Bring on the miracles.

Remember that miracle man I was going to go looking for? Still AWOL, if he actually exists. I'm absent myself next week, but not without leave, I have an actual signed leave application (Take the hint, you bloody miracle mongrel!). Sorry, feeling a bit aggro this morning.

I don't want to give up on love, I don't I don't I don't! But, sweet jesus, how the hell do I keep holdin' on to something that I've only ever heard of? Kinda like the Tasmanian Tiger, people keep seeing it, but it's never been properly documented, and according to science it's been extinct for decades. Or like Bigfoot, only seen by drunken, doubtful hicks that take grainy pictures of cousins in gorilla suits. Or the Loch Ness Monster. The stuff of deception and legend.

Anyway, I'm back under the radar emotionally speaking, I've managed to tame the animal in me that tries to tear through my skin every now and then. Back to smooth and steady. Hopefully, I'll be able to get this awful season over without another outbreak threat. Gawd, I hate the holiday season!

Plans further on: doing the last shopping and preparations this weekend, taking my brother to see a movie. Leaving Christmas morning for Makhado, to spend the day with mom's family, coming back same day. Then basically staying at home doing things I don't get the chance to do during normal working days. Like move around Misha's room, etc. Then spending New Year's at home (by choice), like I have the past 4 years. Then back to work on the 2nd. Oh joy! I can hardly contain my excitement.

Yule is over, last night was solstice. In the Southern Hemisphere this signals the height of summer, and the turning of the season towards winter. I've been having that hibernating feeling for a long time, so it'll be good when the season finally catches up with me.

I'm out, another miserable Christmas ahead. To all the happy people out there, I wish you continued happiness. To all the not-happy people out there, I wish us all miracles.

Deeper and deeper I go

Bad, bad day. It started yesterday afternoon, there's this guy that visits our office every now and then (so I hear), who thinks I have nice legs. Fine, I have no problem with that. Now I hear he's been asking about me, am I married, blah blah blah. No problem with that, either. I mean, he can do what he likes, right? He's not bothering me. I know his name, and asked my friend whether he knows him yesterday at lunch. Turns out he does. They went to school together. His reaction? "He just wants to bonk you!" Oooooookay. And this is gonna help me get over my agression toward men ...... how, exactly? If even guys think that about guys .... argh! let me not start that again.

So, I tell my mom the story, expecting her to laugh, nope, she agrees. Again, isn't anybody LISTENING????? I need some positive reinforcement here!!!!! That aside, next soryline.

I mentioned waaaaaayyy before, that I have a disabled brother, well, he's staying with us for now, he's spending Christmas with mom, so he's been staying with my sis during the day, and then we pick him up after gym, and go home. Last night he informs us that he brought money to go see a movie, and we discuss which movie he'd enjoy. We did not, however talk about when this movie would be watched, so he apparently decided it was to be last night. After dinner he asks me whether we're going to the movies and I tell him, no. He storms out, and ignores me for the rest of the night. Before then, as we arrived home, he tell me he knows a secret, now my brother cannot keep a secret, and most of all, he loves telling people what they're getting for Christmas. Now, I like surprises, so I always beg him not to tell me, which he usually does anyway. So last night, I ask him not to tell me the secret. As we get home and start the trek from the car to the house, he asks my mother whether he can tell me, so I say "No! I don't want to know!", upon which I get shouted at that I'm making it very difficult for him, he just want to appologise for my toaster he broke, and give me a new one (that my mom bought). But she was really hurtful about it, and that upset me. So, he appologises and gives me this godawful orange toaster. Fine, I'm happy about the fact that I can give my son his favourite breakfast again. I'm just really upset about being the one that everybody's frustration gets poured out on. I don't really know how to fix it though, without getting bitchy and nasty myself.

To be honest, I haven't felt this shut down in months, if not years. And now, I remember how much I hate this feeling. So, I started the day resolving to find out why exactly I'm feeling so hurt, and fix it. Maybe I can fix it before I get totally wedged in the mud. Start the swimming to the top, instead of sinking to the bottom, while I'm still halfway down.

