Skip this one ........

.... if you're tired of emotional, whiney blogs, ok?

This may come as a shock to you, but I am having trouble dealing. No seriously, taking it a wee bit hard. So, if you’re getting a bit fed up with my whining, guess what? Fuck you! I’m having a hard time here, and this (I’m hoping) will help me deal.

Here’s the deal: I've finally been with someone I want to be with, for the remainder of my life with. Which I was SO not planning. I was planning on being a hard-assed “I-can-do-this-on-my-own” type, and end up alone, with my son visiting me when his laundry basket was full. Cos, there was just no-one around I wanted in my life that badly.

Then, someone I’d been thinking about periodically for about 18 years, cos of things that I did in school, started showing up on my radar, and gradually bleeped more and more loudly. So much so, that I started looking for him. In the end, he found me, and we went out. Now, before this happened, I spent a good few months preparing myself for love (I won’t go into an explanation, too new-agey, and too personal). Plus, I was looking for signs, which I got, everywhere – Venus being the brightest star in the sky for the first time in years and years, Angel Cards telling me that romance would show up, etc etc. So, I was totally ready for him to be the love of my life. I knew after the first awkward picnic that I wanted to be with him. He told me from the start that he wasn’t willing to rush into something, but at the same time, would continually push at my ‘friend’ boundaries, so I was never sure what exactly was going on. He kept telling me that his relationships would ‘super-nova’, and he didn’t want that anymore. Some stuff happened that he was sorry about, while I wasn’t, which kinda blew the whole ‘friend’ theory out of the water. Then, he backed off, really, really fast, and despite swearing that he’d be honest, I was the one who forced The Conversation. He’d decided that things were too complicated. Now, although I don’t know what that means, I respect that he feels that way. But to me, this was one of the simplest relationships of my life ….. I wanted to be with him, and thought he wanted the same. Simple’s that. I tried to make contact with him twice after The Conversation, but pretty much got deflected right away.

So, here’s where I’m at. I am obsessing about him, but at the same time, it’s like the part of me looking for a romantic companion, that leapt to the front, has sunk back into myself. Like, I no longer care whether this happens for me, or not. Used to be that I constantly fought my being alone, it was just not right. That’s gone now. I don’t care anymore. He did show me that I could survive showing my vulnerable side to someone, have it stomped on, and still appreciate having done it. That the affection and caring is worth it. That love is a good thing, even if it hurts. I plan on starting to do stuff for myself again, to at least fake a life, as soon as I have my finances back on track. But, I miss him, after everything is said and done each day, it’s him my mind turns to.

The Universe, the Beautiful Beloved Ones, have been summoned for explanations, and I have asked for the missing and obsessing to be blocked. For a shield I put up between us, to be made strong and carried by Them, if it’s supposed to be there. I’ve cut the metaphoric ties, yet, he’s not going away. Everywhere I see and hear and taste reminders. I’ve told the Beloved a few times to please stop being cruel. They have a bizarre sense of humour. Constantly seeing little signs of him everywhere, feels like having my nose repeatedly coming into violent contact with the heel of a very large hand. Stopping the bleeding, then doing it again. Fuuuuuuunnn!!!!!!!

I’m lost, sometimes I actually manage to go numb, sometimes I actually laugh (and think to myself, “that sounds hollow”), and then some little sign that brings him again, arrives.

If we are done, I need to be done, too. If we’re not done, I need to know that, too. I can’t stay here, I can’t. It doesn’t fit, and I’m afraid if I stay, I might disappear, like a ghost in the mist.

Beloved Beings, this is me, trying to find some sanity in all this. I feel like a ancient, aching robot, I can function, I can talk, smile, eat, read stories. I need you guys to help me live, I need this sorted, please. Throw me a rope, please, help help help help help help help help.