing as I don't believe in coincidence, I get the message. Just not so sure I am able to just blindly believe in something, when everything in me, my very cells, tell me the exact opposite is true.

What the universe is telling me basically, is to chuck all my beliefs about men, formed out of a lifetime's experiences, out the window, and try to become an innocent, naive little girl, at least as far as men are concerned. Forget that I know how drunk men beat their wives, and play nasty, scary, painfull, games with their children, forget that I had my first contact with a penis before I even had the knowledge to be able to deal with it in any kind of way, forget that men has desired me for all the wrong reasons all my life, forget that I'll never earn more, or even as much as a man, because I don't have a penis, no matter how hard I work. Forget that I've locked myself in a room to get away from a sadist, who wanted to hurt me, because he got off on that. Forget that I've had to talk and think myself out of potential rape-situations more than once, forget that men never take my no seriously without me having to repeat it again and again. Forget that I've had to learn to fight dirty, use my looks, manipulate, be someone I don't want to, because that's all men react to. Forget that I am 'less' for being a woman, in each and every man's eyes, that I know. Forget that I have to fight that much harder for everything I have, because I am not a man. Forget that I am being harrassed, and have been harrassed, to the point of changing my address and phone number, by men who won't believe that their insistence is not gonna make me spread my legs. Forget that men have hurt me in every way there is to hurt someone.

Now don't get me wrong, if I had a choice, I would come back as a woman again and again. I don't want to be the being that brings misery, ever. But, I think you get my point, changing my mind about men, is gonna take more than just faith, it'll take a fuckin freshly-baked miracle, and if someone knows where to get those, let me know, I'm all out of ingredients.

I wonder if I'll ever have a different reason to gripe, that'd be rather refreshing. Virgin territory for me, for sure! In the meantime, don't contact me for a whle, I'll be busy scouring the streets for my friendly neighbourhood miracle-man. Yeah, right.

Better now

Ok, I'm better today. Not great, but I have smiled since getting out of bed, and since it's not even 8 yet, that's a good sign.

Had a call from one of my friends last night, explaining that she'd met the guy I was seeing (with the drinking problem) and that he hit on her. Now, she obviously didn't tell me everything, but he has her number, and has been calling and texting. My first reaction was anger, how could she? Then, I tried to figure out who I was actually angry with, and why. The who part - him, for being so terribly male, and trying just about anything to get into someone's pants. (Someone who, if anything he told me was true, is SO not his type). The why - I think I might want him to still miss me enough not to want to screw anyone else. (Which is ludicrous, let's say it together, "He is male"!, after all). She said that once she realised it was him, she left it, although I don't altogether believe her, and told her that she was being nasty, and that he might actually really like her. The conversation got a little stilted after that, and she hung up pretty quickly. Now, it just feels weird, and I can kinda understand why most friends don't date their friend's ex'es. But, I feel that if she really likes him, she should go ahead and see him, maybe it's meant to be. Maybe she can mean enough to him to stop drowning himself.

Ok, over that. I did finally chat to my collegue yesterday, quite by accident. My boss sent me on an errand to his floor, and I shouted a greeting as I ran past his office. His reply made me turn back. First thing I did, tattle on his rude receptionist like a three-year old! I told him that I tried to reach him to ask a favour, but that I couldn't get past her. He laughed and said I should ignore her, and come straight in. He insisted I should tell him the favour I wanted to ask, so I did, and he said that I was welcome to keep the gifts there. So I brought them this morning, and will go in a while. He told me that I had to come visit him before he went on leave, which sounds promising, but I am not going to let my mind go it's usual cooky, obsessive, scary route in planning 200 different scenarios of what might happen.

I got very emotional when I told him that my son had left for his holiday, and I suddenly realised that that was a very big contributing factor to my feeling crappy. More so than I thought. If you take into account that my days are filled with looking after my son from my waking second till I pass out on my bed, it's hardly surprising that not seeing him for more than a month should upset me. Pretty normal.

Bad mood.

My not-so-bad-mood af the past few days, seems to have disappeared. Due to a number of different factors.

First, my son left on holiday to the coast with his father today, and as per usual, his (I want to use the word idiot, but won't) father made no set arrangements with me regarding his Christmas gifts, and now my son is disappointed, and I'm sure it's being blamed on me.

Second, I was trying to contact my collegue yesterday, to ask whether I could keep a couple of gifts in his office 'till Friday, so the person they're for, can take them home, but his receiptionist obviously feels obligated to protect him from me, as she kept me from reaching him. And she really pissed me off with the way she made me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and disgusting, by trying to reach him. I mean, I know he's out of bounds, and I do not jump his bones everytime I see him (even if I'd really like to), but he's still my friend, and I like talking to him, and don't, for the life of me, understand why I should feel guilty about it. I'm in two minds, one to keep pursuing the issue, to get to her. Or, to give up totally, cos it's just aggravating me.

I am sooooooooo tired of being treated like some kind of scarlet woman just because I am divorced, not in a relationship, and have more male friends than female. And I know, the proverb says that there's no smoke without a fire, but in this case, believe me, I am no slut. I have in fact, been told by male friends that I'm too conservative.

Anyway, I have to go run an errand for by boss, so I'll cut the lament short. I just hope the day's gonna end better than if friggin started!

The Filling Earth

1. 
   

Another morning. Another day to get over with. Another meaningless collection of hours stretching endlessly in front of me. Today I wish I was standing in a newly plowed field, with the smell of earth and heat, and fertility all around and inside me.





I am sad, that strange inexplicable sadness that gently reminds you that this is a life wasted. Every hour that passes without love, is one that is forever lost.





If only I could be on a farm, where I could put my hands in the earth and water, and feel how Earth nurtures, how She births all, and feeds all, and fills all. This magnificent power has always made me feel less empty on days like this. Like my tears have a reason, and that they contribute to something, even if it is only to give back a minute amount of mineral salts taken from Her.





I very badly need to find a way to live over this hole, or fill it with some unknown substance. It's like I know what my purpose is, and I'm keeping my back to it. Only I don't, all I know is this terrible longing. Like I should be full, like you are when you have a baby inside, like I should be creating a new life with my body. Like I should be with the person that makes me full, and that's my purpose.Only I'm not, and to be honest, I think that I may never be, so I'm responsible for wasting this precious thing.



I'm wasting my own life, and the others I could make full. Sad.