I miss my son, horrendously.

Phew!

Almost lost you there! Haven't been able to sign in on my blog all morning, now all of sudden I can! Yay!!

Yesterday got a call from one of my bestest friends, who moved away, and is back now. We had lunch to catch up, which was really nice! I'm very attached to the friends I have, and missed him A LOT! There's a very old song I used to listen to when I was small, that describes it accurately. I'll have to translate, but it basically says that 'the people that I love, grows on me like moss, there I let them thrive, and when one leaves, it leaves a wound that just won't heal', well, that's how I feel about my friends. Like a little hermit crab that searches for a shell that fits just right, then adds a beautiful anemone, and builds layers to buffer itself the outside world, covering itself in beautiful, strong things.

We have a tentative lunch date for today again, so I hope I'll be seeing him again this afternoon, I still haven't refilled totally, I need more time till I can continue normally.

A start

Still holding on to the sentiments expressed yesterday, holding out for faith. I am working on it, damn it! Can't scale Kilimanjaro in a day, you know. So far I haven't gotten angry at any staring men, and I only cursed at one man yesterday, cos he was driving like his ass.

I am being nice, which is a start.

Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand

and lead me through the fire

be the long awaited answer

to a long and painful fight.

Truth be told I've tried my best

but somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

and the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know

so don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

We all begin with good intent

love was raw and young.

We believed that we could change ourselves

the past could be undone.

But we carry on our backs the burden

time always reveals

in the lonely light of morning

in the wound that would not heal.

It's the bitter taste of losing everything

that I've held so dear.

I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know ...

So don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

Heaven bend to take my hand

nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to those I thought were friends

to everyone I know

Oh they turn their heads embarrassed

pretend that they don't see

but it's one missed step

one slip before you know it

and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know

So don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

Sarah McLachlan

Accepting faith

I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to believe in faith. I just don't know how, yet. My weekend was pleasant, peaceful, if uneventful, that was by choice. I went to watch a movie with my mom and brother, worked in the vegetable garden, and generally took it easy.

All along I've been trying to analyse faith, to find out how you actually work it, what the method is behind it. Stupid, eh? I know, there is no logic, or instructions, you either have it, or you don't. So, now I have to work on accepting things I canoot prove. In other areas of my life, that's never been a problem, I mean, I believe in magick, I believe in the feyfolk, angels, all kinds of creatures and powers I can't prove. But, once again, I have felt them, I have worked magick and know it's powerful and exists, I have felt the presence of angels, and faeries, so I have experienced them. Now, I have to have that same belief of something I've never experienced, so that'll definitely be more of a challenge.

Hold thumbs for me, I'm venturing out in a big bad world, with nothing but faith to keep me safe.

The pic is there to help me gather courage, and act less like a scared child, if only for his sake.

Instead of the answer (or no answer, ever), I was dreading from JC, I got a joke. That's right, he chose to go the neutral route, and send me a joke. Not quite what I expected, but in the place of resentment, or any such emotions, I am totally resigned to his neutrality. I was relieved to hear from him, to be honest, and prefer exchanging jokes to any deep, meaningful conversations, which is what I thought I'd want. He is, and will probably be for a long time, a part of my life, whether I chose it, or not. Finally, I can think about him in the nostalgic, sentimental way you think about people who enriched your life, then moved on. I wish him happiness, and success. And I miss him, but not that raw, intense missing that hurts so bad it makes you gasp. It's a more mellow missing, which is infinitely preferable. Gonna try and keep it that way.

Faith makes no sense

Last night, I had a debate about faith with my mom. Not the religious kind of faith, mind you, just the ability to have faith in general. Or, in my case, having faith that there are "good" men somewhere, and that I will meet one of them sometime. This was all triggered by my visit to my collegue. After basically licking me clean, and swallowing me whole on Wednesday (figuratively), yesterday he was cold, and very businesslike. So, seeing as I couldn't really miss it, I took my cue from him, dropped off the gifts, and hightailed it outta there. Now before that, in my not-so-worldwise opinion, he was on the list of one day being qualified as a "good" man.

