Confusion is dead! Long live confusion.

I am still as confused as I was before the weekend. I kept both of my appointments with the girl friends, and they were both fine. Glad I went, even if just to catch up.

The rest of my life, I still have no clue about.

Resolved to just stop the stressing and worrying, I used to have rather severe asthma in my late teens and early twenties, which stopped. Doctor told me it was Psycho-somatic, which simply means that the asthma attacks were my body's way of dealing with trauma. Getting too upset would trigger an attack. I learned to recognise my body's signs, and tried to change my mood so sometimes I succeeded in stopping an attack. They eventually became very infrequent, and I haven't had a full-blown attack in years. In the last few months, I have had the onset signs quite a few times though, which really worries me. I realise that, if I don't change the emotional climate I'm in, I might go back to freaking out without breath, while trying to remain calm enough not to black out. So, I HAVE to work at my fears. Making decisions based on fear, is no good. Didn't work in the past, and it sure as hell ain't working now.

Thing is, I'm not sure my problem is so psychological, that I can actually solve it myself, I think I might need professional help. I've been able to piece together some of the reasons I am so antagonistic towards men, but I think that there's a major chunk missing. Stuff like, my rage toward men who look at me admiringly, no idea where that comes from. Or, my inability to feel safe with a man, no matter whether he's done anything to warrant distrust. Sometimes I get quite overwhelmed by all my own issues. How can I ever hope to be happy with any man, if I trust absolutely no man?

Once told an ex of mine (who happened to be a sado-masochist) that you can't fix people once they're broken. And now, surprise, surprise, I don't know how to fix myself.