Cinderella Syndrome

That's what I call that stupid state of waiting for someone to rescue you. I used to give in to Cinderella Syndrome a lot when I was younger. These days I get irritated with myself when I realise that I'm 'holding out for a hero'.

Have to admit, though, no matter how realistic and grounded I've become, I still dream about someone sweeping me off my office chair, demanding I resign to take care of the children we're gonna have, and carry me down the 2 flights of stairs, before depositing me in the seat of his big, All Wheel Drive chariot. (The next day, while I'm lounging in the huge elegantly cream-coloured bed, he'll stroll into the room and announce that my account has been opened, and that I have a personal allowance of R100 000 per month, and that the cook wants to know what to serve for lunch.)

That, of course, ain't gonna happen, but it would still have been wonderful. Naturally, he'd have to be able to cope with my desire to surround myself with animals, and digging up the estate lawn to make place for the veggie garden, and fruit orchard. But, since he is a figment of imagination, he'd have absolutley no problem with that, and would give me as much space as an airy-fairy Gemini could possibly need.

So, I bet even the most hardened feminist has an occasional flirt with CS, and to that I say:"Right on Sister!" before turning back to my small desk in the open-plan office (seating 18) to do my R5 000 a month job, and check whether I've had any unpaid debits on my account yet.

Talent and (lack of) enthusiasm

So I went off to see the folks at the competing company. Had a very honest, very open discussion about what it would take to make me pack up and move over. Got hustled over to the sales manager's office the moment I arrived, told him exactly what I felt, and got the third degree in return. Took about 20 minutes, at the end of which he said that if I was chosen, they would make me an offer I couldn't refuse, to which I said 'sharp'. That was Friday. I am not holding my breath.

Other than that, I once again brought out someone's 'Inner Bitch', without any effort on my part on Saturday. Special talent, that. Went to a friend's stork tea, felt kinda low, so I suppose I was a bit quiet. When an acquintance told me that I was behaving very well, as a joke, another acquintance remarked that I 'was totally out of my depth, wasn't I?' which I interpret as "You don't belong, love, f-off". Don't really understand what brought that on, maar nou ja. So I stayed for the formalities, and then did as she so discreetly suggested.

Suppose I just have one of those faces.

Don't know about the finances yet, salary is still uncertain. Looks like I might be getting this month, next month, and then from March on, not. To be perfectly honest, since I have NO possible solutions, I am ignoring (or ignoring as much as I can, when I don't get chills from worry) the subject. Ostrich-syndrome.

No meaningful contributions today, I'm afraid. I'm all out of enthusiasm. I'll work on that.

Throw me a rope, will ya?!

My life seems kinds surreal at the moment. Having MAJOR financial worries, and have a 'chat' scheduled with someone at a competiting company. She got my name from an ex-collegue, who moved over to their side a while back. Initially she phoned me 2 days ago, introduced herself and told me why she called, and asked whether I'd be willing to come see her. I agreed, and we made an appointment for today.

So yesterday, the papaya hits the fan at work, and I stand a chance of not getting any salary for a few months, all totally above board, nothing underhanded on my boss' side, purely due to the kind of business we're in, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Very faint, but it's there. I decide to let her know, thanks, but no thanks, which I did. Only she calls back, and begs me to at least come listen to her offer. So, that's how come I still have an appointment with her.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm observing my life from the bottom of a rather large pit. Today, this feeling is even stronger, and it's like someone else is pulling the strings, and changing the scenery around me. Maybe I'll try and get out of this hole, or maybe I'll just stay in here for a while, it's kinda nice, quiet.

Anyway

What a strange morning I've had. First off, my son slept through, and even though he's 5, I can count the times he hasn't joined me in my bed some time during the night on my hands. He almost never sleeps through. So I decided to let him sleep a little later than usual, which of course led to a very rushed morning. Plus, every now and again, he decides to go to school with a mohawk. He asks me to gel his hair, and is very particular about 'the look'.

Arriving at school, the other five-year olds point and laugh, I end up wondering whether this happens every time we gel his hair, and realise that if it does, I have a very brave little boy, willing to face a classroom full of laughing and cruel toddlers, to be who he wants to be. I wish he could understand how proud I am of him.