Let's examine the factors that contributed to this opinion, shall we:

• He is very thoughtful;
  
• He speaks quietly, and calmly;
  
• He seems very rational;
  
• He smiles frequently;
  
• He takes forever to loose his temper, and even then, stays calm;
  
• He likes children;
  
• He has a very high work-ethic (and the direction he's in, that's very important).

Looking through the list, it seems a little flimsy. But, I suppose it's the vibe, his aura. I'm just very attracted to his calmness, his solidness. He seems safe, but I know that he has a very sensuous streak beneath the calm exterior, which I like too. Now, I've known him for years, around 6, I think. And we've always had a really great rapport, which occasionally turned into outrageous flirtation, but I never, ever saw him as a potential partner, cos he's in a relationship. Recent evidence that all may not be as it seems with said relationship, is basically what made me think there might be some possibility. Plus, his very obvious attraction, which he didn't really bother to hide much the last couple of months. So, I tried, in my way, to show him that I was interested too, to the point that I got questioned about the amount of times I'd been there.

My point is, I was reacting to what I perceived as very positive signals, and yesterday, that was stopped, rather abruptly. Now, I don't really care about the why, this just changed my opinion of him, the sudden turn-about left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't understand his motives, and even though I don't really feel a burning need to, I feel that he can go take a flying leap right about now. So, the one and only potential "good" guy, has frozen himself right off that very short list.

So, to get back to the debate. I asked her how you can have faith in something, without having anything to support that faith. Let's take a silly example, that dogs have personalities. Some believe they don't, I got my first dog when I was around 7, and have spent my whole life with at least one dog around, at the moment I have 4, plus my mom's 2. And I know, without any doubt, that they have souls and complex personalities. Because I've experienced it, I've seen it, I've felt it. I KNOW IT. So, if someone tells me that no, they don't, I know that that's bullshit, because I know the opposite is true, out of experience.

My question remains: if all I've had from men in my life, is pain, hurt, etc etc etc, and I've come to the conclusion that men are the physical manifestation of the world's evil, and someone tells me that that's not true, without having any proof to convince me, how the hell do I just have blind faith that there are good men? That's just not logical, is it? If someone tells me a peach is a cucumber, and has no way to prove my belief that it's a peach, is wrong, WHY would I believe that it's a cucumber?

Mom told me that I have to have faith, which brought us full circle, no closer to an answer. Right after that, the first program I watched on tv, ended with one of the characters saying something that amounted to us not always having to understand why things happen, but that we have to trust, have faith, regardless. Seeing as I don't believe in coincidence, I get the message. Just not so sure I am able to just blindly believe in something, when everything in me, my very cells, tell me the exact opposite is true.

What the universe is telling me basically, is to chuck all my beliefs about men, formed out of a lifetime's experiences, out the window, and try to become an innocent, naive little girl, at least as far as men are concerned. Forget that I know how drunk men beat their wives, and play nasty, scary, painfull, games with their children, forget that I had my first contact with a penis before I even had the knowledge to be able to deal with it in any kind of way, forget that men has desired me for all the wrong reasons all my life, forget that I'll never earn more, or even as much as a man, because I don't have a penis, no matter how hard I work. Forget that I've locked myself in a room to get away from a sadist, who wanted to hurt me, because he got off on that. Forget that I've had to talk and think myself out of potential rape-situations more than once, forget that men never take my no seriously without me having to repeat it again and again. Forget that I've had to learn to fight dirty, use my looks, manipulate, be someone I don't want to, because that's all men react to. Forget that I am 'less' for being a woman, in each and every man's eyes, that I know. Forget that I have to fight that much harder for everything I have, because I am not a man. Forget that I am being harrassed, and have been harrassed, to the point of changing my address and phone number, by men who won't believe that their insistence is not gonna make me spread my legs. Forget that men have hurt me in every way there is to hurt someone.