No sleep for the wicked

No sleep this weekend. Why? Cos I was busy fantasising about a certain collegue of mine, imagining what it would feel like to kiss him, really kiss him, since I've only given him friendly happy-birthday pecks so far. Now, I know, that previously I decided that he was off-limits, but after some encouragement from a rather surprising source - my mother, I gave him a call Friday-morning, using a work-related excuse, of course, which turned into a chat-session. Now, I do realise that this is nothing more than flirting, and that dreaming about him, and losing sleep about him, is ridiculous, but I can't help it. Maybe it's hormones, maybe my heart's stupidly set on him. Since I don't think I'd recognise love (or even being in love) if it took a piece out of my ass, I can't be sure.

I do know that I'm going to miss his sexy voice when he goes on leave this Friday. But, I'm hoping that having no contact for a few weeks will cool my heels. He's just another unavailable male, and since I know that my pattern is to be attracted to unavailable men, I also know that I have to do somthing about stopping it, before I drive myself nuttier. I was hoping to have contact with him before he goes, but today I'm kinda against the idea. His office is on another floor of my building, and I can always think up some excuse to visit that floor, since it's a vital part of our business, but he has no reason at all to visit my floor. So, the only contact we have is always initiated by me, which I'm growing very tired of. People are starting to question my motives for being there, which worries me, too close to the truth. And, I don't want to be responsible for his reputation taking a dive. (And since I have the G-team (Gossipers) watching me, that might happen soon). So, I'm gonna try to stay away. And not drive myself crazy for not being able to stop daydreaming, and nightdreaming about him. Sheesh!

MoFo Festive Season

Feedback first: No answer from JC. Collegue was locked in his office, with his receiptionist in front of the door, with a big "Do Not Disturb" sign carved in her forehead. Joking, of course - he had his door closed, and when I enquiried where he was later on, I got attitude from the volunteer body guard. I'm taking this as a negative answer on the question I asked about us having any future. Ah well.

I might be going out with friends tonight. I'm saying 'might', cos I don't want to. Although I love my friends lately I've been having a lot of problems with their general attitude regarding women. Some of them are the quintessential chauvinist assholes. I cannot stand it now, oh boy! My hair stands on end at the end of an evening, and I feel like spitting at them like a cat. So, I'm very uncomfortable with them these days. So, I'll go, but I don't expect to enjoy it much.

Anyway, I'm still on emotional autopilot, the numb feeling is back. Think it has to do with the time of year, I am not a big fan of the festive season. It makes my normally kinda 'dusky' oulook on life, a little more like midnight.

Wait and see........

There's definitely something to be said for physical excercise. I am not usually a fan, but I have to admit that I feel better physically since we started gymming. A little more energy; I've been sleeping well for the past week (very strange for me) and it's nice to be so tired that I actually fall asleep, and don't hover on the brink of waking and sleeping all night.

No word yet from JC, but I am still ok with that. I'm just glad I let him know how I feel, and his reaction is not really gonna change anything about that.

My confidante has been informed about my conflcting feelings for that collegue of mine, with the "housemate". Strangely enough, she finds the situation amusing, and seem to think that I should pretend the "housemate" doesn't exist. Since she's the one who taught me not to mess with people's relationships, I find that very disconcerting. On the other hand, I've been staying away from his office on purpose lately, cos when I see him often, I want to see him more often. And I have this horrible urge to be honest with him about my feelings. I think I'll go say hi today, see what happens. Seeing him always leaves me frustrated, wanting something more. Not good for the hormones.

Dedicated to JC

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right, to ask me how I feel
You have no right, to speak to me so kind
We can't go on, just holding on to time
Now that we're living seperate lives

Well I held on, to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living living
Seperate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation

So you build that wall (build that wall)

Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right, to ask me how I feel
You have no right, to speak to me so kind
Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living seperate lives
Yes, for now, we'll go on living seperate lives

Seperate lives - Phil Collins

Did it.

I did it. This is what I e-mailed back:

I’ll be honest: I am quiet because I don’t like missing you so much. I was just getting used to not seeing you any more, then you came to visit, and now it’s like before. So, the less contact we have, the easier it is for me to get used to you not being around. It sounds silly, I know. You’d think, I’d have gotten over that by now.

So, now we wait for his reply, IF he replies. I feel better, small step, but hopefully a meaningful one.

Yay for me!

Courage baby, courage!

E-mail from JC this morning. He wants to know why I'm so quiet. And, since I promised to be honest next time we had contact, I still want to be, I just need a little time to get the courage up. I'll let you know how it went.

Griping, again!

Please, know right from the start of this, that I am not a vain person. That said, I attract a lot of attention. I'm not really sure why, I think it's the whole blonde-blue-eyed-curves-in-the-right-places-thing. Whatever the reason, I have always found this very, very unpleasant, pretty much since I noticed it. Thing is, I don't know why, I mean I can rationalise my anger any way I want to, and I have some pretty good arguments, but in the end, it makes no sense.

My first reaction when I find a man staring at me, is to tell him to fuck off, while smiling nicely. I don't, of course, but the feeling stays. Or if someone makes remarks in the street, it gets me steaming, and it's just the 18-years of being told to be nice, that stops me rounding on them, and telling them exactly what I think of the prehistoric behaviour. Men always seem to find me "something" to have a pissing contest over. "Oh, I could bend that over my desk reeeeeaaal good!", or "that ass is just asking for it!" the list is endless. It's gotten to the point, that I never take compliments seriously, whether they are sincere and nice, or one of the not so subtle variety. Now, my confidante (my mom) and I have discussed this endlessly. Do I have a reason for my aggressive reaction? I don't know. What I do know is that this is a way men show appreciation, and they are visually-inclined creatures. So, technically, I should view the rude comments, gestures, tongues hanging out, whistles, unwelcome approaches etc etc as compliments.

Antoher thing that bugs the crap out of me, and I think most of the single females who hang out with couples a lot, will be able to relate: You arrive at a braai (barbeque) and the moment you enter the room, every wife, girlfriend, significant other, grabs her man by the arm. Or talks louder, or puts her hand on his back, tries to stake her claim, and get his attention in one way or the other. I have had women shove into some pretty small spaces just to avoid me standing next to their boyfriends, or husbands. I have never, ever, ever-ever-ever given ANY woman reason to see me as a threat to her relationship. And since these are usually people that I at least consider casual friends, the fact that people who supposedly know me, reacts like this, drives me up the wall. They should know better.

And the gossip! Oh my lord, if I only I'd done 10% of the things I've been accused of, my god! I would be one hell of an expert in bed! And, the ratio of men who spread rumours actually match the women! Currently, my list of lovers has a total of 3 names on it. Not counting the one-night stand, since I don't consider him a lover. Compared to the stories circulating, you could probably multiply that at least 10 times, should you be a gossip-believer.

