Blogger Beast of Burden

If it wasn't for this blog, I'd have exploded by now. In the past, I discussed, analysed and complained stuff, with my mom as soundboard. But lately, I don't feel like I have the right to lay everything on her anymore. Don't know why. I just get the feeling that she's tired of having to heave around my problems, as well as her own. So, although I realy really want to discuss things with someone, I keep things to myself, and blog about them instead. The one-sided conversations do get to me sometimes, like today. Wish I could hear a few words of encouragement, and that I'm ok, not really as far gone as it feels.

Last night, I just had to tell her about my skin problems (see yesterday's blog), but in the end, I didn't. Instead, I just stayed quiet, burning to speak.

My best friend is going through a very tough time at the moment, and I'm anxious for him. Last night, there was a while I was really terrified, and I worry it was because of him. I hope he's all right.

Another one of my decisions for the year, is to stay away from unavailable men, whether they are unavailable emotionally, or for other reasons, doesn't matter. I'm staying away. Which also means staying away from The Colleague, funny thing is, I miss him, I miss his voice, and chatting to him. Never thought I would, thought it'd be just another one of those things, not seeing him anymore. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Also makes me a little sad, because this means that I am pretty much staying away from all the guys I've had in my life in one form or another, 'till recently.

It makes it a lot easier to observe my pattern though, I'm definitely noticing that, should I meet 2 friends, I am, without fail, drawn to the one that is not available. Weird!

Sometimes it feels like I'm standing on the edge of the earth's atmosphere, and all I see in front of me, is space. No one walking in my direction, no laughing men, rodeo-ing in on the tail of a comet. Just loneliness, and endless self-examination, leading me in circles. Around and around the planet, around and around. Just one foot in front of the other, and always, always just me.

I am lonely, and although, at the moment, I know that I'm strong enough to handle the loneliness, I don't want to have to. Don't want to live a life of sadness and regret. A life wasted.