Now don't get me wrong, if I had a choice, I would come back as a woman again and again. I don't want to be the being that brings misery, ever. But, I think you get my point, changing my mind about men, is gonna take more than just faith, it'll take a fuckin freshly-baked miracle, and if someone knows where to get those, let me know, I'm all out of ingredients.

I wonder if I'll ever have a different reason to gripe, that'd be rather refreshing. Virgin territory for me, for sure! In the meantime, don't contact me for a whle, I'll be busy scouring the streets for my friendly neighbourhood miracle-man. Yeah, right.

Better now

Ok, I'm better today. Not great, but I have smiled since getting out of bed, and since it's not even 8 yet, that's a good sign.

Had a call from one of my friends last night, explaining that she'd met the guy I was seeing (with the drinking problem) and that he hit on her. Now, she obviously didn't tell me everything, but he has her number, and has been calling and texting. My first reaction was anger, how could she? Then, I tried to figure out who I was actually angry with, and why. The who part - him, for being so terribly male, and trying just about anything to get into someone's pants. (Someone who, if anything he told me was true, is SO not his type). The why - I think I might want him to still miss me enough not to want to screw anyone else. (Which is ludicrous, let's say it together, "He is male"!, after all). She said that once she realised it was him, she left it, although I don't altogether believe her, and told her that she was being nasty, and that he might actually really like her. The conversation got a little stilted after that, and she hung up pretty quickly. Now, it just feels weird, and I can kinda understand why most friends don't date their friend's ex'es. But, I feel that if she really likes him, she should go ahead and see him, maybe it's meant to be. Maybe she can mean enough to him to stop drowning himself.

Ok, over that. I did finally chat to my collegue yesterday, quite by accident. My boss sent me on an errand to his floor, and I shouted a greeting as I ran past his office. His reply made me turn back. First thing I did, tattle on his rude receptionist like a three-year old! I told him that I tried to reach him to ask a favour, but that I couldn't get past her. He laughed and said I should ignore her, and come straight in. He insisted I should tell him the favour I wanted to ask, so I did, and he said that I was welcome to keep the gifts there. So I brought them this morning, and will go in a while. He told me that I had to come visit him before he went on leave, which sounds promising, but I am not going to let my mind go it's usual cooky, obsessive, scary route in planning 200 different scenarios of what might happen.

I got very emotional when I told him that my son had left for his holiday, and I suddenly realised that that was a very big contributing factor to my feeling crappy. More so than I thought. If you take into account that my days are filled with looking after my son from my waking second till I pass out on my bed, it's hardly surprising that not seeing him for more than a month should upset me. Pretty normal.

Bad mood.

My not-so-bad-mood af the past few days, seems to have disappeared. Due to a number of different factors.

First, my son left on holiday to the coast with his father today, and as per usual, his (I want to use the word idiot, but won't) father made no set arrangements with me regarding his Christmas gifts, and now my son is disappointed, and I'm sure it's being blamed on me.

Second, I was trying to contact my collegue yesterday, to ask whether I could keep a couple of gifts in his office 'till Friday, so the person they're for, can take them home, but his receiptionist obviously feels obligated to protect him from me, as she kept me from reaching him. And she really pissed me off with the way she made me feel like I'm doing something wrong, and disgusting, by trying to reach him. I mean, I know he's out of bounds, and I do not jump his bones everytime I see him (even if I'd really like to), but he's still my friend, and I like talking to him, and don't, for the life of me, understand why I should feel guilty about it. I'm in two minds, one to keep pursuing the issue, to get to her. Or, to give up totally, cos it's just aggravating me.

I am sooooooooo tired of being treated like some kind of scarlet woman just because I am divorced, not in a relationship, and have more male friends than female. And I know, the proverb says that there's no smoke without a fire, but in this case, believe me, I am no slut. I have in fact, been told by male friends that I'm too conservative.

