Deeper and deeper I go

Bad, bad day. It started yesterday afternoon, there's this guy that visits our office every now and then (so I hear), who thinks I have nice legs. Fine, I have no problem with that. Now I hear he's been asking about me, am I married, blah blah blah. No problem with that, either. I mean, he can do what he likes, right? He's not bothering me. I know his name, and asked my friend whether he knows him yesterday at lunch. Turns out he does. They went to school together. His reaction? "He just wants to bonk you!" Oooooookay. And this is gonna help me get over my agression toward men ...... how, exactly? If even guys think that about guys .... argh! let me not start that again.

So, I tell my mom the story, expecting her to laugh, nope, she agrees. Again, isn't anybody LISTENING????? I need some positive reinforcement here!!!!! That aside, next soryline.

I mentioned waaaaaayyy before, that I have a disabled brother, well, he's staying with us for now, he's spending Christmas with mom, so he's been staying with my sis during the day, and then we pick him up after gym, and go home. Last night he informs us that he brought money to go see a movie, and we discuss which movie he'd enjoy. We did not, however talk about when this movie would be watched, so he apparently decided it was to be last night. After dinner he asks me whether we're going to the movies and I tell him, no. He storms out, and ignores me for the rest of the night. Before then, as we arrived home, he tell me he knows a secret, now my brother cannot keep a secret, and most of all, he loves telling people what they're getting for Christmas. Now, I like surprises, so I always beg him not to tell me, which he usually does anyway. So last night, I ask him not to tell me the secret. As we get home and start the trek from the car to the house, he asks my mother whether he can tell me, so I say "No! I don't want to know!", upon which I get shouted at that I'm making it very difficult for him, he just want to appologise for my toaster he broke, and give me a new one (that my mom bought). But she was really hurtful about it, and that upset me. So, he appologises and gives me this godawful orange toaster. Fine, I'm happy about the fact that I can give my son his favourite breakfast again. I'm just really upset about being the one that everybody's frustration gets poured out on. I don't really know how to fix it though, without getting bitchy and nasty myself.

To be honest, I haven't felt this shut down in months, if not years. And now, I remember how much I hate this feeling. So, I started the day resolving to find out why exactly I'm feeling so hurt, and fix it. Maybe I can fix it before I get totally wedged in the mud. Start the swimming to the top, instead of sinking to the bottom, while I'm still halfway down.

I miss my son, horrendously.