My point is, I have allowed other people's insecurities to get to me, I react angrily to compliments, I don't go out with my friends who happen to be part of a couple, and in general don't trust any comments about my appearance. I tone down what I wear, so as not to be too noticeable. I find that I dress in something I like, and when I see how it shows off my curves, I feel like I look vulgar, or like I'm inviting the reactions I get, and change into something less flattering. Which is silly, if my appearance makes other people uncomfortable, it's not my problem really, is it? Other women I see on a daily basis dress a helluva lot more provocatively than I do, yet I'm the one who gets the dirty looks, remarks and gossip.

I've kinda resolved to work on that, to not make other people's insecurities my own. This will be a hard one, though. I am not a heartless, black-widow bitch out to snare anything with a penis just to prove I can, and the fact that some people would have everybody believe that, actually hurts, I don't enjoy making people uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I go out of my way not to. Which is something that might end soon, so to all those people out there who find me ...... whatever ...... Deal with it! In future, I WILL wear that low-cut top, and that short skirt, cos I can! If everybody else can, so-the-fuck-can-I! So just swallow that forked tongue before you bite yourself while grinding your teeth, and deal with it, darlin!

Cherries; cos they make me feel better.

Mornings & Evenings

I am still feeling like crap. Like I am that internal waterfall, outside smooth and calm, while inside the waters are wearing the surface smooth, and thundering into deep pools, way down in the dark parts of me. I want to cry, and cry, and cry.

Old and jaded, I look at other people and think: "Why are they smiling? What do they have that I don't, that enables them to laugh? What possibilities do they see in this day, or the future, that makes them happy?"

My life has been reduced to an endless string of mornings and evenings. Get up, wake Misha, feed Misa, dress Misha, take Misha to school. The hours inbetween disappear, they are meaningless. Leave work, pick up Misha, feed Misha, bathe Misha, get Misha in bed, read to Misha. Sleep. This is what my life is, nothing more. And, don't get me wrong, I adore my son, but the since Mom is not all I am, it feels like the rest is shrivelling up, and soon it'll blow away.

Feels like I'm looking out of an empty dusty field where I'm standing alone, into a beautiful forest, full of love and possibilities, and I know I'm not allowed in there.

I am less than I started out as, parts of me are lost, or just expired cos they were never used. Diminished, smaller, not whole. I cannot hold everything I'm supposed to.

I have been boiled down to a useless puddle of syrup in the middle of the pan. Destined to be the mom to a son who "is too busy" too loud, too headstrong, too too too. He will forever be "TOO" in some way. That's who he is, forever and ever, amen. But since that's not usual, he's also destined to be made to feel abnormal, forever and ever, amen. And no amount of loving on my side, can ever fix that. That hurts. Knowing how unforgiving "normal" people are, I hurt for my son's sake, and wish I could somehow shield him from the cruelty waiting around the corner. And since this is the one and only purpose left at the moment, and I have no way of preventing it, what is left over?

I used to know that I'm a good mom, these days I'm not so sure. These days I wonder whether he wouldn't be better off without me. These days I'm wondering who'd notice if I just disappeared, and the list is pitiful. My mom, my son, my animals, and after a few days, my boss. Very replaceable, I am invisible, I am taking up space in a crowded world, without any redeeming qualities that could justify me being here. All the dreams and visions I had, of the difference I would make, of the people I would love, of the hurts I would soothe, the way I would makes lives better.

Now and for the future I can see, there's mornings and evenings. And waiting for the world to win, there's no more fight left. I'm tired.

Aaaaaah! Back away!

I am in a kak bui, which translated into English, means that I'm in a very crappy mood.
Not feeling fresh at all, and all the shit I'm trying to figure out, is getting to me. I'm tired, and fed-up.

So that's all I have to say.

I have issues, you see?

Not sure whether I've mentioned it before, but I have issues.

Specifically, issues with men.

Basically, I regard men (and yes, I am generalising here, to illustrate my point) as ruled by the remnants of a reptilian brain, which makes them unfeeling, selfish, disrespectful, manipulative, aggressive, abusive, close-minded, arrogant, hurtful bastards. Who will hump anything that has a hole in it.

Harsh, I know.

But, before crucifying me, here's the field of reference that this is based on:

Let's start at birth, shall we? Right off the bat, I was an accident, my sister was barely 9 months old, before my mom was pregnant again. Not planned. So when I popped out, being the second girl within 2 years, hardly endeared me to my father. I spent about 22 years trying to make up for the disappointment of my birth, generally grovelling at his feet for acceptance, but trying to step out of the shadow of a national champion athelete (sister), and being my own person, who did not run fast enough, or jump far enough etc etc, didn't do me much good. Yes, I excelled in my own way, but being the best in my dance school never quite cut it. He never once, in the 12 years I danced, had the time to see me dance, he was too busy supporting my sister.
Ok, age 4, my first brother is born, but instead of being the rugby-playing, macho guy my father wanted, he turns out to have Downs-syndrome. He still went on to become a champion athlete, but being disabled, in my father's eyes, that didn't count. So, he started drinking. And beating, getting drunk, dragging my mom around by the hair, raping her, beating her black and blue (but only places that her clothing would cover - clever bastard, can't let people know, you know.) I basically grew up with the sound of my mom begging and screaming behind the bedroom door.
He did give us beatings, but never as bad as my the ones my mom got.
Skip ahead a few years, my father hires a gardener. I like him, he's friendly. I was probably around 8, and I remember him calling me behind a wall, and showing me his penis. I don't remember anything after that, but I have a feeling that that's not all that happened. Never been able to remember, and I have tried. I still have trouble touching a penis without feeling revulsion.
Ok, at 19, I'm studying, and receive a call from my mom saying she's leaving, and that I shouldn't worry if I don't hear from her for a while. I tell her I think she's doing the right thing. Afterwards my sister tells me my father went looking for her with a gun, which she, for some reason, thinks was justified.
In the meantime, I never dated seriously, I kiss a few guys, but make them back off as soon as I can. Managed to not get raped, in several very dangerous situations. Fall in love, with the jerk I'd end up marrying at 23. We date a few times, I find him exciting, and a little dangerous, he skips class, smokes at school, hangs out with the "cool" guys.
My father and I don't talk, so although he disapproves, I don't care. We marry, against my mom's wishes, I tell her I love him, and realise that I made a mistake within a few months. But I stay. For 6 years, I become invisible, the background he lives his live on, I carry him and all the responsibility, but have to melt into the scenery, my personality supresses his, you see. I have my son at 28, and move out when my son is barely a year old.
My ex husband tells my mom that the only reason he agreed to the divorce was that someone told him "she'll never manage on her own", and I'd come crawling back. Divorcing him is something I have never had any ambigious feelings about, if I stayed, I don't think I'd be alive today.
I move in with my father, since I have nowhere else to go. Become my disabled brother's nurse, mommy, and caretaker. Try to raise my son not to be like his grandfather, while my father tries his level best to raise him "properly", since I obviously, have no idea what I'm doing. I move out.
Then the sado-masochistic Canadian, then the alcoholic, that I've blogged about before, and don't feel like writing about now.
My father and I still don't have much contact, I speak to him when I have to, and accept the fact that we'll never have a father-daughter relationship. This still makes me sad, I still feel somehow, not enough, like there's something wrong with me, if even my father (who is bioligically programmed to care about his own progeny) cannot love me. He's still the one and only person that makes me cry when I think about him.

