This Too Shall Pass.......

I am better. Not sure how stabile the being-better is, but I'm better.

Yesterday's mantra actually helps. It doesn't take away the missing and the feeling of love lost. But it does help to accept that this had to happen, that it happened the way it was supposed to, and that I will eventually find it's place in the map of my life, and that it will belong there.

So, for today, I'm doing the grateful-thing, grateful for in some small measure, being able to process this.

Mantra for the Day

There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.
There’s no such thing as a wrong decision. Everything happens at it’s appointed time.

Skip this one ........

.... if you're tired of emotional, whiney blogs, ok?

This may come as a shock to you, but I am having trouble dealing. No seriously, taking it a wee bit hard. So, if you’re getting a bit fed up with my whining, guess what? Fuck you! I’m having a hard time here, and this (I’m hoping) will help me deal.

Here’s the deal: I've finally been with someone I want to be with, for the remainder of my life with. Which I was SO not planning. I was planning on being a hard-assed “I-can-do-this-on-my-own” type, and end up alone, with my son visiting me when his laundry basket was full. Cos, there was just no-one around I wanted in my life that badly.

Then, someone I’d been thinking about periodically for about 18 years, cos of things that I did in school, started showing up on my radar, and gradually bleeped more and more loudly. So much so, that I started looking for him. In the end, he found me, and we went out. Now, before this happened, I spent a good few months preparing myself for love (I won’t go into an explanation, too new-agey, and too personal). Plus, I was looking for signs, which I got, everywhere – Venus being the brightest star in the sky for the first time in years and years, Angel Cards telling me that romance would show up, etc etc. So, I was totally ready for him to be the love of my life. I knew after the first awkward picnic that I wanted to be with him. He told me from the start that he wasn’t willing to rush into something, but at the same time, would continually push at my ‘friend’ boundaries, so I was never sure what exactly was going on. He kept telling me that his relationships would ‘super-nova’, and he didn’t want that anymore. Some stuff happened that he was sorry about, while I wasn’t, which kinda blew the whole ‘friend’ theory out of the water. Then, he backed off, really, really fast, and despite swearing that he’d be honest, I was the one who forced The Conversation. He’d decided that things were too complicated. Now, although I don’t know what that means, I respect that he feels that way. But to me, this was one of the simplest relationships of my life ….. I wanted to be with him, and thought he wanted the same. Simple’s that. I tried to make contact with him twice after The Conversation, but pretty much got deflected right away.

So, here’s where I’m at. I am obsessing about him, but at the same time, it’s like the part of me looking for a romantic companion, that leapt to the front, has sunk back into myself. Like, I no longer care whether this happens for me, or not. Used to be that I constantly fought my being alone, it was just not right. That’s gone now. I don’t care anymore. He did show me that I could survive showing my vulnerable side to someone, have it stomped on, and still appreciate having done it. That the affection and caring is worth it. That love is a good thing, even if it hurts. I plan on starting to do stuff for myself again, to at least fake a life, as soon as I have my finances back on track. But, I miss him, after everything is said and done each day, it’s him my mind turns to.

The Universe, the Beautiful Beloved Ones, have been summoned for explanations, and I have asked for the missing and obsessing to be blocked. For a shield I put up between us, to be made strong and carried by Them, if it’s supposed to be there. I’ve cut the metaphoric ties, yet, he’s not going away. Everywhere I see and hear and taste reminders. I’ve told the Beloved a few times to please stop being cruel. They have a bizarre sense of humour. Constantly seeing little signs of him everywhere, feels like having my nose repeatedly coming into violent contact with the heel of a very large hand. Stopping the bleeding, then doing it again. Fuuuuuuunnn!!!!!!!

I’m lost, sometimes I actually manage to go numb, sometimes I actually laugh (and think to myself, “that sounds hollow”), and then some little sign that brings him again, arrives.

If we are done, I need to be done, too. If we’re not done, I need to know that, too. I can’t stay here, I can’t. It doesn’t fit, and I’m afraid if I stay, I might disappear, like a ghost in the mist.