So, when I get back to the car, I notice a baby wondering the street. Serious! A little boy, probably about 2, strolling around the neighbourhood on his own. So we sit in the car for a while, waiting for whatever grown-up is supposed to be with him, to appear from somewhere. Only nobody does, and the little boy is working his way to the intersection by the school where the ususal frantic dropping-off is in full swing. Mom jumps out, walks up to him, he puts his hand in hers, and off they go in search of his house, which, it turns out is about 200m down the street. He lets go of my mom's hand, promptly grabs the huge steel gate, and slides it open like a pro. Skips inside, no worries in the world, with mom in tow. She comes back reporting that the maid is supposedly looking after the kids, and she didn't even know he was missing. As a mom, I find that incredlibly frightening, and would probably freak out and fire the maid's ass, if I could contain myself enough not to peel her fingernails off with pliers first. How scary is that? He had absolutely no problems with following a total stranger anywhere, and what would have been easier that grabbing his hand, and just taking him anywhere you wanted?

Anyway.

What I really wanted to say this morning, is that yesterday, when I was walking the labyrinth, I thought that listening to the rhythm of my footsteps was kinda comforting, and liked the feeling of being able to concentrate on nothing else for that moment. Only the sound of me slowly moving in circles. So I've decided to try and be more 'in a moment', and less in those painful ages just after payday, when I have to face the reality of not having any money left to buy fuel with, knowing that I have no option, my son has to get to school, and 32km's there and back,is a little out of his walking range. Debt here we come! Again.

So, for right now, I'm gonna work on right now, and not on the future. Who knows, someday my future might be so bright, I gotta wear shades! Joke, people, joke. If you can't fix it, poke fun at it.

The One that Creates has an evil sense of humour

Which is why I believe that She is a Woman. Only a woman can appreciate irony as much as the Creatress obviously does.

My argument for this observation is as follows:
I was brought up to do the right thing, be good, and live my life according to the guidelines as provided in the Christian handbook to living life right - the Bible. Sure, some of the commands I took more seriously than others, but the point is, I do not murder, debauch, pillage, rob, you know, the stuff that's generally frowned upon by good people. I try to live my life by one rule: do not hurt anybody (which includes myself). So, according to most popular religions of the world we live in, living a 'good' life, should get me some points on the scoreboard. Sorta like following a healthy lifestyle, eat right, excercise, and you should lose weight, and hopefully live a positively awesome life. Same with this, live right, and you should reap the rewards, by living a joyous, beautiful life. That's the theory.
In practice, this amounts to bullshit. Not only does my life suck lemons, but it has done so for pretty much as long as I can remember. In my lifetime I have been robbed 8 times, been shot at once, almost raped 3 times (depends on how you interpret the rape legislation, which is a whole other blog), and although I hate the term, emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused for a big part of my youth. This has led to my ability to chose healthy relationships being a little warped (big surprise there).
Although according to popular literature, my life till now should have crippled me, I am too stubborn to lie down, and stay down, so, every morning I get up, every day I try to make a better life, every night I cry for all my efforts going to waste. Still, tomorrow morning, guess what I'll be doing? Getting up, and trying again. Yeah well, I've never been much good at only picking fights I can win.
So, every now and again, I get a little down about it all. I get a little pissed off at people ten years my junior, waving and hooting out the window of their half-a-mill-vehicles, sipping their thousand-buck-a-bottle cognac. I get a little pissed off at the guys sitting their fat asses in their leather chairs in their manager's offices, who has never had calluses on their hands from hard work, and who laugh at me for knowing the names of edible plants (cos they've never had to go pick dinner in the veld). I get a little pissed off at husbands and wives bitching at each other for not remembering to call that third time, cos they've never considered life without someone who forgot to phone three times, they've never had to do EVERYthing alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm am not saying that I need a man to function, I have mentioned that before, but I do want someone I can tell about my fucked-up day, and about how much it hurts to feel like I'll never be enough, when seemingly everybody around me is partying up a storm without even a tenth of the things I worry about on a daily basis.