There has always been an abundance of domineering, manipulating men in my life, one replacing the other, as soon as I manage to get rid of one, another shows up. Since I realised this, I do manage to get rid of them faster, eg. 6 months, instead of 2 years, but they just keep on appearing. So, obviously, these are the kind of men I attract. It frustrates the crap out of me, since I don't know how, and consequently, don't know how to change that.

My survival instinct, that part that tells you, Run or Fight, tries to blame it on men, and rationalise it by learning that all men are like the ones in my life. Now, I'm not sure that all men are, plenty of people have told me that not all are, but as I have no evidence to the contrary, I'm inclined to agree with the part that has proof. I've invited men (plenty of them) to prove me wrong, and no, I'm not talking about any kind of sexual contact, I mean, trying to convince me that some men are actually not bad, that some are actually nice, and won't try to swallow me, and force me to conform to their idea of who I should be. So far, and I'm turning 34 in 6 months, not one has.

Now, according to my beliefs, I should be able to blindly believe in good men. I should. I should allow them in, invite them in, and give them a chance. Instead, I stand ready to bolt for the door, at the first sign of aggression. And almost breathe a sigh of relief when they invariably turn out to be what I expect. But honestly, can you blame me?

Are there any good men out there, or are the women who say yes, just blind, or turning their faces away from the truth? "None so blind, as those who will not see". At the moment, this logically, seems like the most plausible scenario. Logically, I should not give any man a chance, I should run like hell as soon as one turns his head my way. Which is exactly what I'm doing, so how come, being a logical, rational creature, feels like I'm depriving myself of something beautiful? I want to be proven wrong. I just don't believe I will be.

See, what'd I tell you. Issues.

BallslessStalkerAss

Got the first anonymous missed call in a week today. Not upset about it, which is strange. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in, and I'll get upset at BallslessStalkerAss some other time.
Go figure.

Orange, Pink, Circles.

You with the sad eyes

don't be discouraged

Oh, I realise

it's hard to take courage

in a world full of people,

you can lose sight of it all

and the darkness inside you

can make you feel so small.

But I see your true colours

shining through.

I see your true colours

and that's why I love you,

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colours

true colours are beautiful,

like a rainbow

Show me a smile then

don't be unhappy, can't remember

when I last saw you laughing.

If this world makes you crazy

and you've taken all you can bear

you call me up

because you know I'll be there.

And I'll see your true colours

shining through.

I see your true colours

and that's why I love you,

so don't be afraid to let them show

your true colours

true colours are beautiful,

like a rainbow.

Today, I caught myself singing as I walk. Don't know why, but I certainly don't mind. A little joy, no matter how insignificant or mysterious, can only do good.

"True Colours" by Cindy Lauper, one of the most beautiful songs I know. Wish I could let mine out from behind The Wall inside more often. I know they're pretty spectacular too.

Joy, in the Colour therapy world, is represented by the colour Orange. A colour I avoided like the Bubonic Plague. In the last month or two, I've been finding myself dressed in orange at least once a week. Love, represented by Pink. Hated pink! Couldn't stand it! Always considered women wearing pink, wussies. Now, at least twice a week, I look down, and observe the softer side of me, liking this emotionally loaded (for me) colour. Very strange. Curiouser and curiouser. I often wonder where all this is leading me, and getting impatient about arriving wherever I'm supposed to be. But then, I have to kinda talk myself down, knowing that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, no matter how frustrating all this walking in circles are.

At least, I'm getting to know the person I could be, all orange and pink and softer. Like I am inside, way deep inside, where I've hidden it all.

I know, I know

Third time today, I know!
Just having a bit of a confusing day, and since I don't share with real-life people that well, I'm sharing it with my little corner of the Internet.

Some days the ache for someone to have, to hold, to share with is so bad, if I think about it too long, it takes my breath away, and I have to gasp, to get enough oxygen into my lungs. Today is one of those days. It makes my body feel like I'm being "beamed up" like in the Star Trek movies, when they stand on that pad thingie, and you see their bodies go kinda elongated, like the spces between their cells are being stretched. It makes me ache. Everywhere, my heart, my throat, my womb.

Like it's physically abnormal for me not to have someone to run to, and be enveloped. Like it's a requirement for healthy existence that I be touched with affection, and my body is starting to fade because it's not getting affection. And, god knows, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't make someone touch me, and I won't debase myself for a few minutes of sex with a willing body, just to ease the ache. It has to mean something. It has to. Goddess Mother of All, please, please, please, I need , I need, I need.

Fix, please.

Signs

Still single, managed to evade the person my family wanted to introduce me to. Wasn't that difficult really, since the one & only time I had to be in close proximity he was hammered, and some shade netting seperated us. So I could safely wave politely, and hightail it. I very adamantly refused any invites thereafter that would've brought me anywhere near him. Still don't know what he looks like, and don't care. Call me a bitch, but showing up smashed when you know that there'll be a bunch of total strangers, seems kinda stupid to me. But, that's a personal opinion, if that's how he does things, all hail. As one of his 'friends' said, "André always has a glass in his hand. " Good for you, André, good for you!

I do not have to deal with that, and I would consider myself really friggin' dumb, to even try and deal with that. Once bitten, and all that. Whatever, not my problem.

That numb feeling that started last week continued through the weekend, and today is still the same. Don't know why, but I do know it's not a good sign. I usually feel this way at the start of a major depression. Not good.