Beloved Beings, this is me, trying to find some sanity in all this. I feel like a ancient, aching robot, I can function, I can talk, smile, eat, read stories. I need you guys to help me live, I need this sorted, please. Throw me a rope, please, help help help help help help help help.

The Meaning of the Word Obsession

Lying awake thinking of him, dreaming of him when you fall asleep, waking up between dreams, thinking of him, reminding yourself that he’s probably making love to someone else at that precise moment, getting up, thinking of him.
Spending the day alternating praying he contacts you, and telling yourself to ‘get a life, he won’t’.
Not understanding why he doesn’t feel your whole being screaming for him across the ether. Not understanding how he can not feel the same.
Losing more weight in a 3 week period than in a year of work-outs, cos the smell of food makes you nauseous. Drinking too much coffee to fill the gap left by not eating, shaking before you overload of coffee, shaking more after you overload on coffee.
Forgetting your words cos you’re thinking of him while trying to have a conversation with someone else.
Not being able to listen to your CD’s, cos you shared them with him. Not being able to pet your dogs without thinking of him, cos he liked them, too. Not being able to cook certain dishes, cos you make them for him.
Not being able to light candles, cos fire makes you think of him.
Seeing cars that could potentially be him, everywhere.
Giving up on the idea of having anyone in your life, cos if it’s not him, it can’t be someone else.
Having a cold spot between your shoulder blades, that just does not heat up. Hurting all the time.
Telling yourself to move on, and start living again, while praying to die.

Oh god It's Friday!

Fr!end (don't ask), wants to know what I'll be doing this weekend. So, here's what I got so far: spend as much time doing ANYTHING but thinking, and includes watching movies I wanna see, movies I don't wanna see, movies I've seen, and hopefully falling asleep during one.

I've realised that it's over (yay for me!), and that it's really over (yay for me!), and that I'm not gonna see him, or have contact with him. That doesn't stop me from waiting for the phone to ring, or the cars passing by our house to stop, or, when I turn on my phone in the mornings, to wait for the sms to come through. I know, pathetic, weak, stooooooopid!

I know. Can't help it though. I was wrong about him caring, yes. I was wrong about a lot of things, but that doesn't change how I feel. Doesn't change that I want to be with him, and doesn't stop me from thinking, and getting sad. So, the plan is to distract myself, see? Disctract myself to sleep, and then distract myself some more when I wake up. Lame plan, but the only one I got.

For Today .......

I thought for today that I’d try to give the whole ‘god, I am SO SAD!’ routine a rest (even though it still creeps up on me every day, like a literal 5-o-clock shadow, just in time for the evening, lots of time to cry, you see – but I digress). So I’ma try a different take on it:

On the way to Misha’s school, we drive past a lane of Wild Pear Trees, the first SA trees to blossom each year. I think, in Venda, they’re named “Announcers of the Spring”, isn’t that beautiful? Bunches of off-white flowers hang from heavy branches. They’ve been flowering for a few weeks now, and smell of honey in the afternoon sun.

I also noticed this morning that the Coral Trees are flowering, gorgeous scarlet that always reminds me of my grandfather for some reason, a good thing.

Even being sad, in it’s way, is a positive sign, it means that I am actually braver than I gave myself credit for. Even though I’d convinced myself that falling in love/ caring for someone, was a bad idea, I went ahead and risked it. And, I really am thankful for the time I shared with the Honey, it’s opened a portal to the idea that there's actually men out there my heart likes, and that means that my life holds possibilities again. I may slowly be changing my mind about men being the root of all evil. Which in itself, is a miracle.

I live in a country where Life is everywhere. A lifetime ago, I spent a month in the First-Worldedness that is Canada, as a kind of test to see whether I’d relocate there. The answer: HELL, NO! Here, kids dance on garbage heaps, dogs play even though they’re starving, people laugh out loud, and everywhere you look, something is ALIVE! Smiling at a child means that you get a smile back, or even a little hand reaching out for a touch, a shy giggle from behind mom, or a terrified screech and tears. Over there, kids hid from smiles with passive, adult faces; people enquired whether I was ok when I laughed too loud; and the only things warm were the heated malls and enclosed pedestrian bridges. The people were dead, their minds where alive, and so sorry for the poor Africans, but the rest … cold and frozen.