Anyway, I have to go run an errand for by boss, so I'll cut the lament short. I just hope the day's gonna end better than if friggin started!

The Filling Earth

1. 
   

Another morning. Another day to get over with. Another meaningless collection of hours stretching endlessly in front of me. Today I wish I was standing in a newly plowed field, with the smell of earth and heat, and fertility all around and inside me.





I am sad, that strange inexplicable sadness that gently reminds you that this is a life wasted. Every hour that passes without love, is one that is forever lost.





If only I could be on a farm, where I could put my hands in the earth and water, and feel how Earth nurtures, how She births all, and feeds all, and fills all. This magnificent power has always made me feel less empty on days like this. Like my tears have a reason, and that they contribute to something, even if it is only to give back a minute amount of mineral salts taken from Her.





I very badly need to find a way to live over this hole, or fill it with some unknown substance. It's like I know what my purpose is, and I'm keeping my back to it. Only I don't, all I know is this terrible longing. Like I should be full, like you are when you have a baby inside, like I should be creating a new life with my body. Like I should be with the person that makes me full, and that's my purpose.Only I'm not, and to be honest, I think that I may never be, so I'm responsible for wasting this precious thing.



I'm wasting my own life, and the others I could make full. Sad.

No sleep for the wicked

No sleep this weekend. Why? Cos I was busy fantasising about a certain collegue of mine, imagining what it would feel like to kiss him, really kiss him, since I've only given him friendly happy-birthday pecks so far. Now, I know, that previously I decided that he was off-limits, but after some encouragement from a rather surprising source - my mother, I gave him a call Friday-morning, using a work-related excuse, of course, which turned into a chat-session. Now, I do realise that this is nothing more than flirting, and that dreaming about him, and losing sleep about him, is ridiculous, but I can't help it. Maybe it's hormones, maybe my heart's stupidly set on him. Since I don't think I'd recognise love (or even being in love) if it took a piece out of my ass, I can't be sure.

I do know that I'm going to miss his sexy voice when he goes on leave this Friday. But, I'm hoping that having no contact for a few weeks will cool my heels. He's just another unavailable male, and since I know that my pattern is to be attracted to unavailable men, I also know that I have to do somthing about stopping it, before I drive myself nuttier. I was hoping to have contact with him before he goes, but today I'm kinda against the idea. His office is on another floor of my building, and I can always think up some excuse to visit that floor, since it's a vital part of our business, but he has no reason at all to visit my floor. So, the only contact we have is always initiated by me, which I'm growing very tired of. People are starting to question my motives for being there, which worries me, too close to the truth. And, I don't want to be responsible for his reputation taking a dive. (And since I have the G-team (Gossipers) watching me, that might happen soon). So, I'm gonna try to stay away. And not drive myself crazy for not being able to stop daydreaming, and nightdreaming about him. Sheesh!

MoFo Festive Season

Feedback first: No answer from JC. Collegue was locked in his office, with his receiptionist in front of the door, with a big "Do Not Disturb" sign carved in her forehead. Joking, of course - he had his door closed, and when I enquiried where he was later on, I got attitude from the volunteer body guard. I'm taking this as a negative answer on the question I asked about us having any future. Ah well.

I might be going out with friends tonight. I'm saying 'might', cos I don't want to. Although I love my friends lately I've been having a lot of problems with their general attitude regarding women. Some of them are the quintessential chauvinist assholes. I cannot stand it now, oh boy! My hair stands on end at the end of an evening, and I feel like spitting at them like a cat. So, I'm very uncomfortable with them these days. So, I'll go, but I don't expect to enjoy it much.

Anyway, I'm still on emotional autopilot, the numb feeling is back. Think it has to do with the time of year, I am not a big fan of the festive season. It makes my normally kinda 'dusky' oulook on life, a little more like midnight.

Wait and see........