Listen to the songs

The Captain of her Heart - Doublè

*

It was way past midnight

and she still couldn't fall asleep

This night the dream was leavin'

she tried so hard to keep

And with the new day's dawning

she felt it driftin' away

Not only for a cruise

Not only for a day

*

Too long ago

too long apart

she couldn't wait another day for

the Captain of her Heart

*

As the day came up she made a start

she stopped waiting another day for

the Captain of her Heart

*

Too long ago

too long apart

she couldn't wait another day for

the Captain of her Heart

*

As the day came up

she made a stop

she stopped waiting another day for

the Captain of her Heart

*

Too long ago

too long apart

she could't wait another day for

the Captain of her Heart.

*********************

Colorblind - Counting Crows

*

I am colorblind

Coffee black, and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready,

I am ready,

I am ready,

I am ....

*

Taffy stuck and tongue tied,

stutter shook and uptight

Pull me out from inside

I am ready,

I am ready,

I am ready,

I am .... fine ....

*

I am covered in skin,

no one gets to come in.

Pull me out from inside

I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding.

I am

colorblind

Coffee black, and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready,

I am ready,

I am ready,

I am .... fine.

I am .... fine.

I am fine.

*****************

I am not shining today.

Middle ground

I am no longer steaming, as a matter of fact, I received a text message from the suspect, thanking me for teaching him the lesson that you should protect the ones you love at all cost. Go figure. No idea what that's about, but no anonymous phone calls since then. (Thank you, Universe) Phone peace at last. I'm having faith that it was, indeed, him, and that now the calls will stop.

Kinda in a strange mood, like I'm floating somewhere in the earth's atmosphere, not touching ground, but not having to breathe unearthly air either. Just somewhere inbetween. Not really peacefull, not really stressed, just calm.

Still working on faith, and so far it's going well. Starting at a gym today, hoping to work on my energy levels, and of course, a little toning can't hurt.

Had a very strange talk with that collegue of mine I blogged about a while ago. We were joking about me needing a man, and he made a comment about not standing a chance if I'm only interested in farmers. So I told him that I don't mess with "taken" men, cos he mos stays with a woman he calls his 'housemate'. That said, he just lowered his head, and shook it. But tried to keep me in his office as long as possible. Another puzzle. I wish he'd stop telling me he's available, if he's not, or if he is, get his ass in gear, and do something about the chemistry. It's driving me nuts. Another thing that'll sort itself out, I suppose.

I do like him, a lot, and can see the 2 of us having a great time together, but I've never let myself get any closer that I am, because I know he's involved. It would be really nice to find out if we'd be as good together as I think we might be. Ah well, que sera sera.

Still nothing from JC, but I'm ok with that. It's kinda annoying that I keep thinking about him, but as everything else, I suppose not contantly having him on my mind, will take a while. Here's to believing in endings.

Blessed be.

Health Warning to Men: Avoid reading this if you don't like The Burn

Today, I could cheerfully swallow someone's head, without chewing. Today, the dragon is just burning to fry someone! So stand back.

Yes, I'm in a shitty mood. Frustrated as hell, and pissed off.

See, I have a phone stalker. And, up till now I could handle the bastard blocking his number, phoning any time of day, and hanging up when I answer, or if I don't answer, just letting it ring, and then hanging up. But today, I've had it. I'm am SO fed-up. I think it might be the alcoholic I dated a while back, remember? (Read archives if your don't). Whatever, I want it to STOP! Seriously, it's really freaking me out that someone can be so psychotic as to purposefully phone me just to drop the phone, day in and day out, over the course of almost 4 months!! I'm sorry, that's just sick. I mean, how depraved do you have to be to get some kind of kick out of that for such a long time! GET A LIFE! Coward! Mooooooove on, fuck someone, drink yourself blind, lose my number, pleeeeeeeeaaaasssseeee! If it's not him (which I doubt, since it started around the time I told him to move on), I appologise. And redirect the above comments to the other sick fuck who gets off on stalking.

Can anyone out there tell me why the hell I have to put up with sick behaviour from men? Is this a trait of the sex, or am I just that special? Whoever you are, do you even realise the damage you're doing to your sex's already severely tarnished image? At least from my viewpoint? You are just the last in a long line of dicks who have believed that the little blonde with the cutie face is gonna melt at your feet into a wet puddle and beg you to make me yours, just for owning a penis. Not gonna happen, you Neanderthal. I mean, I really like men, and sex, but I like men who have BALLS. You know, those symbolics things that your sex believes gives you courage to actually talk into a phone when someone picks up, or accept the fact that it's OVER, or just generally use the organ that fills up space in your skull! The things you seem to be 2 short of.

You are fucking with my belief-system here, and that's somewhere you just don't wanna go! I might seem like a mixed-up, generally harmless girl, but honey, this is one book that you should NOT judge by the cover! BIG MISTAKE! Just as well I don't know for certain who you are! I get kinda scary when I'm this pissed (and yes, I can refer you to men who can testify to that fact), and hurting someone as underdeveleoped as you, would probably be seen as cruelty to animals. I am trying to reprogramme my own organ (you know, the one in my skull, that I actually USE!) to believe that not all men are fucked-up, abusive, thoughtless, selfish sociopaths, and you, my gutless wonder, have just set men back a few thousand years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My advice to you, grow some, or crawl back under the rock you belong, you prehistoric brainless reptile!

Breath comes easier now

He's gone, back to the cold in the north. I feel lighter, and like I am breathing without counting each breath again. If he ever contacts me again, I plan on being honest. Honest! But, he has to make contact, cos I'm not going to shake this particluar dog while it's sleeping. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it's a new day, and I don't feel like I have holes that my soul is seeping through. I feel more complete, and in my own skin, than I have for a while.

And I have a goal for the week, find something small, and have faith in it. Faith is another thing that seems to just flow naturally for others, but I have to really work at it, and haven't in a while. So, I'm hoping to find that thing to believe in, soon. Universe, you hear that? I need something...... Hey! I could have faith that I'll find something to have faith in, today, that'd be a good start! Great, that's sorted.

Song De'Jeur

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

(Take It To The Bridge)

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

(Take It To The Chorus)

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

(Take It To The Bridge)

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING! HE'S LEAVING!

(Take It To The Chorus)

*

On being emotionally challenged ......

She said, "There is no reason

and the truth is plain to see."

Sometimes the truth of a situation is as plain as the nose on your face, but 'there's none so blind, as those who will not see'. Which means, in my world, that I have 2 choices, keep on living in a semi-real dimension, where I balance vicariously on the word "MAYBE" for the rest of my natural life. Or I deal with the fact that I care deeply for someone who has already passed me by for this lifetime.