So, to get back to the title of the blog, sometimes I whisper in my head, "Don't you think it'll be nicer for every one concerned, if I just didn't wake up tomorrow morning? I know it certainly would be for me." You know, not to be too pushy or anything, just so She knows, I'm ain't happy, ma'm. That I think I got a raw deal, and would like to re-negotiate. That I'd like to have some of that goodness everbody else gets, without any clear reason for them earning it. Just die a little, and maybe next time choose an easier life, cos this one is no good. It's not like I'm asking for world peace or anything, it's something small and insignificant in the greater scheme of things. Not even a blip on the radar screen of life. The ripples my death would cause would not be worth mentioning. So, somewhere in the dark, just take it, stop my breath, grab the heart so it won't beat. Do what ever it is the Grim Reaper does. Please. (See, I even ask nicely, what good manners I've got.)

And then, like this morning, I wake up, and think: "Well, Thanks for listening, and Fuck You too!".

What does sacred mean to you?

Our local art museum is in the building opposite the building I work in. Today, on the floor of our art museum someone pasted the outline of a labyrinth, in brown paper. In the centre of the labyrinth there's a stool, with a pillow on it, and when you sit down, you face a sheet of paper on the floor with the words " The Labyrinth is a sacred space. What does sacred mean to you?" printed on it.

So what does sacred mean to me?

Sacred means that which was, and never will be. Sacred means loving a child for being a child, and letting a child be a child. My dreams were sacred, when I still had them.

I had 2, or, only two that was constant. Firstly, I wanted to care for animals.I told my mom when I was still very small, that I was gonna live in a cottage in a big forest, with lots and lots of animals around me, and no humans. This changed into wanting to become a vet, then into loving them back to health in an animal shelter. Never wanted to worry about funding, or where the next feeding would come from, all I wanted was to hold a sick animal in my arms, and love it. And, whether it died or got healthy, it would have been loved for that while, and it would know that I love it. Second dream, was to live on a piece of land, with a man I love, with my children, and of course - animals. To plant and grow living things, to gather fruit and vegetables I've grown myself. And to care for, and nurture all around me. Doesn't sound like much, I realise, and to some people, this might be a century old dream, past it's "best before" date. I don't care, I think that I would have been whole if I was that person.

So, I guess what's sacred to me, is love. Being loved, and sharing that with every other shiny spark of soul. The most simplistic, delicate, intricate, solid and at the same time, the most inconsistent thing in the universe. Which makes everything I see and everything I am, that much sadder.

Rats, Dogs, Dreams

Had rather peculiar dreams last night. My son has 2 tame rats (for real, not as part of the dream), one white with albino pink eyes, and one looking rather a lot like a wild rat, only much fatter. White one is called Stewart, brown one Jo. Both girls, both totally overweight for rats.

So, in the first dream, Jo was sick, very sick, she was gasping like a dying fish (never good), and was this horrid dull colour, like people get when they're dying a slow, drawn out death. Anyway, I knew I had to take her to the vet, and was on my way, but had the nagging thought at the back of my mind that I was gonna be ridiculed for taking a rat to the vet. Also, there was another rat in the cage, pretending to be Jo, but I knew who the real Jo was, and was more annoyed than worried about the imposter. The dream ended with me on my way to the vet, annoyed at the imposter rat for distracting me from my real mission.

Bit of background before I start the second dream, I have 4 Griffon Bruxellois dogs, a small toy breed, that looks a lot like Pugs, with long hair. Beautifull, sweet little dogs, who adore the person they choose as Alpha.

In the dream, I went somewhere very far away, to collect what must have been about 30 Griffons. Brought them home, but home was a filthy, trailer-park looking place. With scrap metal everywhere, and general disarray. I was so happy with the dogs, that I didn't mind the horrid surroundings at all. The puppies were everywhere, playing, and being happy little dogs as they usually are, when my aunt and a man I couldn't see, showed up. She goes straight to a pair of puppies sitting separate from mine, picks up one and tells me how lucky I am and what good dogs they are. Only, they are not mine, and they are Bull Terriers, a breed that is brilliant on their own, but does not share territory well with other breeds. I love Bull Terriers, but I have seen the savage way they deal with other, less determined, less territorial dogs, and don't want these anywhere near my babies. I just know they would kill off my dogs. So, I tell my aunt exactly what I think of the Bull Terriers mingling with my dogs, and remember feeling very indignant that she would think the Terriers are "better" dogs than my beautiful Griffies.

Lots of symbols, and very open to interpretation, isn't it?

Insomnia on a Bed of Lies

No, I would not sleep in this bed of lies

so toss me out, and turn in.

And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes

so I'm markin' it down to learnin'.

