Impossible

I LIVE AN IMPOSSIBLE LIFE.

I think (note: think, since I have no previous experience to base it on) that I may deeply love someone. Funny thing is: it’s impossible. Let me tell you why:
Fact no 1: He’s not single.
Fact no 2: He’s very religious
Fact no 3: He wasn't brought up in the same culture as me
Fact no 4: He’s not currently living anywhere near here
Funny, heh?
Hilarious.
Let’s for a second ignore facts no 1, and 4. I was brought up by deeply prejudiced parents, in a deeply divided country, in a very violent, intolerant community. So, even though Fact no 1 should already be enough to force my heart into some kind of rational decision, facts 2 & 3 makes even the possibility of ever being able to love him openly, a silly daydream. Which doesn’t stop me from dreaming it though, on a daily basis. I dream of having his child, a beautiful little girl with huge, dark eyes, that make you shiver when they turn on you (like her daddy’s do). The problem is, even in the dream, I can’t seem to get out of my bedroom with her, because she will be forever a novelty, living inbetween 2 seperate worlds. In my world, having me as a mommy and him as a daddy, would make her an oddity …… something strange and therefore unacceptable. I have talked about having a second child even if I’m not in a relationship, simply because I would love to, and this man is the man that I want to do that with, even if he won’t be a father, husband, lover, or steady feature in our lives. He is committed to a girl who earns a great deal more, has a very high standing in their society, and even though it is a very convenient relationship, it was by no means an unwanted match. He is pretty serious about his religion, and chose a woman of the same faith (obviously). Being a male born into his community, he was spoilt rotten as child, and expects obedience and ignorance from a wife. Which hardly describes me, on any day. He tells me he’s not coming back here, but keeps contact with me, only with me, out of the group of friends we shared, when he was here. That makes me ache, and keeps me hanging on to a very thin thread, which I sometimes think, exists only in my heart, and that, in reality, I’m clutching at nothing, and only my silly heart is making me stand.

I have never told all this, I have 2 people I have thought of telling, but 1 is a mutual friend. The second is my mom, and no matter how open-minded and free thinking she is, I don’t think she’d understand this. So now I carry this around, for going on 2 years. I think it’s getting too much for me, I miss him every day, and whenever it gets too much, it’s like he picks up on that, and he e-mails me. I think about him every day, I listen to songs that describe how I feel about him, and wish I could let him know. It feels like I’ll have to carry this burden for the rest of my life, and like this will forever keep me from loving completely. Thing is, I don’t think I mind that, I don’t want to stop, or even try to stop my feelings for him. I feel as if it would make my life less than it is. That without this ache I would be anchorless, and just float into a dimension without sound, or touch, like your body feels when you stay under water a long time…… like it’s gone, and nothing can reach you. I don’t want that. Even aching for him is better than being numb.

So, I’m living ‘ in the meantime’ until something happens. And not living, until something happens. Impossible. Funny, heh?