"And so it was that later

as the miller told his tale

that her face, at first just ghostly,

turned a whiter shade of pale."

And, Goddess knows, I want to deal, I do! Honestly, I don't know what it is what keeps me welded to JC, or how to sever this cord that makes me feel the blood moving in his veins, that makes the blood race in mine. Guardians, Angels all, I've asked, and asked and asked. No-one answers though. I wish I could, I need to somehow, know.

But she smiled at me so sadly

that my anger staightaway died

If music be the food of love

then laughter is it's Queen

and likewise if behind is in front

then dirt, in truth, is clean.

32 Flavours

Squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am 32 flavours and then some

and I'm beyond your peripheral vision

so you might wanna turn you head

Cause some day you might find you are starving

and eating all of the words you just said

Backsliding can be fun .....

That strange sound? Oh, that was me laughing - out loud! Haven't done that in a looooooong while. I went to a year-end function, formal, on Saturday, and I actually had fun. I laughed as least as much as the past 8 months put together. I asked Janien, a very outspoken, very fun friend of mine, as my date, and teamed up with 2 other friends there. Was surprised at my own laugh, I have to admit.

Yesterday, chilling out at home. Fun.

Today, ah, this is where the backsliding comes into play. Today, JC decided to sms me. Nothing major, just wanted to know how I am, what I did the weekend, standard stuff. Joked about missing his favourite fastfood when he missed his lunch date with me. Told him that he's to blame for ditching me, got told off for saying he ditched me, and that I shouldn't be silly.
My reply? That it was just as well he ditched me, since I would've just gotten sad to say bye. His reply? None. Now, I know this doesn't sound like fun yet, but hell, gimme a break, I'm tryin' to make lemonade here! I think I need him to know that he affects me very badly, and I'm trying to work up the nerve to tell him. This, is a start. Instead of struggling, and getting stuck in the mud more and more, I think I'd like to think of it as a rejuvinating mud bath this time. Get some mileage out of sliding back into the mud, this time.

For now, a start is good enough. We'll see what happens.

Present/Pleasant state of mind

Sometimes reading that someone else is going through the same shit as I am, makes the misery seem silly. Came across a very interesting blog written by a Saudi Arabian lady, and lo and behold, we have the same problem!

Brief summary of said problem:

Having failed at romantic liaisons in the past, we now choose emotionally unavailable objects of affection, get fucked (sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively, sometimes both) and then have lengthy lamentations on whhhyyyyyy .....

You might be able to tell from the above tone, I am feeling better. Misery and I have temporarily parted ways.

Strange, seeing as I have still not heard anything from JC, someone attempted to steal my car (third time this year), and when unable to, took the radio as consolation. Plus, I haven't slept in 3 days (I'm an insomniac, in case I haven't mentioned that before).

When lying in bed, staring at the dark ceiling with burning eyes, I've taken to fantasising about kissing a certain collegue, and man!, is that doing wonders for my libido! Problem is .... he's living with someone, although he vehemently denies being seriously involved (duh!), and calls her a "housemate". We've been working together for years, and have always had lots of chemistry, and I've made a point of flirting quite outrageously. The kissing fantasy is based on kissing him on birthdays, and jeesh! am I sorry I can't do that more! It feels like he has the potential to be a REALLY brilliant kisser, something that registers very highly on my Richter scale. He recently asked me why I never sit down in his office, and I came to the conclusion that I find his huge desk and quiet manner intimidating, so I always hover around the door, ready to run, but now, I am damn happy about that desk, and very determined to keep my inner nympho firmly reigned in, since I get the distinct urge to crawl hands and knees over that desk, and plant myself in his lap, until we either spill onto the nearest flat surface, or he bodily removes me.

Anyway, I'll probably have to find some kind of release for all this pent-up energy, but that's a problem for another day, celibacy and my track record, is NOT a pleasant read! Although celibacy is the automatic default for me, when not in a serious relationship, it does NOT fit me well, and I feel like a horse being ridden with a bit in its mouth, with the painful, chafing, hateful thing, a permanent reminder of an unnatural state of affairs. It gets so bad that I break out in goosebumps when someone just touches me in the most innocent way, like my skin has a life of its own, and wishes it had suckers (like an octopus) to draw that person closer, and have my way with them.

Damn!

Rater be home with no one when I can't get down with you

In the words of my fave group, the magnificent, slightly twisted: SCISSOR SISTERS!!!!!

But I don't feel like dancin'
No sir, no dancin' today
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'
Even if I find nothin' better to do
Don't feel like dancin', dancin'.


No sir, no dancin' today.

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy (appologies to Sarah)

And if I feel a rage
I won't deny it
I won't fear love!

And if I shed a tear
I won't cage it
I won't fear love!

Perfect Day

My weekend was busy, luckily, so I had very little time to get all choked in my thoughts. I came to the quick conclusion that I need to figure out wether I've just given up on love for myself, or wether I've stopped believing in it all-together. It seems important to know that.

JC still hasn't contacted me, which is fine, I think the fact that we haven't spoken is what gives me the courage to not contact him. (That makes no sense, does it?). Anyway, I'm determined to let him know that I feel it's better if we don't have contact, but I'm terrified he might agree. If he ever contacts me again, that is. In the meantime, I'm telling myself, before I start the ardurous task of trying to fall asleep, that I AM worthy of love, I AM worthy of someone who is NOT twisted in one major way or the other, and I AM worthy of being adored for who and what I am. Just as I know I can adore, and love, and make someone's live just that little bit better, for being around.

Also working on realising that I am loved, not by everybody I hoped would love me, but hell, my life's never been that simple, has it? So, realising that there are those who stick with me, and who feel better for having me around, and who love me, is a big thing right now. Something I need. Something I feel I need to deal with. Something I need to accept, and not try and analyse until it collapses, and it's impossible to put it back together again. And look for reasons other that just that they love me, for them being here. I need to relearn trust. Wow, the stuff I need to do just gets more and more. Think I'll stop for now, don't have that much energy today, so let's not overdo the "Fix Myself" project, today.

Today

See, today it’s got me. Yesterday, yesterday I was ok, yesterday I could cope with the moments the tears threatened, by smiling at my braveness, I actually walked away! But, today, no more. Today I miss you, and today I’m sorry, and today, I want to feel your arms around me. And today, you’re gone, and I’m probably never gonna see you again. And today, my heart breaks.

