Press Play to stop the Pause

Been writing things down by hand, Network was buggered:

01/01/2007
I am writing by hand today, strange to see how my handwriting has changed through the years. Now it's this strange mix of styles, nothing identifyable or specific.

New Year's promise to self:
be more open, trust, have faith. Since I've been thinking about faith, when I look in the mirror, I see someone younger than I did a few months ago. Like the decision has drained a little of the cynic from my eyes. God, I like that I can see it. Have to admit that I feel more vulnerable, softer, but that's not something that I feel I should run from, just yet. Feels a little like I'm a hermit crab peeking out of it's shell after a long long rest.

My son is back, now the rehabilitation process starts again. Always after spending a long time with his father, he comes back as this unfamiliar little boy, and it's like my body and senses doesn't recognise his aura. Like a baby animal that's been handled by humans, and smells strange to it's mother for a while. It's only after he's been home for a few days that I feel that bond, pure and strong, running between us.

02/07/2007
Bad night. Sick son, no sleep. Exhausted. Feeling flat and listless. I feel upbeat about 2007, as far as love is concerned. Been keeping away from my collegue (refer archives) and JC, and instead of feeling in desperate need of male attention, as expected, I am ok. Still smiling (of somewhat tiredly). I am taking comments and interactions with men at face value, and leaving it at that, which feels good. I hated being so suspicious, so I've stopped being suspicious.

Gymming is paying off in terms of losing weight. But, I never saw myself in a full length mirror for a year, and now I can, I was shocked to see my the extent that my body has changed in the last while, and I'm hoping for more improvement as far as toning is concerned. It's also helped my energy levels go way up, yay!

It's strange, even though I expect men to be interested in me due to my internal attributes - heart, mind, soul - I still feel the need to make myself attractive. Don't really feel that it's focused solely on attracting men, it's more about not wanting to give up control of one thing I can (to an extent) control. Plus, I suppose that on some deeper level I get a kick out of the stares, and feel less isolated from humanity, if someone does something as mundane as try to get my attention.

Like game that's been paused, I'm hoping that the action of thinking it in motion, is going to get my life moving again. Hold thumbs.

05/01/2007

Today, I feel sad. Sad because I miss being touched. My body feels disconnected from everybody around me, and like it's been cut off from human affection. My skin longs to be in contact with someone else's skin. A hand on my back, touching my neck softly, brushing my hair aside. I miss that so much! Isn't it strange, in a crowded world, with people constantly jostling and bumping each other, that the only thing I should need so badly, is something we usually take for granted. I mean, everybody gets touched, right? There's human contact everywhere, touching hands when something gets handed over, a brush of arms when passing on the street, stepping on toes in a crowded elevator. So why is it that I feel so alone and cut-off from that? A friend rubbed my back a few days ago, and I felt like arching my back like a cat, and purring against his legs in an effort to have him continue. Thing is, it's not that I just want a friendly pat on the back though, I want intimate, open, kissing, touching, sweating, tongues, hands, moving, and I can't have it.

Instead of getting all blocked about it, I've decided that it's ok to feel sad, and I am officially letting myself, which helps stave off depression. I am not letting it fester inside, until it inflames everything, I'm letting it out into the open, so today's mantra is: It's all right to be sad.

It's all right to be sad.