-Matchbox 20

Not really sure why this feels relevant, but, it does.
Mayby it's cos I am honest to god trying to see what is lie and what is truth in my life. Where the end of the truth lies, and where the lies start that I make myself believe. Certainly feel like I haven't been sleeping, bed of lies, or no. My whole body aches, as if I spent the better part of the weekend, willing participant in a torture session. My throat hurts, and every sinus in my body feels stuffed with cotton wool.

So, I'll type more when I have the energy.

Peace.

Every now and again my son does something, or looks at me a certain way, and I gasp, and have to remind myself to stand, cos I love him so much, it takes my brain away.

Stille water, diepe grond, onder dans die duiwel rond.

You know the way water that looks really calm and smooth on the surface, is often freakin' deep and has all kind of shiny, ominous, gliding things moving in and out of the raging currents below?

That's how I've been feeling the last few days. Like when I look inside I see this beautiful, mirror-surfaced lake, but it's petrifying. I just know, if I dare go in there, it'll end up like one of those horror movie scenes, where you wanna scream your head off, and get cold all over, cos what you're seeing is just frightening beyond belief. Thing is, I have to, I have to do the whole deep breath, open eyes, swim under the surface thing. Cos to get to the other side, I have to find the scary things, and deal with them.

What I've never mentioned before, is that I have a strange phobia about swimming under water. Not really swimming, more like being still under the water, and looking up toward the surface. When I see a camera shot like that on tv, I want to jump behind the couch and curl up like a small child, only peeping over the top later on to see whether it's gone. Honest. Seeing that, makes my heart jump into my throat, and makes my breath catch, I break out in a sweat, the whole package. My pet theory is that it comes from a past life, I have no other logical explanation for it.

So, feeling the way I'm feeling about exploring what lies beneath my own surface, you have to understand the level of sheer terror I am anticipating. I'm not at all sure I can deal with it, whatever it may turn out to be. Standing on the edge of the lake, knowing I have to go in there, I can't even begin to measure my fear, and even though I know it's as simple as putting one foot in front of the other into the water, I am frozen, immobile. Don't know how to get myself moving.

Sometimes I wonder if living in fear isn't habit forming, like, if you stop, won't it feel unnatural? Not to be afraid all the time?

Hec -tic!

Today is one of the most hectic days I have had in a long while! Which is probably a good thing, as it keeps my mind occupied, so I can't think up more shit to stress about.

Through the Barricades - Spandau Ballet

Mother doesn't know where love has gone
she says it must be youth
that keeps us feeling strong
See it in her face, that's turned to ice
and when she smiles she shows
the lines of sacrifice



And now I know what they're saying
when the sun begins to fade
and we made our love on wasteland
and through the barricades


Father made my history
he fought for what he thought
would set us somehow free
He taught me what to say in school
I learned it off by heart
but now that's torn in two


And now I know what they're saying
in the music of the parade
we made our love on wasteland
and through the barricades


Born on different sides of life
we feel the same
and feel all of this strife
So come to me when I'm asleep
we'll cross the line
and dance upon the street


And now I know what they're saying
when the drums begin to fade
we made our love on wasteland
and through the barricade


Oh, turn around and I'll be there
There's a scar through my heart
but I'll bare it again
I thought we were the human race
but we were just another borderline case
And the stars reach down and tell us
that there's always one escape



I don't know where love has gone
and in this troubled land
desperation keeps us strong


Friday's child is full of soul
with nothing left to lose
there's everything to go


And now I know what they're saying
it's a terrible beauty we've made
so we make our love on wasteland
and through the barricades


Now I know what they're saying
as hearts go to their graves
we made our love on wasteland
and though the barricades.

Confusion is dead! Long live confusion.

I am still as confused as I was before the weekend. I kept both of my appointments with the girl friends, and they were both fine. Glad I went, even if just to catch up.

The rest of my life, I still have no clue about.

Resolved to just stop the stressing and worrying, I used to have rather severe asthma in my late teens and early twenties, which stopped. Doctor told me it was Psycho-somatic, which simply means that the asthma attacks were my body's way of dealing with trauma. Getting too upset would trigger an attack. I learned to recognise my body's signs, and tried to change my mood so sometimes I succeeded in stopping an attack. They eventually became very infrequent, and I haven't had a full-blown attack in years. In the last few months, I have had the onset signs quite a few times though, which really worries me. I realise that, if I don't change the emotional climate I'm in, I might go back to freaking out without breath, while trying to remain calm enough not to black out. So, I HAVE to work at my fears. Making decisions based on fear, is no good. Didn't work in the past, and it sure as hell ain't working now.