Dear Jean-Claude

Dear Jean-Claude

I am writing this letter to you, because although I cannot tell you the things I’m stating here, I want to in some way, make it concrete, so that it’s energy may reach you, and you’ll feel at least a pinprick of what I’m trying to convey.

I love you, first, foremost and probably, forever. I adore you, you make me feel young, innocent, flustered, ALIVE! You make my heart race, my whole body flush, and when you’re near me, people stare, because of how your presence makes my appearance change. I shine.

Because I can never have you, or even play any kind of significant role in your life, I hate this. I hate loving you, cos it makes me ache. When you are away, as you mostly are, I’m ok, as ok as I’m ever gonna be, which is good. And I even manage to sometimes convince myself that I can look at others, and eventually feel for others, and let others touch me, and maybe even shine for others, one day. And I feel good some days, and heavier than lead, other days. But the point is, I have hope. Hope that I don’t really feel the way I feel. That it’s just silliness, not real, a grande illusion. And I wake up, and I eat, and I go to work, and I raise my son. And I hope. And then, you call, or sms, or show up unexpectedly, like you felt my shielding somehow, and raced to me to fix it. To re-fasten the bindings you put on me, to splice my genes and infuse yourself into my mitochondrea, again. And a part deep deep inside, kicks and screams, and rages and wants to scratch and bite, and fight for myself, but the outer, stupid part just stands here, and shines. And the inside shrieks and burrows into my veins trying to get out and tell you, to go away, get away, and stay the FUCK AWAY. Like that would make you melt into the dimensions, and erase you from my cells, or something. Only that part never gets near enough to the surface to stop the shining, and the part that adores you, just keeps on adoring, now matter how ridiculous it is. Or how much it hurts. Cos that’s what I’m trying to say, really. It hurts, you- are- hurting- me (say that slowly so you’ll know how I wrote it).

I want you to stay away from me, with that small kernel deep inside that can reason even when you’re standing next to me, or hugging me, or touching me, (I’m even proud of that part, proud that SOME small bit can make sense you are around!), and even though the rest of me will never say that, that part will forever be screaming like a banshee, trying to wake me up. Cos that’s the smart thing, you see, staying away from you. But staying away from you feels impossible, like …. Fasting when you have low blood sugar, and you know, if you don’t eat, you’ll fall down, and if you still don’t eat, you’ll go to sleep, then to a coma, then to death. Like that. I know, it makes no sense. I know it’s not like that, loving you is not life-threatening, but it sure feels that way!

See! You phoned, and asked to see me to say bye, but I fled, and was very proud of myself for deciding. So you kakked me out for telling you that you were late, and said that you’d come over later. And the whole time my heart was pounding and I was smiling like a Cheshire Cat. SOOOOOOOO STUPID! And now, now it’s almost time to leave and you still haven’t shown. I’m not really surprised, and so far it doesn’t really hurt, but I think later …….

Don’t really know, maybe I am strong enough to stand this. Maybe one day it’ll just STOP, and I’ll see someone and want them with more of me than I want you, and they’ll be available, and kind, and mine. Maybe, if my supply of hope lasts, and I don’t lose my mind, and my heart doesn’t break so badly that it kills me, and I don’t just give up and disintegrate. In the meantime I stand on this goddamned cliff, watching you on the other side, calling to me, and I want so badly, to jump. But god knows, you’re not real, or you are, but in that respect, and for the purposes of my heart, you ‘re a mirage, something I see, that’s NOT there, NOT real, NOT an option. Sometimes I could almost hate you, if I tried hard enough, for being you (oh that’s a lie, I couldn’t, don’t know how).

I want you to leave me alone, but please, please don’t. I think I might need to figure out how to live over you, to be able to look back at you, and sweet that sweet, madonna-like smile, that says: “Ah those were strange, but good days”. So, that’s the goal for now, live right over you, move on, move on, and stop turning corners every time you feel the need to shake my very foundations.

Something I would like to know is how you actually feel, you’ve never told me that, did you know? Dunno if you really actually feel anything. I tell myself that the mere fact that you keep contact, and come to see me once a year, must mean that you do, but I guess that’s just shit, like the rest of it. Heart given to someone who may never even have wanted it. Sad. I’m an Idiot. Sela.

Whatever, right? Just another headcase, I know. I despise women who allow men to take them over, but I think I might have to rethink that, since I have joined that specific brigade. But you just go ahead and watch me, I am sure as hell gonna try, keep on rolling and rolling, I swear one day I’ll roll right over you, and kick you out of my way, without recognizing the shape of this. This horrible, gagging, suffocating, sorry thing that is what I feel for you. It’s not right, it shouldn’t live, it should be aborted. So there. Let’s try for that. And, fuck you and fuck the goddamned plane you flew in on, if you don’t agree.

Did I mention that I adore you?

Stay safe, love. I miss you.

Waterfalls

Why do I feel so goddamn old? Me, who used to suffer a minor trombosis whenever a child called me auntie, now feel calm and serene when called that. Like it’s my right, as an elder, which I'm not.

I feel ancient, like my bones should ache as much as my heart and mind does. Like my body should be more bent, and I even find myself walking uncomfortably.

Love has been closed off somewhere in the maze of hiding places inside me. I imagine it looks like a huge catacomb, that just stretches endlessly into the dark. Somewhere in there, is what I believed I deserve, love. Changed my mind about that, think now, that its just a dream some people have, like mass hysteria, real for those who experience it, but something silly and irrelevant for those of us, who don’t. I consider myself a ‘non-loved’ one.

Maybe I had that dream too, and when I woke up, blocked the memory of it, cos sometimes my heart feels like lead, and my legs can’t stand the weight. In my mind I sink to the floor, all dramatic-like, and sit, panting, too exhausted and heavy to move. In reality, I sometimes feel nauseous from all the tears I swallow. Can’t let them fall, no no, can’t let them show.

Anyway. I’ve finally given up on maybe. Maybe tomorrow, someone will see me, maybe the day after, maybe before I’m too old, maybe, someone will realize that I’m worth something. What-the-fuck-ing-ever. Not gonna happen. And, right about now, my mom would be getting very pissed off with me if she read this, cos she believes that we create what we express. Which I believe in too, cept I don’t believe that we spend this life talking and expressing things, and they materialize on command. I believe that there is a pre-approved life plan, and I’ve come to believe that mine does not include the thing I describe as love.

