You are cordially invited to a Pity Party

My birthday’s coming up, Goddamnit! I HATE my own birthday, always have, ever since cake frosting lost it’s attraction at 6. Seriously, I would prefer to just skip that day each year, and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Initially I hated it because, for this one day, people, related and not so, who normally walk over me on the sidewalk, without so much as a glance, love me. They talk to me in syrupy, disgusting voices, and pretend like they give a shit. Also, my father calls, imparts what he believes is a ‘life-lesson’ for the next 12 months (in the hopes that his wayward child will see the error of her ways, and turn to him for guidance), in roughly 30 unnerving, unnatural, never-ending, seconds, then hangs up. Oh joy!

As if that isn’t enough reason to hate the day, recently, say the last 5 years or so, my depression’s deepened cos of the unavoidable reflective mood that dawns with the day.
Where did I want to be at this age? With 3 or 4 happy kids, a husband who loves and respects me, financially secure, and doing something I feel passionate about, something that puts me close to the earth, and nature. Where am I at this age? Sad, because my only child is turning 6, a financially struggling, lonely, single mom, doing a job that is about as stimulating as taking a piss, living in a rented house I can’t actually afford, and driving around in a dependable, but ancient, little jalopy. And, for good measure, I can see absolutely no change in any of these factors in my future.

I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!!!!!! I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!!!! I was a young woman, trying to forge a life for herself, why did it all have to get so screwed up? Why am I the lonely one, when so many other people I know, who are always in relationships, cheats, lies, sleeps around, abuses, steals, beats one another? I did none of that. I TRIED, DAMN IT, I TRIED SO HARD. I did nothing to warrant this end-product, except be the only person I can be, myself.

This makes me wanna swear. It makes me VERY ANGRY. It makes me VERY SAD. It makes me wanna SCREAM, loudly, and until I run out of breath. It makes all the muscles in my shoulders and neck turn rock-hard, and painful. It makes me unable to sleep at night. It makes me cry.

SWEET LORD, I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!