Love surrounds me, although I very often fail to see what’s in front of me. I have a boy who whispers: “My Mamma”, before he kisses and hugs me. Who burrows into my side as we watch the world’s tragedies flash past on the tv.

Yes, I have lost people and parts of myself on the way here. But that pillar that I see at the core of the people in my life I admire; that pillar is part of me too, and it’s still there. It’s strong, and bright, and eternal. The sadness, tears, everything I’ve lost, that’s all transient, loose, replaceable. Maybe I should just take it as it is, like the touch from a smiling child in a supermarket, hug it to myself for a moment, and then let it go.

He thought I was Dreaming, but all I was, was Cold

I see your lips moving, but ......

.... all I hear is white noise.

Not sure whether this is something that happens to everybody, but I have days when it seems I am moving in slow motion, while the rest of the world rushes by. It's like my mind, body and spirit has conspired to just ....cut me off. I hear people talking, I see people move, and I just don't take any of it in. Everything seems far away, like it has absolutley no bearing on me at all.

If I have to describe the feeling, it's like in those documentaries when they film someone standing in a crowd, and then edit it so it looks like the crowd is scuttling by, and this person is standing still for hours and hours.

Don't know why this happens, maybe I just get so tired, that this is a way to let myself recharge, or maybe something has subconsciousnly been so traumatic that I shut down to deal with it.

Whatever it is, feels like I'm working off-line today. I am numb.

Dead Frog on the Back Doorstep!

Or: Defunct Joy in the Past.

I am currently on a quest to find Joy. No, not the person Joy, the feeling that makes you gasp, and laugh out loud, and jump.... that kind of Joy. So, last night, I shared with Chief Advisor, that according to Google, Frogs are one of the symbols commonly used for Joy. So, guess what's waiting for me as I open up the back door to let the slightly hysterical doggies in this morning?

If you guessed anything but a dead frog, reread the damn title, will ya? So, yes, a beautiful, perfectly preserved, little dried out frog. I took this as a sign that the Universe heard the announcement of my Quest, and was just letting me know that ok, we're up for this one, or somethin. No, Chief Advisor takes it a mile or so further, and speculates that this is a sign that we need to get some live frogs through the front door, or bring some joy back into the present.

Now, this may sound a little freaky, but we actually had about 4 froggies living in the house with us, during summer. Cos, we watch tv with the house lights off, and since we live outside the city, we've got shitloads of bugs, right? Buggies that like the light from the tv, and when they go all trancey and fall down after trying to fly into the screen, the froggies are there, on the floor, in front of the tv, like crocs in a moat. So, they liked our tv, and we liked them eatin bugs. Worked out well.

As they sleep all winter, the frogs have left, but I've been thinking that they'd be back in summer. So, according to CA, we'd better get them to move back in through the front door, eh? Here's to hopin that Joy's gonna start hoppin through the front door pretty soon then.

What I Am (Part 2)

A very serious one, that at the same time makes me strong, and very very weak:

I am Hopeful, something I have regretted more often, than been thankful for. Hope is good, yes, but having your hopes dashed, fucking hurts, even on a good day.

You’d think growing up the way I did, and my life so far would teach me that Hope equals setting yourself up for a swift kick in the backside, but nah ah, I still catch myself looking for that sign that things are not as bad as they seem.

Go figure.

Where I Stand

So, after a weekend of serious introspection, this is what I’ve come up with:
I have been, still am, in hibernation. I decided after a disastrous attempt at love a few years back, that storing myself away, would be safer. So, I put the bits of me that could potentially fall in love, and could potentially be rejected, into orbit. What’s happened in the meantime, is that the rest of me, minus vital emotions, still misses being cared for, so a part of me will always be shining this information into the ether, like some forgotten lighthouse. Which means, that I still attract souls who recognise this, but not consciously so, I think. I get sought out, and people actually care for me in the limited way we choose to (cos let’s face it, someone willing to take this little of me, and be happy with it, cannot have too much to give themselves, can they?) and I try to make it true, which never works out, cos I’m an all or nothing kinda girl.