And, just because I feel like giving a lengthy explanation of why I believe this, here it is:

Since teenaged, I cannot remember one single relationship that I even called a relationship, and I have recently come to the realization, that I actually had a few relationships, seriously, I just never thought they meant enough (to me) to count.
Then I married a typical “perpetual boy”-type, who in the end irritated me so much, that it took years for me to have any kind feelings toward him, keep in mind, that’s years after the divorce!
My next enterprise into the hemisphere of “love” involved my first and only one-night stand, with (unbeknownst to me) an engaged guy on his bachelors night. Realising that I was being sent home like a used toy the morning after, left me shaking (literally) and feeling dirty and worthless, always a good feeling when freshly divorced.
Next, a year and a half of e-mails with a lover from across the ocean, met here while on a selfless mission to help us poor third-worlders by sharing his skills. While here, I noticed a few quirks, but decided I could live with them, since I’m not exactly quirk-less myself. He was sweet, smart, treated me like an equal, and made me feel beautiful, appreciated and wanted (shoulda known there was something seriously wrong right there, shouldn’t I?) Go visit him in the snow, to explore the possibility of getting married (YIKES!) and moving there. Discover he is a sado-masochistic bastard who treats me like a mindless little pet, something that needs to be herded around the streets of his world like a cute, but dumb, little lamb. Spent about 2 weeks sleeping on the floor in his study in the middle of the crazy northern winter.
Almost up to date. After 2 years of celibacy, met up with a man I used to like in school, at a night club (which makes so much sense now). After giving him my number rather reluctantly, I slept with him on the first night (unheard of, for me) still don’t fully understand why. Noticed after about 3 weeks that he drinks rather heavily, and questioned him about it. Upon realizing that he is a full-blown alcoholic (shoulda seen that one coming, shouldn’t I?) I spent the next 10 months (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) trying to understand why I should stay, and compete with a bottle for affection. He tried to explain, god knows, but I still don’t get how dousing everything with spirits makes it better (stupid blonde!). Finally managed to convince him I’m really not joking when I say I don’t want to see him anymore, 2 days ago. Yay for me!

I asked my mom (she thought I was joking) what other category of freak she thinks will pick me next. I wasn’t joking though. So now, I’ve decided not to buy tickets anymore. You know, you can’t win lotto if you don’t play? Well that’s my thinking about “love”. Can’t attract flies if you don’t smell. This person’s pheromones are staying in her panty from now on. Maybe (there’s that word again) I’ll dry up fast and painlessly. And maybe (aaaaargghhhh) I won’t feel like I’m being torn apart limb by limb from the vibrations of a shrinking, shrieking, heart.

If someone with Sight told me that I came here to love I would’ve believed, cos my soul feels like it carries around this huge amount of unused love, which is, I guess, what makes me feel so heavy, and worn. Pity really, the world should have at least one use for love, you’d think. But maybe (!) mine’s defective. In my defense, so am I, so that remark is not as self-pitying as it sounds. Just realistic. So god-damn deadeningly realistic.

These days, I perpetually feel like crying, like my brain’s turned into an ocean behind my eyes, trying to spill over. Like if I start crying, my face and chest, pelvis and legs will become the backdrop for one of those spectacular waterfalls, like it wouldn’t ever stop, and I’ll become the crying one, that looks like a waterfall. Cool. At least I’ll be something. After a few years my face and breasts would wear away, and I’ll be all smooth and beautiful, and the only sign of life, would be the beautiful water, falling and falling and falling.

Somewhere in September

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone in my life. It’s like I’m standing on the North Pole, and every direction I turn, there’s nothing but white loneliness, so pure & bright it hurts my eyes.

Like I’m deaf & blind, and need a hug, but don’t know where to turn for comfort, cos I can’t hear or see, there’s no-one there.

I think I might be going a little more off it.

Impossible

I LIVE AN IMPOSSIBLE LIFE.

I think (note: think, since I have no previous experience to base it on) that I may deeply love someone. Funny thing is: it’s impossible. Let me tell you why:
Fact no 1: He’s not single.
Fact no 2: He’s very religious
Fact no 3: He wasn't brought up in the same culture as me
Fact no 4: He’s not currently living anywhere near here
Funny, heh?
Hilarious.
Let’s for a second ignore facts no 1, and 4. I was brought up by deeply prejudiced parents, in a deeply divided country, in a very violent, intolerant community. So, even though Fact no 1 should already be enough to force my heart into some kind of rational decision, facts 2 & 3 makes even the possibility of ever being able to love him openly, a silly daydream. Which doesn’t stop me from dreaming it though, on a daily basis. I dream of having his child, a beautiful little girl with huge, dark eyes, that make you shiver when they turn on you (like her daddy’s do). The problem is, even in the dream, I can’t seem to get out of my bedroom with her, because she will be forever a novelty, living inbetween 2 seperate worlds. In my world, having me as a mommy and him as a daddy, would make her an oddity …… something strange and therefore unacceptable. I have talked about having a second child even if I’m not in a relationship, simply because I would love to, and this man is the man that I want to do that with, even if he won’t be a father, husband, lover, or steady feature in our lives. He is committed to a girl who earns a great deal more, has a very high standing in their society, and even though it is a very convenient relationship, it was by no means an unwanted match. He is pretty serious about his religion, and chose a woman of the same faith (obviously). Being a male born into his community, he was spoilt rotten as child, and expects obedience and ignorance from a wife. Which hardly describes me, on any day. He tells me he’s not coming back here, but keeps contact with me, only with me, out of the group of friends we shared, when he was here. That makes me ache, and keeps me hanging on to a very thin thread, which I sometimes think, exists only in my heart, and that, in reality, I’m clutching at nothing, and only my silly heart is making me stand.

I have never told all this, I have 2 people I have thought of telling, but 1 is a mutual friend. The second is my mom, and no matter how open-minded and free thinking she is, I don’t think she’d understand this. So now I carry this around, for going on 2 years. I think it’s getting too much for me, I miss him every day, and whenever it gets too much, it’s like he picks up on that, and he e-mails me. I think about him every day, I listen to songs that describe how I feel about him, and wish I could let him know. It feels like I’ll have to carry this burden for the rest of my life, and like this will forever keep me from loving completely. Thing is, I don’t think I mind that, I don’t want to stop, or even try to stop my feelings for him. I feel as if it would make my life less than it is. That without this ache I would be anchorless, and just float into a dimension without sound, or touch, like your body feels when you stay under water a long time…… like it’s gone, and nothing can reach you. I don’t want that. Even aching for him is better than being numb.

So, I’m living ‘ in the meantime’ until something happens. And not living, until something happens. Impossible. Funny, heh?