There's definitely something to be said for physical excercise. I am not usually a fan, but I have to admit that I feel better physically since we started gymming. A little more energy; I've been sleeping well for the past week (very strange for me) and it's nice to be so tired that I actually fall asleep, and don't hover on the brink of waking and sleeping all night.

No word yet from JC, but I am still ok with that. I'm just glad I let him know how I feel, and his reaction is not really gonna change anything about that.

My confidante has been informed about my conflcting feelings for that collegue of mine, with the "housemate". Strangely enough, she finds the situation amusing, and seem to think that I should pretend the "housemate" doesn't exist. Since she's the one who taught me not to mess with people's relationships, I find that very disconcerting. On the other hand, I've been staying away from his office on purpose lately, cos when I see him often, I want to see him more often. And I have this horrible urge to be honest with him about my feelings. I think I'll go say hi today, see what happens. Seeing him always leaves me frustrated, wanting something more. Not good for the hormones.

Dedicated to JC

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right, to ask me how I feel
You have no right, to speak to me so kind
We can't go on, just holding on to time
Now that we're living seperate lives

Well I held on, to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we're living living
Seperate lives

Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation

So you build that wall (build that wall)

Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right, to ask me how I feel
You have no right, to speak to me so kind
Some day I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we'll go on living seperate lives
Yes, for now, we'll go on living seperate lives

Seperate lives - Phil Collins

Did it.

I did it. This is what I e-mailed back:

I’ll be honest: I am quiet because I don’t like missing you so much. I was just getting used to not seeing you any more, then you came to visit, and now it’s like before. So, the less contact we have, the easier it is for me to get used to you not being around. It sounds silly, I know. You’d think, I’d have gotten over that by now.

So, now we wait for his reply, IF he replies. I feel better, small step, but hopefully a meaningful one.

Yay for me!

Courage baby, courage!

E-mail from JC this morning. He wants to know why I'm so quiet. And, since I promised to be honest next time we had contact, I still want to be, I just need a little time to get the courage up. I'll let you know how it went.

Griping, again!

Please, know right from the start of this, that I am not a vain person. That said, I attract a lot of attention. I'm not really sure why, I think it's the whole blonde-blue-eyed-curves-in-the-right-places-thing. Whatever the reason, I have always found this very, very unpleasant, pretty much since I noticed it. Thing is, I don't know why, I mean I can rationalise my anger any way I want to, and I have some pretty good arguments, but in the end, it makes no sense.

My first reaction when I find a man staring at me, is to tell him to fuck off, while smiling nicely. I don't, of course, but the feeling stays. Or if someone makes remarks in the street, it gets me steaming, and it's just the 18-years of being told to be nice, that stops me rounding on them, and telling them exactly what I think of the prehistoric behaviour. Men always seem to find me "something" to have a pissing contest over. "Oh, I could bend that over my desk reeeeeaaal good!", or "that ass is just asking for it!" the list is endless. It's gotten to the point, that I never take compliments seriously, whether they are sincere and nice, or one of the not so subtle variety. Now, my confidante (my mom) and I have discussed this endlessly. Do I have a reason for my aggressive reaction? I don't know. What I do know is that this is a way men show appreciation, and they are visually-inclined creatures. So, technically, I should view the rude comments, gestures, tongues hanging out, whistles, unwelcome approaches etc etc as compliments.

Antoher thing that bugs the crap out of me, and I think most of the single females who hang out with couples a lot, will be able to relate: You arrive at a braai (barbeque) and the moment you enter the room, every wife, girlfriend, significant other, grabs her man by the arm. Or talks louder, or puts her hand on his back, tries to stake her claim, and get his attention in one way or the other. I have had women shove into some pretty small spaces just to avoid me standing next to their boyfriends, or husbands. I have never, ever, ever-ever-ever given ANY woman reason to see me as a threat to her relationship. And since these are usually people that I at least consider casual friends, the fact that people who supposedly know me, reacts like this, drives me up the wall. They should know better.