This latest try followed basically the same principles, cept for the fact that I sought him out, and believe that my looking for him, in the end is what brought us into contact. Unlike the other ‘occurences’ I do not think that this was a hopeless, impossible case. I seriously believe that he came into it with too many reservations, although I don’t blame him, we’ve both been burned pretty badly in the past. I just think that made it kinda lopsided from the start. He was still a helluva lot braver than I am, contacting me after all these years. And, I’m working on accepting that even though I think we could have been something great, he was just not that into me. I’m laying some of this at the door of collected karma, both Sweetie and The Alcoholic were men I had encountered before in this life, so I’m consoling myself that at least some of what’s happened with them, is dealing with karma. Which doesn’t make me any less responsible, mind you. (Thankfully, I can’t think of any other men I might have collected debts with.)

Now, what makes this time different, is that no matter how hard I analyse (and I have, believe me, thought it to death), there is nothing I would have done differently. I went into the situation as myself, and came out of it, as myself. There were no moments I pretended to be other than I am. The person I showed and shared, was the closest to the real me I have ever showed anybody. Which to me is both terrifyingly bad, and something to be happy about. Terrifying because, he rejected me, or the situation, I’m still not truly sure which. And, although I’ll keep waking up to thoughts of him, and what could have been, for a long time to come, I am not broken. The good part in this is that I want to wake up, I want to get whole. And, for the first time I can remember, there is a part of me that knows I am loved, and will be loved. Loved in every sense of the word, like I’ve always dreamed of being loved, and this poor, shameful version I’ve been doling out, will be gone.

Although I still have to figure out exactly how to get myself together, and fix myself and my life, I am content with this start, of at least acknowledging that I cannot continue the way I am, and that I’m looking for avenues to move away from the spot I’ve stood frozen all these years.

Two choices, a) stay here, and give up the rest of me, or b) move, and go looking for what’s waiting. Mmmm, think I’m gonna try for b), this time. Wish me luck.

Help me make it through the night – Gladys Knight

Take the ribbon from my hair, shake it loose, let it fall,
lay it soft upon your skin. Like the shadows on the wall.

Come and lay down by my side, till the early morning light.
All I'm takin is your time. Help me make it through the night.

I don't care what's right or wrong, I won't try to understand.
Let the devil take tomorrow, lord, tonight I need a friend.

Yesterday is dead and gone, and tomorrow's out of sight.
It's so sad to be alone. Help me make it through the night.

I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.

One of the most beautiful ballads ever written, in my opinion. Also, pretty accurate in it's description of how I currently ache.

What I Am

First song of the day, Friday, was: "The River" - Live

"She's sayin: Ooh Baby, can my lovin' ease your pain,
bring your burnin' skin to my river once again
I'll bring you life!"

Beautiful, and really a good message today, feels like the Folk upstairs, might actually be sparing me a few thoughts, which makes me feel less shitty.

Second song: "What I Am"- Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians

“What I am is what I am, are you what you are, or what?”

Mmm, interesting...

So, this is what I'm doing right now, trying to find a few defining words that can help me find the person in here somewhere, without defining myself by the roles I play.

I am:
A Nurturer, making things, animals, people, grow makes me happy;
A dancer, rhythm gets me high;
Loving, albeit cautiously so, recently;
Loyal, you give me respect, I give you unwavering;
A thinker, I don't jump into things head first;
Strong, I'd rather stay alone than engage in meaningless relationships;
Weak, I let people choose me, and try to make it work from that starting point, instead of making the choice with them;
Feminine, all the bravado aside, I want to feel safe, protected, fragile, with the person I feel affection for;
Introspective, I believe that you attract what you project;
Friendly, the saying 'you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar' is one of life's truths;
Instinctual, Fight-or-Flight is always just below the surface;
Slightly off-beat, or, as my baby bro puts it, 'the weird one'

-Can't really think of anything else that is inherently positive, and since I've realised that I tend to define myself by what I'm not, what I can't do, what I don't have, I'm trying to change that. I'll do some thinking, and continue this when I have something meaningful to add. So, this is to be continued, ok?

