I'm not gay, but there was a time.....

Don't go there. No, I am not unsure about my sexual orientation, and no, have never been. But I did love a woman, very deeply, for a very long time. And still do.

My best friend at school, Karla. We met in Primary School, and were inseperable untill our second last year of High School. Now, Karla was everything I wanted to be, and was too afraid to be. She was silly, she was outrageous, she was impulsive, she was ... just so damn ALIVE!

She stole liquor from her dad's bar, she did handstands in the main road, she kissed and fooled around with older guys when I was primly smoothing my school skirt over my knees, and wishing it was me. She was the one and only reason I didn't turn out to be the weird girl sitting alone staring at everybody with that absent expression. She dragged me along to school dances, she taught me to drink, smoke, and flirt. And, I know that's not something I, as parent, should be promoting, but what I'm trying to say is that Karla made me live. She forced me to step out of my little tower, and take risks, and run away laughing.

We spent the day at school together, and after school we'd talk for hours on the phone, we went for Sunday afternoon bike rides to get sweets. We had sleep-overs, we went swimming, we did everything together.

The reason we stopped being best friends, is that I got so damn jealous, she started turning away from me just to hold on to who she was. So, one day, she just didn't turn up at 'our spot' during school break. We never did have a fight about it, but I never really got over that. I still miss her, every day. Even though we studied at the same tech, things were by then, so different, that we rarely had meaningful contact. She left to study something else, got married and moved to the UK. Last time we had contact was when she came here for a visit, she was having a difficult time in her personal life, and I was full of self-righteous shit, so I had AALLL the answers.

There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and so many things I would and wouldn't do. I've tried to find her a few times, but she's disappeared. The one thing that I will always always hug to me, is the unconditional acceptance she gave me, as long as I gave her the chance.

I hope I'll see you again one day, Karla, I really do. I love you, always have, always will. You will always be my bestest friend. The one I could tell secrets to, and know you would never gasp, or tell. You were a part of my life that makes me smile, and for that, I am thankfull, and send out all the love I can, and hope that you're still around, so that a small part of it, can find you. And give you the hug my heart holds.