And the gossip! Oh my lord, if I only I'd done 10% of the things I've been accused of, my god! I would be one hell of an expert in bed! And, the ratio of men who spread rumours actually match the women! Currently, my list of lovers has a total of 3 names on it. Not counting the one-night stand, since I don't consider him a lover. Compared to the stories circulating, you could probably multiply that at least 10 times, should you be a gossip-believer.

My point is, I have allowed other people's insecurities to get to me, I react angrily to compliments, I don't go out with my friends who happen to be part of a couple, and in general don't trust any comments about my appearance. I tone down what I wear, so as not to be too noticeable. I find that I dress in something I like, and when I see how it shows off my curves, I feel like I look vulgar, or like I'm inviting the reactions I get, and change into something less flattering. Which is silly, if my appearance makes other people uncomfortable, it's not my problem really, is it? Other women I see on a daily basis dress a helluva lot more provocatively than I do, yet I'm the one who gets the dirty looks, remarks and gossip.

I've kinda resolved to work on that, to not make other people's insecurities my own. This will be a hard one, though. I am not a heartless, black-widow bitch out to snare anything with a penis just to prove I can, and the fact that some people would have everybody believe that, actually hurts, I don't enjoy making people uncomfortable. As a matter of fact, I go out of my way not to. Which is something that might end soon, so to all those people out there who find me ...... whatever ...... Deal with it! In future, I WILL wear that low-cut top, and that short skirt, cos I can! If everybody else can, so-the-fuck-can-I! So just swallow that forked tongue before you bite yourself while grinding your teeth, and deal with it, darlin!

Cherries; cos they make me feel better.

Mornings & Evenings

I am still feeling like crap. Like I am that internal waterfall, outside smooth and calm, while inside the waters are wearing the surface smooth, and thundering into deep pools, way down in the dark parts of me. I want to cry, and cry, and cry.

Old and jaded, I look at other people and think: "Why are they smiling? What do they have that I don't, that enables them to laugh? What possibilities do they see in this day, or the future, that makes them happy?"

My life has been reduced to an endless string of mornings and evenings. Get up, wake Misha, feed Misa, dress Misha, take Misha to school. The hours inbetween disappear, they are meaningless. Leave work, pick up Misha, feed Misha, bathe Misha, get Misha in bed, read to Misha. Sleep. This is what my life is, nothing more. And, don't get me wrong, I adore my son, but the since Mom is not all I am, it feels like the rest is shrivelling up, and soon it'll blow away.

Feels like I'm looking out of an empty dusty field where I'm standing alone, into a beautiful forest, full of love and possibilities, and I know I'm not allowed in there.

I am less than I started out as, parts of me are lost, or just expired cos they were never used. Diminished, smaller, not whole. I cannot hold everything I'm supposed to.

I have been boiled down to a useless puddle of syrup in the middle of the pan. Destined to be the mom to a son who "is too busy" too loud, too headstrong, too too too. He will forever be "TOO" in some way. That's who he is, forever and ever, amen. But since that's not usual, he's also destined to be made to feel abnormal, forever and ever, amen. And no amount of loving on my side, can ever fix that. That hurts. Knowing how unforgiving "normal" people are, I hurt for my son's sake, and wish I could somehow shield him from the cruelty waiting around the corner. And since this is the one and only purpose left at the moment, and I have no way of preventing it, what is left over?

I used to know that I'm a good mom, these days I'm not so sure. These days I wonder whether he wouldn't be better off without me. These days I'm wondering who'd notice if I just disappeared, and the list is pitiful. My mom, my son, my animals, and after a few days, my boss. Very replaceable, I am invisible, I am taking up space in a crowded world, without any redeeming qualities that could justify me being here. All the dreams and visions I had, of the difference I would make, of the people I would love, of the hurts I would soothe, the way I would makes lives better.

Now and for the future I can see, there's mornings and evenings. And waiting for the world to win, there's no more fight left. I'm tired.