Perfect Day

My weekend was busy, luckily, so I had very little time to get all choked in my thoughts. I came to the quick conclusion that I need to figure out wether I've just given up on love for myself, or wether I've stopped believing in it all-together. It seems important to know that.

JC still hasn't contacted me, which is fine, I think the fact that we haven't spoken is what gives me the courage to not contact him. (That makes no sense, does it?). Anyway, I'm determined to let him know that I feel it's better if we don't have contact, but I'm terrified he might agree. If he ever contacts me again, that is. In the meantime, I'm telling myself, before I start the ardurous task of trying to fall asleep, that I AM worthy of love, I AM worthy of someone who is NOT twisted in one major way or the other, and I AM worthy of being adored for who and what I am. Just as I know I can adore, and love, and make someone's live just that little bit better, for being around.

Also working on realising that I am loved, not by everybody I hoped would love me, but hell, my life's never been that simple, has it? So, realising that there are those who stick with me, and who feel better for having me around, and who love me, is a big thing right now. Something I need. Something I feel I need to deal with. Something I need to accept, and not try and analyse until it collapses, and it's impossible to put it back together again. And look for reasons other that just that they love me, for them being here. I need to relearn trust. Wow, the stuff I need to do just gets more and more. Think I'll stop for now, don't have that much energy today, so let's not overdo the "Fix Myself" project, today.