I need to explain something

To my mom. Who's worried that I've never been completely myself with her. Pshaw!

Here goes: true, I haven't. But that's not because I feel I need to hide my true self from her. It's like this; when you go to a movie, you don't put on your whole wardrobe, do ya? Or, when you go for an interview, you have a certain dress code to work on, don't ya? So, the way I see it, we're all very complex creatures, with layers, and pages, and definitions and shit. So why would I be the loud, giggling, childlike, exhausting creature I turn into on a really fun night out, when with my mom? Same reason, I would probably not be the quiet, sombre, deep, spiritually-inclined person I tend to be when my mom's around. Different bits of me, work with different people and situations. And to me, that does not compute to me hiding myself from people, it's more, me adjusting my behaviour to what I think they'd feel most comfortable with. Lots of people around me would be SO not-comfortable if I suddenly started telling them about my belief system, I'd even go as far as saying they'd be shocked, and some may even decide not to know me anymore. Or, wondering if they ever did. Sad, but true. But, since I don't really feel close enough to them, to want to share my inner beliefs with them, I simply don't. While, on the other side of the coin, I have no problem sharing my beliefs with my mom, cos she matters on a deeper level.

One worrying thing that did come out of this, it started me worrying about whether there's ever been anybody I've shown it all to? Exposed myself to, so to speak. I have tried, usually with whatever man I've been in a relationship with (last disaster excluded, he was hammered down to a certain profile from Day 1), but, I've always had to gear it down after a while. All of me, is apparently just too much to deal with, and I have to admit, fear plays a huge role in this. So, if I felt like some part of me wasn't being accepted, I'd replace it with the acceptable bits. Easy. I ain't gonna show you shit if I don't feel safe with you.

People I feel totally safe with?

Haven't met them yet. Yet another sad fact I gotta deal with. Thanks, Ma.