Griping, again!

Please, know right from the start of this, that I am not a vain person. That said, I attract a lot of attention. I'm not really sure why, I think it's the whole blonde-blue-eyed-curves-in-the-right-places-thing. Whatever the reason, I have always found this very, very unpleasant, pretty much since I noticed it. Thing is, I don't know why, I mean I can rationalise my anger any way I want to, and I have some pretty good arguments, but in the end, it makes no sense.

My first reaction when I find a man staring at me, is to tell him to fuck off, while smiling nicely. I don't, of course, but the feeling stays. Or if someone makes remarks in the street, it gets me steaming, and it's just the 18-years of being told to be nice, that stops me rounding on them, and telling them exactly what I think of the prehistoric behaviour. Men always seem to find me "something" to have a pissing contest over. "Oh, I could bend that over my desk reeeeeaaal good!", or "that ass is just asking for it!" the list is endless. It's gotten to the point, that I never take compliments seriously, whether they are sincere and nice, or one of the not so subtle variety. Now, my confidante (my mom) and I have discussed this endlessly. Do I have a reason for my aggressive reaction? I don't know. What I do know is that this is a way men show appreciation, and they are visually-inclined creatures. So, technically, I should view the rude comments, gestures, tongues hanging out, whistles, unwelcome approaches etc etc as compliments.

Antoher thing that bugs the crap out of me, and I think most of the single females who hang out with couples a lot, will be able to relate: You arrive at a braai (barbeque) and the moment you enter the room, every wife, girlfriend, significant other, grabs her man by the arm. Or talks louder, or puts her hand on his back, tries to stake her claim, and get his attention in one way or the other. I have had women shove into some pretty small spaces just to avoid me standing next to their boyfriends, or husbands. I have never, ever, ever-ever-ever given ANY woman reason to see me as a threat to her relationship. And since these are usually people that I at least consider casual friends, the fact that people who supposedly know me, reacts like this, drives me up the wall. They should know better.

And the gossip! Oh my lord, if I only I'd done 10% of the things I've been accused of, my god! I would be one hell of an expert in bed! And, the ratio of men who spread rumours actually match the women! Currently, my list of lovers has a total of 3 names on it. Not counting the one-night stand, since I don't consider him a lover. Compared to the stories circulating, you could probably multiply that at least 10 times, should you be a gossip-believer.

My point is, I have allowed other people's insecurities to get to me, I react angrily to compliments, I don't go out with my friends who happen to be part of a couple, and in general don't trust any comments about my appearance. I tone down what I wear, so as not to be too noticeable. I find that I dress in something I like, and when I see how it shows off my curves, I feel like I look vulgar, or like I'm inviting the reactions I get, and change into something less flattering. Which is silly, if my appearance makes other people uncomfortable, it's not my problem really, is it? Other women I see on a daily basis dress a helluva lot more provocatively than I do, yet I'm the one who gets the dirty looks, remarks and gossip.

I've kinda resolved to work on that, to not make other people's insecurities my own. This will be a hard one, though. I am not a heartless, black-widow bitch out to snare anything with a penis just to prove I can, and the fact that some people would have everybody believe that, actually hurts, I don't enjoy making people uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I go out of my way not to. Which is something that might end soon, so to all those people out there who find me ...... whatever ...... Deal with it! In future, I WILL wear that low-cut top, and that short skirt, cos I can! If everybody else can, so-the-fuck-can-I! So just swallow that forked tongue before you bite yourself while grinding your teeth, and deal with it, darlin!