Mornings & Evenings

I am still feeling like crap. Like I am that internal waterfall, outside smooth and calm, while inside the waters are wearing the surface smooth, and thundering into deep pools, way down in the dark parts of me. I want to cry, and cry, and cry.

Old and jaded, I look at other people and think: "Why are they smiling? What do they have that I don't, that enables them to laugh? What possibilities do they see in this day, or the future, that makes them happy?"

My life has been reduced to an endless string of mornings and evenings. Get up, wake Misha, feed Misa, dress Misha, take Misha to school. The hours inbetween disappear, they are meaningless. Leave work, pick up Misha, feed Misha, bathe Misha, get Misha in bed, read to Misha. Sleep. This is what my life is, nothing more. And, don't get me wrong, I adore my son, but the since Mom is not all I am, it feels like the rest is shrivelling up, and soon it'll blow away.

Feels like I'm looking out of an empty dusty field where I'm standing alone, into a beautiful forest, full of love and possibilities, and I know I'm not allowed in there.

I am less than I started out as, parts of me are lost, or just expired cos they were never used. Diminished, smaller, not whole. I cannot hold everything I'm supposed to.

I have been boiled down to a useless puddle of syrup in the middle of the pan. Destined to be the mom to a son who "is too busy" too loud, too headstrong, too too too. He will forever be "TOO" in some way. That's who he is, forever and ever, amen. But since that's not usual, he's also destined to be made to feel abnormal, forever and ever, amen. And no amount of loving on my side, can ever fix that. That hurts. Knowing how unforgiving "normal" people are, I hurt for my son's sake, and wish I could somehow shield him from the cruelty waiting around the corner. And since this is the one and only purpose left at the moment, and I have no way of preventing it, what is left over?

I used to know that I'm a good mom, these days I'm not so sure. These days I wonder whether he wouldn't be better off without me. These days I'm wondering who'd notice if I just disappeared, and the list is pitiful. My mom, my son, my animals, and after a few days, my boss. Very replaceable, I am invisible, I am taking up space in a crowded world, without any redeeming qualities that could justify me being here. All the dreams and visions I had, of the difference I would make, of the people I would love, of the hurts I would soothe, the way I would makes lives better.

Now and for the future I can see, there's mornings and evenings. And waiting for the world to win, there's no more fight left. I'm tired.