Thing is, I'm not sure my problem is so psychological, that I can actually solve it myself, I think I might need professional help. I've been able to piece together some of the reasons I am so antagonistic towards men, but I think that there's a major chunk missing. Stuff like, my rage toward men who look at me admiringly, no idea where that comes from. Or, my inability to feel safe with a man, no matter whether he's done anything to warrant distrust. Sometimes I get quite overwhelmed by all my own issues. How can I ever hope to be happy with any man, if I trust absolutely no man?

Once told an ex of mine (who happened to be a sado-masochist) that you can't fix people once they're broken. And now, surprise, surprise, I don't know how to fix myself.

WTF?

I've signed on twice today, only to sign off again. Simply cos I don't know what to write. My life is one big tub of confusion at the moment. People I never thought would, are getting married, or moving away, and I'm stunned. Feels like I'm standing in the middle of a huge square, with people milling around me, evertbody knowing exactly where they're heading, and what they have to do once they're there. Only I'm clueless, the only one not in the know.

That, plus my usual state of confusion about men, it too too much. No more, I feel like throwing my hands up over my head, and begging anyone close enough to hear, to "make it stop!". A friend from long ago just stopped by to bring me a gift she brought from Amsterdam, and tell me that she's relocating in a week's time. Oh. Ok. Thanks for stopping by. WTF?

And, to keep it piling on, The Collegue is messin' with my mind again. Being totally stumped about his latest behaviour, I called in the big guns, I asked a guy friend about him. He agreed with me, that TC is confused, and should be left alone, unless he actually DOES something concrete, and identifiable as 'a move'. So, even though I'm confused as hell, the one thing I'm holding on to, is that I offer him friendship, he can take it, leave it, smoke it, whatever.

Busy weekend ahead (for me), tomorrow I'm having a braai with the friend who's leaving. Sunday having coffee with a pregnant friend, who's confused about how to actually have her baby brought into the world, naturally, or by having him cut out of her.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE? IF ANYONE CAN TELL ME, I'D BE EVER SO GRATEFUL!! I'LL BE THE ONE IN THE SQUARE SHAKING MY HEAD, AND MUMBLING TO MYSELF.

No! Not the soundproof booth again ..... aaaaaarrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!

Loneliness is getting to me.

I know that I am supposed to be a complete, fulfilled human being on my own, without needing someone else to complete me. And I am, I don't need a man to be able to fill my space in humanity, I don't need a man to do things I have been programmed to think I am unable to. I know how to handle a drill, work in my own garden, fix my own plugs etc etc etc. But I cannot give myself the kind of affection I crave. I cannot touch myself gently, and feel loved.

Late yesterday afternoon, I accompanied my friend to the office building basement, where the smokers do their thing, to catch up, since we hadn't had the chance to talk in a while. On the way back, we bumped into The Collegue, whom I haven't seen since middle December. Since we were discussing serious stuff (she lost a very good friend cos of rumours he believed) I wasn't looking particularly perky (or feeling it), and had to work on giving him a smile. He paused, probably expecting me to stop and chat, which I didn't feel like doing. Nina was getting stuff off her chest, and it seemed silly to blow her off, just cos he showed up. I got a very strange stare as we turned away, kinda like he was shocked about something, which made me feel guilty.

Last night I decided that it was a good thing I didn't spend time with him, partly because I resolved to stay away from him, as part of my "Stay Away From Unavailable Men" campaign, and partly because even platonic friendship is a two-way lane. In this particluar 'friendship' I have always been the one to make sure we chat, or even just see each other. And, I'm done with that, for now. Seems one of my current themes is 'weeding', been systematically getting rid of acquintances and friends that contribute nothing to the friendship, but the glory of gracing me with their presence now and again. And although friendship is supposed to be unconditional, I am the only one carrying the emotional and physical cost of these, and cannot afford to anymore. So, as he definitely falls into that category, it's probably best that I leave him alone. It just feels so damn horrible. I missed him, and wanted to stop and talk, I wanted to let him know that I'm glad he's back. Last night at home, it just got too much, I am keeping so much in at the moment, I think my emotions are threatening to start overflowing. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. Usually, feeling like this signals the start of a period of horrendous depression, dressing badly, walking around encased in a portable soundproof booth, and isolation. Which I do not want!

