Last night, I had a debate about faith with my mom. Not the religious kind of faith, mind you, just the ability to have faith in general. Or, in my case, having faith that there are "good" men somewhere, and that I will meet one of them sometime. This was all triggered by my visit to my collegue. After basically licking me clean, and swallowing me whole on Wednesday (figuratively), yesterday he was cold, and very businesslike. So, seeing as I couldn't really miss it, I took my cue from him, dropped off the gifts, and hightailed it outta there. Now before that, in my not-so-worldwise opinion, he was on the list of one day being qualified as a "good" man.
Let's examine the factors that contributed to this opinion, shall we:
- He is very thoughtful;
- He speaks quietly, and calmly;
- He seems very rational;
- He smiles frequently;
- He takes forever to loose his temper, and even then, stays calm;
- He likes children;
- He has a very high work-ethic (and the direction he's in, that's very important).
Looking through the list, it seems a little flimsy. But, I suppose it's the vibe, his aura. I'm just very attracted to his calmness, his solidness. He seems safe, but I know that he has a very sensuous streak beneath the calm exterior, which I like too. Now, I've known him for years, around 6, I think. And we've always had a really great rapport, which occasionally turned into outrageous flirtation, but I never, ever saw him as a potential partner, cos he's in a relationship. Recent evidence that all may not be as it seems with said relationship, is basically what made me think there might be some possibility. Plus, his very obvious attraction, which he didn't really bother to hide much the last couple of months. So, I tried, in my way, to show him that I was interested too, to the point that I got questioned about the amount of times I'd been there.
My point is, I was reacting to what I perceived as very positive signals, and yesterday, that was stopped, rather abruptly. Now, I don't really care about the why, this just changed my opinion of him, the sudden turn-about left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't understand his motives, and even though I don't really feel a burning need to, I feel that he can go take a flying leap right about now. So, the one and only potential "good" guy, has frozen himself right off that very short list.
So, to get back to the debate. I asked her how you can have faith in something, without having anything to support that faith. Let's take a silly example, that dogs have personalities. Some believe they don't, I got my first dog when I was around 7, and have spent my whole life with at least one dog around, at the moment I have 4, plus my mom's 2. And I know, without any doubt, that they have souls and complex personalities. Because I've experienced it, I've seen it, I've felt it. I KNOW IT. So, if someone tells me that no, they don't, I know that that's bullshit, because I know the opposite is true, out of experience.
My question remains: if all I've had from men in my life, is pain, hurt, etc etc etc, and I've come to the conclusion that men are the physical manifestation of the world's evil, and someone tells me that that's not true, without having any proof to convince me, how the hell do I just have blind faith that there are good men? That's just not logical, is it? If someone tells me a peach is a cucumber, and has no way to prove my belief that it's a peach, is wrong, WHY would I believe that it's a cucumber?
Mom told me that I have to have faith, which brought us full circle, no closer to an answer. Right after that, the first program I watched on tv, ended with one of the characters saying something that amounted to us not always having to understand why things happen, but that we have to trust, have faith, regardless. Seeing as I don't believe in coincidence, I get the message. Just not so sure I am able to just blindly believe in something, when everything in me, my very cells, tell me the exact opposite is true.
What the universe is telling me basically, is to chuck all my beliefs about men, formed out of a lifetime's experiences, out the window, and try to become an innocent, naive little girl, at least as far as men are concerned. Forget that I know how drunk men beat their wives, and play nasty, scary, painfull, games with their children, forget that I had my first contact with a penis before I even had the knowledge to be able to deal with it in any kind of way, forget that men has desired me for all the wrong reasons all my life, forget that I'll never earn more, or even as much as a man, because I don't have a penis, no matter how hard I work. Forget that I've locked myself in a room to get away from a sadist, who wanted to hurt me, because he got off on that. Forget that I've had to talk and think myself out of potential rape-situations more than once, forget that men never take my no seriously without me having to repeat it again and again. Forget that I've had to learn to fight dirty, use my looks, manipulate, be someone I don't want to, because that's all men react to. Forget that I am 'less' for being a woman, in each and every man's eyes, that I know. Forget that I have to fight that much harder for everything I have, because I am not a man. Forget that I am being harrassed, and have been harrassed, to the point of changing my address and phone number, by men who won't believe that their insistence is not gonna make me spread my legs. Forget that men have hurt me in every way there is to hurt someone.
Now don't get me wrong, if I had a choice, I would come back as a woman again and again. I don't want to be the being that brings misery, ever. But, I think you get my point, changing my mind about men, is gonna take more than just faith, it'll take a fuckin freshly-baked miracle, and if someone knows where to get those, let me know, I'm all out of ingredients.
I wonder if I'll ever have a different reason to gripe, that'd be rather refreshing. Virgin territory for me, for sure! In the meantime, don't contact me for a whle, I'll be busy scouring the streets for my friendly neighbourhood miracle-man. Yeah, right.
