No! Not the soundproof booth again ..... aaaaaarrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!

Loneliness is getting to me.

I know that I am supposed to be a complete, fulfilled human being on my own, without needing someone else to complete me. And I am, I don't need a man to be able to fill my space in humanity, I don't need a man to do things I have been programmed to think I am unable to. I know how to handle a drill, work in my own garden, fix my own plugs etc etc etc. But I cannot give myself the kind of affection I crave. I cannot touch myself gently, and feel loved.

Late yesterday afternoon, I accompanied my friend to the office building basement, where the smokers do their thing, to catch up, since we hadn't had the chance to talk in a while. On the way back, we bumped into The Collegue, whom I haven't seen since middle December. Since we were discussing serious stuff (she lost a very good friend cos of rumours he believed) I wasn't looking particularly perky (or feeling it), and had to work on giving him a smile. He paused, probably expecting me to stop and chat, which I didn't feel like doing. Nina was getting stuff off her chest, and it seemed silly to blow her off, just cos he showed up. I got a very strange stare as we turned away, kinda like he was shocked about something, which made me feel guilty.

Last night I decided that it was a good thing I didn't spend time with him, partly because I resolved to stay away from him, as part of my "Stay Away From Unavailable Men" campaign, and partly because even platonic friendship is a two-way lane. In this particluar 'friendship' I have always been the one to make sure we chat, or even just see each other. And, I'm done with that, for now. Seems one of my current themes is 'weeding', been systematically getting rid of acquintances and friends that contribute nothing to the friendship, but the glory of gracing me with their presence now and again. And although friendship is supposed to be unconditional, I am the only one carrying the emotional and physical cost of these, and cannot afford to anymore. So, as he definitely falls into that category, it's probably best that I leave him alone. It just feels so damn horrible. I missed him, and wanted to stop and talk, I wanted to let him know that I'm glad he's back. Last night at home, it just got too much, I am keeping so much in at the moment, I think my emotions are threatening to start overflowing. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Usually, feeling like this signals the start of a period of horrendous depression, dressing badly, walking around encased in a portable soundproof booth, and isolation. Which I do not want!

So, I obviously have to find a alternate way through this particular part of the labyrinth, it's just that one way pretty much looks like the next from where I'm standing, endless and empty.