Where I Stand

So, after a weekend of serious introspection, this is what I’ve come up with:
I have been, still am, in hibernation. I decided after a disastrous attempt at love a few years back, that storing myself away, would be safer. So, I put the bits of me that could potentially fall in love, and could potentially be rejected, into orbit. What’s happened in the meantime, is that the rest of me, minus vital emotions, still misses being cared for, so a part of me will always be shining this information into the ether, like some forgotten lighthouse. Which means, that I still attract souls who recognise this, but not consciously so, I think. I get sought out, and people actually care for me in the limited way we choose to (cos let’s face it, someone willing to take this little of me, and be happy with it, cannot have too much to give themselves, can they?) and I try to make it true, which never works out, cos I’m an all or nothing kinda girl.

This latest try followed basically the same principles, cept for the fact that I sought him out, and believe that my looking for him, in the end is what brought us into contact. Unlike the other ‘occurences’ I do not think that this was a hopeless, impossible case. I seriously believe that he came into it with too many reservations, although I don’t blame him, we’ve both been burned pretty badly in the past. I just think that made it kinda lopsided from the start. He was still a helluva lot braver than I am, contacting me after all these years. And, I’m working on accepting that even though I think we could have been something great, he was just not that into me. I’m laying some of this at the door of collected karma, both Sweetie and The Alcoholic were men I had encountered before in this life, so I’m consoling myself that at least some of what’s happened with them, is dealing with karma. Which doesn’t make me any less responsible, mind you. (Thankfully, I can’t think of any other men I might have collected debts with.)

Now, what makes this time different, is that no matter how hard I analyse (and I have, believe me, thought it to death), there is nothing I would have done differently. I went into the situation as myself, and came out of it, as myself. There were no moments I pretended to be other than I am. The person I showed and shared, was the closest to the real me I have ever showed anybody. Which to me is both terrifyingly bad, and something to be happy about. Terrifying because, he rejected me, or the situation, I’m still not truly sure which. And, although I’ll keep waking up to thoughts of him, and what could have been, for a long time to come, I am not broken. The good part in this is that I want to wake up, I want to get whole. And, for the first time I can remember, there is a part of me that knows I am loved, and will be loved. Loved in every sense of the word, like I’ve always dreamed of being loved, and this poor, shameful version I’ve been doling out, will be gone.

Although I still have to figure out exactly how to get myself together, and fix myself and my life, I am content with this start, of at least acknowledging that I cannot continue the way I am, and that I’m looking for avenues to move away from the spot I’ve stood frozen all these years.

Two choices, a) stay here, and give up the rest of me, or b) move, and go looking for what’s waiting. Mmmm, think I’m gonna try for b), this time. Wish me luck.