Oh, and something else .....

I have realised that the last 2 men I was drawn to, and that was drawn (at least partially) to me, were good guys. Now, this is MAJOR! Cos, my life pattern where men are concerned, basically centred around, the more broken you are, the more Sylphi wants to be used by you!

So, here's one in your eye, Bad Bad Patterns! I am actually moving forward, waving at the snails as they race by.... but still .... it's movement! Good, good news. Just thought I'd share with you.

What I was going to blog, and couldn't, and what I am officially blogging

What I wanted, to blog, and couldn't, due to Blogger error:
Looking for Love - or - How to Run into a Brick Wall Repeatedly

(Good contender as title for the 'How To' book I am SO qualified to write, don’t you think?)

Stocktaking after the latest romantic disaster, I realised that my forays into the realm of looking for love reads like a masochists wet dream. No, no, for real. I end up wiping bits of my heart off my own face, like a drunk wiping off vomit, clutch around at the pieces I can actually salvage, thank the person who assisted, and toddle off to go and puzzle it 'together' again. Done with that. No more.

As of yesterday, I have ended that chapter in the misadventures-of-a-closet-masochist-specializing-in-mincing-her-own-heart (me), and buried any dream of finding love. Pissed on the spot, just in case I thought of digging it up again. As an extra precaution, I'm wearing rings on my ring finger, which should zap anyone sniffing in my direction from a ways off, so I don't even have the opportunity to grab the barely-there heart, and shove it at the usually bewildered man with the “I-will-fuck-you-up(even more)-emotionally”-sign flashing on his forehead.

No more dreaming of having someone next to me, no more looking at baby clothes, no more even contemplating someone’s potential, no more no more no more nomorenomorenomore. I just don't think I am physically able to withstand the level of pain I put myself through, and deal with the shit choices I make, and stay sane. I AM DONE.

On the up-side, I have been having actual physical heart cramps for a few days, so maybe (hold thumbs with me, here), that means that I'm nearing the end of this particular life, in which I keep choosing to martyr myself on the altar of the god of Fucking Stupidity or, Love, depending on how you look at it. If I do die, there probably won't be any further blogs, but, I don't think too many people out there is gonna notice, so cheers, have a few sweet moments with your beloved in remembrance, why doncha! Tell them you’re celebrating not being a fucking spastic sense-depraved idiot(me).

It's not like I know what I'm missing anyway.


(PS. I did try to make this humorous, but hear me, this hurts, and I can’t take no mo, I just can’t. Please, please, please this needs to end, I am way past caring how it ends, just make it stop already. I’m beggin, honest to god, I’m beggin.)


And what I'm offically blogging for today:

I'm ok. Funnily enough, I am seriously ok. Last night I realised that I might actually not have had any real feelings for Sweetie after all. It may just have been an ego issue. See, I've always been the one who gets told that I'm driving people nuts, and that I'm wanted, blah blah blah. So, I'm thinking that maybe being the one taken for a test drive, instead of being the tester, threw me. Made me loopy for a while. Isn't that just too shallow for words? I also think that part of the problem is that I consider myself ready for The Relationship, and made so many preparations before Sweetie came along, that I decided beforehand he would be It. Thing is, yes, I do think that we have some kind of link, and yes, I am very drawn to him, but, obviously that's gonna wait for the next lifetime, maybe we'll sort it out then. Or, maybe this was about paying karma, which I've always felt I owe him, for treating him the way I did when I was a angst-ridden teen. I am kinda sad, I mean, rejection is never on one's list of fave things to receive, is it? But if it's an ego-issue, damn! I did not think I could be that shallow - Live and learn, heh? I pray the angels of Love drench him in what he wants, he's too good a catch to not have love. For me, nothing's changed, I'm still the same, doing what I do, feeling what I feel. The world turns once again. Whatever this was, it's over, and that's ok. Really, really ok.

It's Done

Hurts like a motherfucker.

