Stille water, diepe grond, onder dans die duiwel rond.

You know the way water that looks really calm and smooth on the surface, is often freakin' deep and has all kind of shiny, ominous, gliding things moving in and out of the raging currents below?

That's how I've been feeling the last few days. Like when I look inside I see this beautiful, mirror-surfaced lake, but it's petrifying. I just know, if I dare go in there, it'll end up like one of those horror movie scenes, where you wanna scream your head off, and get cold all over, cos what you're seeing is just frightening beyond belief. Thing is, I have to, I have to do the whole deep breath, open eyes, swim under the surface thing. Cos to get to the other side, I have to find the scary things, and deal with them.

What I've never mentioned before, is that I have a strange phobia about swimming under water. Not really swimming, more like being still under the water, and looking up toward the surface. When I see a camera shot like that on tv, I want to jump behind the couch and curl up like a small child, only peeping over the top later on to see whether it's gone. Honest. Seeing that, makes my heart jump into my throat, and makes my breath catch, I break out in a sweat, the whole package. My pet theory is that it comes from a past life, I have no other logical explanation for it.

So, feeling the way I'm feeling about exploring what lies beneath my own surface, you have to understand the level of sheer terror I am anticipating. I'm not at all sure I can deal with it, whatever it may turn out to be. Standing on the edge of the lake, knowing I have to go in there, I can't even begin to measure my fear, and even though I know it's as simple as putting one foot in front of the other into the water, I am frozen, immobile. Don't know how to get myself moving.

Sometimes I wonder if living in fear isn't habit forming, like, if you stop, won't it feel unnatural? Not to be afraid all the time?