So, I obviously have to find a alternate way through this particular part of the labyrinth, it's just that one way pretty much looks like the next from where I'm standing, endless and empty.

Update on JC

Just heard that JC is coming for a visit in February, via my friend. Now, let me do a quick update on him. I sent him that e-mail in November explaining why I chose not to have too much contact anymore. Since then, he's sent me a couple of jokes, I've sent him season's wishes, but that's been it. He's coming over for a mutual acquitance's marriage. I'm wondering whether I'll see him, at the moment I'm hoping not. Probably won't eh? I mean, we haven't had meaningful contact for over a month, so he'll probably just ignore me, I hope.

Ah well, I'm sticking to my decision, come what may. No use stressing over milk that has yet to be spilled.

Blogger Beast of Burden

If it wasn't for this blog, I'd have exploded by now. In the past, I discussed, analysed and complained stuff, with my mom as soundboard. But lately, I don't feel like I have the right to lay everything on her anymore. Don't know why. I just get the feeling that she's tired of having to heave around my problems, as well as her own. So, although I realy really want to discuss things with someone, I keep things to myself, and blog about them instead. The one-sided conversations do get to me sometimes, like today. Wish I could hear a few words of encouragement, and that I'm ok, not really as far gone as it feels.

Last night, I just had to tell her about my skin problems (see yesterday's blog), but in the end, I didn't. Instead, I just stayed quiet, burning to speak.

My best friend is going through a very tough time at the moment, and I'm anxious for him. Last night, there was a while I was really terrified, and I worry it was because of him. I hope he's all right.

Another one of my decisions for the year, is to stay away from unavailable men, whether they are unavailable emotionally, or for other reasons, doesn't matter. I'm staying away. Which also means staying away from The Colleague, funny thing is, I miss him, I miss his voice, and chatting to him. Never thought I would, thought it'd be just another one of those things, not seeing him anymore. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Also makes me a little sad, because this means that I am pretty much staying away from all the guys I've had in my life in one form or another, 'till recently.

It makes it a lot easier to observe my pattern though, I'm definitely noticing that, should I meet 2 friends, I am, without fail, drawn to the one that is not available. Weird!

Sometimes it feels like I'm standing on the edge of the earth's atmosphere, and all I see in front of me, is space. No one walking in my direction, no laughing men, rodeo-ing in on the tail of a comet. Just loneliness, and endless self-examination, leading me in circles. Around and around the planet, around and around. Just one foot in front of the other, and always, always just me.

I am lonely, and although, at the moment, I know that I'm strong enough to handle the loneliness, I don't want to have to. Don't want to live a life of sadness and regret. A life wasted.

Deprivation & Honesty

Now, I don't know if this is normal, or if there's something wrong with me physically. I am definitely suffering from what I call 'touch deprivation'. Symptoms, uncontrollable crying, shivering when touched by accident, overwhelming signals from the brain to try and prolong accidental touches as long as possible, and in short, just clutching out in general when seeing people touch each other with affection.

I feel like any kind of affectionate touch will just make me melt into a puddle. Dissolve into a quivering jelly of joy. And, that I'll never get to feel like that again, ever. That it's just going get worse and worse, and that I'll have to leave the vicinity of anybody touching, because I might freak out and start foaming at the mouth. That in the end, I'd have to keep myself out of touching range of anybody, cos if we accidentally touch, I might do something strange, like rub myself against them, while purring like a newly serviced tractor. Or begging them to do it again.

And I know that I'm making it sound a little funny and sexual, but it's not about that. It's just about being touched with affection. Just feeling someone else touch me deliberately, with the intention of conveying affection. God, I can not tell you have much I NEED that!

Now, where the honesty part of the title comes in. My baby brother (11 years my junior) has had the same best friend for about 12 years now. A beautiful boy, dark and built really well. In the past, I loved flirting with said friend, because I could make him blush really easily. (And, as anybody who blushes easily can tell you, it's really fun to reverse the situation and see someone else blush for you.) This escalated into a serious vibe between us, to the extend that his girlfriends get jealous of me, even though we don't see each other on a regular basis. My brother has borne all this with a smile, and only makes the occasional joking remark about it when we get a bit outrageous.