Cold

Ok, First, it was hot. Very hot, too hot. Now, it's so cold, I feel like I have to turn away, and try to keep myself warm somewhere else. And no, I' ain't talkin about the weather. I'm talkin about a situation.

I am trying my best to give this person space, while at the same time keeping my rapidly-approaching insanity, quiet. I am going crazy second-guessing what's going on. How can we go from "Let me know if I'm crowding you?" to not having spoken in a week, plus no answer of sms's. I am stumped. Truly, check mate, mate. I do not have a clue.

If the angels in charge of the situation reads this, I just wanna know, ok? I won't get pissed or anything, I just wanna know. Please, you know, like, PRETTY PLEASE?
'Ta.

Emotional Theme for the past 2 days

Just 3 miles from the Rest Stop
and she slams on the brakes.
She said "I tried to be, but I'm not,
and could you please collect your things.
I don't wanna be cold,
I don't wanna be cruel,
but I gotta find more
than what's happenin with you,
if you'd, open up the door."

She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin, when
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve,
are you listening, can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?"

Just 3 miles from the Rest Stop
and my mouth's too dry to rage
the light was shining from the radio
I could barely see her face.
But she knew all the words that I never had said,
she knew the crumpled-up promise of this
broken down man. And as I opened up the door

She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listenin to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin when,
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve.
Are you listening, can you hear?
Have you forgotten?"

She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listenin to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin when,
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve.
Are you listening, can you hear me?"

Matchbox 20 - Rest Stop

That Sinking Feeling

I have worked very hard, in the last couple of years, on not letting myself sink too deeply into the quicksand of depression when bad stuff happens. And, as a matter of personal pride, I've managed pretty well.

On all subjects except finances, that is. This is the one area that gets me, that pulls and pulls, until I start swallowing sand, stop struggling, and close my eyes. My finances have always been a dire strait. There's never enough, and if I don't get that little bit extra I sometimes get, if we're lucky at work, I don't make it. And, if the little extra stays away for more than 2 months, I'm fucked. Like now. This month I'm stressing about not being able to pay rent, again. And, if I can't pay, and we have to move, mom loses the roof over her head with me. And my son, and our dogs, cats, everything.

I am really bad at financial planning, I know, I also have a bit of a addiction to shopping, which I'm dealing with, but slowly. So, I kinda get myself in spots too tight to move, and being claustrophobic, feeling this restrained makes the panic push up like vomit.

The threat of not being able to pull rabbits out of hats are always present, and it drives me to the darkest of despair. This is the most powerless I ever feel, and there's nothing I hate more than this.

Don't screw with my Filing System!

Ok, here's the thing;I like categorising things, and people, and what they are in relation to me. Eg. Friend, Partner, Family, you get the picture? This way, I know which behaviour is suited to which person - no kissing other than Happy Birthday and special holidays for Friends, no telling embarrassing secrest to Family (it'll reach them via some other source anyway, which is so much MORE FUN!) blah blah blah. Keep 'em seperate, and don't get the lines blurred, s'what I say.

"Till now, this is a theory that has worked out extremely well for me. Not so much anymore. There's this new person, Sweetie/Honey. Now, this is a file I'd like in my filing system for a long, long time, problem is, he's gonna have to have his own category, cos the bugger refuses to stick to my existing system.

Past experience taught me to place files that carry the same potential as his, under the 'Partner', or 'Potential Partner' heading (where they never stayed very long, I have to admit, before being moved to File 13) Only, he doesn't want to go there. According to him, he wants in at the 'Friend' level, which is fine, only, he sure doesn't feel like a 'Friend', and it's confusing the living crap outta me.At one moment, teasing him like only a good friend would, and the next to physically restrain myself from jumping him when he gives me those soulfull looks. Daaaaaaang!

Still, I really, really want to respect what he wants, cos what he wants makes a helluva lotta sense, and I should be able to restrain myself, shouldn't I? If only it wasn't so damn confusing. Think I may need to book an appointment at my optometrist, feel a little cross-eyed from tryin' to read all these mixed signals.