That Sinking Feeling

I have worked very hard, in the last couple of years, on not letting myself sink too deeply into the quicksand of depression when bad stuff happens. And, as a matter of personal pride, I've managed pretty well.

On all subjects except finances, that is. This is the one area that gets me, that pulls and pulls, until I start swallowing sand, stop struggling, and close my eyes. My finances have always been a dire strait. There's never enough, and if I don't get that little bit extra I sometimes get, if we're lucky at work, I don't make it. And, if the little extra stays away for more than 2 months, I'm fucked. Like now. This month I'm stressing about not being able to pay rent, again. And, if I can't pay, and we have to move, mom loses the roof over her head with me. And my son, and our dogs, cats, everything.

I am really bad at financial planning, I know, I also have a bit of a addiction to shopping, which I'm dealing with, but slowly. So, I kinda get myself in spots too tight to move, and being claustrophobic, feeling this restrained makes the panic push up like vomit.

The threat of not being able to pull rabbits out of hats are always present, and it drives me to the darkest of despair. This is the most powerless I ever feel, and there's nothing I hate more than this.