Now, I don't know if this is normal, or if there's something wrong with me physically. I am definitely suffering from what I call 'touch deprivation'. Symptoms, uncontrollable crying, shivering when touched by accident, overwhelming signals from the brain to try and prolong accidental touches as long as possible, and in short, just clutching out in general when seeing people touch each other with affection.
I feel like any kind of affectionate touch will just make me melt into a puddle. Dissolve into a quivering jelly of joy. And, that I'll never get to feel like that again, ever. That it's just going get worse and worse, and that I'll have to leave the vicinity of anybody touching, because I might freak out and start foaming at the mouth. That in the end, I'd have to keep myself out of touching range of anybody, cos if we accidentally touch, I might do something strange, like rub myself against them, while purring like a newly serviced tractor. Or begging them to do it again.
And I know that I'm making it sound a little funny and sexual, but it's not about that. It's just about being touched with affection. Just feeling someone else touch me deliberately, with the intention of conveying affection. God, I can not tell you have much I NEED that!
Now, where the honesty part of the title comes in. My baby brother (11 years my junior) has had the same best friend for about 12 years now. A beautiful boy, dark and built really well. In the past, I loved flirting with said friend, because I could make him blush really easily. (And, as anybody who blushes easily can tell you, it's really fun to reverse the situation and see someone else blush for you.) This escalated into a serious vibe between us, to the extend that his girlfriends get jealous of me, even though we don't see each other on a regular basis. My brother has borne all this with a smile, and only makes the occasional joking remark about it when we get a bit outrageous.
Lately, I've been wondering if the friend and I would have any kind of chance to be more than just friends. Saw him Saturday, after quite a while, and he's no longer the good-looking boy, he's lost all the boyishness, and is now a really handsome man. I teased my brother about it, and found out that he's afraid if we took the flirting to any kind of different level he'd lose his best friend. Not very flattering, eh? My own brother believes that the only thing I'm capable of as far as men are concerned, is to drive them away. Honest, but not nice. Anyway, I respect his feelings, and now finally understand why he's been the way he's been all these years. Damn shame though, especially given the way I feel lately, and the way we seem to gravitate toward each other. Ah well.
Some things you just have to accept, just like I have to accept this horribly hungry skin of mine. Can't exchange it just yet, so I have to get used to living in skin that tells me more clearly than any other part of my anatomy that I need affection. (Which is why there's a Venus Fly Trap as pic, that's how my skin makes me feel.)