Lately, I've been wondering if the friend and I would have any kind of chance to be more than just friends. Saw him Saturday, after quite a while, and he's no longer the good-looking boy, he's lost all the boyishness, and is now a really handsome man. I teased my brother about it, and found out that he's afraid if we took the flirting to any kind of different level he'd lose his best friend. Not very flattering, eh? My own brother believes that the only thing I'm capable of as far as men are concerned, is to drive them away. Honest, but not nice. Anyway, I respect his feelings, and now finally understand why he's been the way he's been all these years. Damn shame though, especially given the way I feel lately, and the way we seem to gravitate toward each other. Ah well.

Some things you just have to accept, just like I have to accept this horribly hungry skin of mine. Can't exchange it just yet, so I have to get used to living in skin that tells me more clearly than any other part of my anatomy that I need affection. (Which is why there's a Venus Fly Trap as pic, that's how my skin makes me feel.)

Press Play to stop the Pause

Been writing things down by hand, Network was buggered:

01/01/2007
I am writing by hand today, strange to see how my handwriting has changed through the years. Now it's this strange mix of styles, nothing identifyable or specific.

New Year's promise to self:
be more open, trust, have faith. Since I've been thinking about faith, when I look in the mirror, I see someone younger than I did a few months ago. Like the decision has drained a little of the cynic from my eyes. God, I like that I can see it. Have to admit that I feel more vulnerable, softer, but that's not something that I feel I should run from, just yet. Feels a little like I'm a hermit crab peeking out of it's shell after a long long rest.

My son is back, now the rehabilitation process starts again. Always after spending a long time with his father, he comes back as this unfamiliar little boy, and it's like my body and senses doesn't recognise his aura. Like a baby animal that's been handled by humans, and smells strange to it's mother for a while. It's only after he's been home for a few days that I feel that bond, pure and strong, running between us.

02/07/2007
Bad night. Sick son, no sleep. Exhausted. Feeling flat and listless. I feel upbeat about 2007, as far as love is concerned. Been keeping away from my collegue (refer archives) and JC, and instead of feeling in desperate need of male attention, as expected, I am ok. Still smiling (of somewhat tiredly). I am taking comments and interactions with men at face value, and leaving it at that, which feels good. I hated being so suspicious, so I've stopped being suspicious.

Gymming is paying off in terms of losing weight. But, I never saw myself in a full length mirror for a year, and now I can, I was shocked to see my the extent that my body has changed in the last while, and I'm hoping for more improvement as far as toning is concerned. It's also helped my energy levels go way up, yay!

It's strange, even though I expect men to be interested in me due to my internal attributes - heart, mind, soul - I still feel the need to make myself attractive. Don't really feel that it's focused solely on attracting men, it's more about not wanting to give up control of one thing I can (to an extent) control. Plus, I suppose that on some deeper level I get a kick out of the stares, and feel less isolated from humanity, if someone does something as mundane as try to get my attention.

Like game that's been paused, I'm hoping that the action of thinking it in motion, is going to get my life moving again. Hold thumbs.

05/01/2007

Today, I feel sad. Sad because I miss being touched. My body feels disconnected from everybody around me, and like it's been cut off from human affection. My skin longs to be in contact with someone else's skin. A hand on my back, touching my neck softly, brushing my hair aside. I miss that so much! Isn't it strange, in a crowded world, with people constantly jostling and bumping each other, that the only thing I should need so badly, is something we usually take for granted. I mean, everybody gets touched, right? There's human contact everywhere, touching hands when something gets handed over, a brush of arms when passing on the street, stepping on toes in a crowded elevator. So why is it that I feel so alone and cut-off from that? A friend rubbed my back a few days ago, and I felt like arching my back like a cat, and purring against his legs in an effort to have him continue. Thing is, it's not that I just want a friendly pat on the back though, I want intimate, open, kissing, touching, sweating, tongues, hands, moving, and I can't have it.

Instead of getting all blocked about it, I've decided that it's ok to feel sad, and I am officially letting myself, which helps stave off depression. I am not letting it fester inside, until it inflames everything, I'm letting it out into the open, so today's mantra is: It's all right to be sad.

It's all right to be sad.