Now I know, someone classified as "highly gifted" by the IQ obsessed school system of the 80's, should not have taken this long to grasp the concept. And I have no defense, save to say, there's none so blind as those who will not see.
You see, acknowledging that ignoring something does not mean you accepted it, would open up a barrel of worms for me. And lately, I've been dealing with all kinds of other shallow shit. So, digging deeper into the scary recesses of my psyche, was just not a priority.
So why now? Cos, apparently, it's time. As a willing reader and believer of 'signs', obvious and not-so-obvious, I feel like I'm being nudged gently into a certain direction, and digging in my heels is just getting too much of an effort.
Case in point: I just got up to go to the bathroom, and found the second heart-shaped pendant in 2 days. Just lying there, outside the door, waiting for me. First one was at home, where it should not have been.
The message I'm supposed to be trying to get through to my nether recesses, is, I think, that in order to have love, you have to believe in love. Like fairies, you have to believe in them to see them. Thing is, there's a difference between saying "I do believe in Fairies" and saying "I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES". And for a long long time now, I've been believing in love in lower case, and I'm just not sure I can believe in upper case anymore. I've been working so hard so strip my life down to the stuff and the people that actually add value, that I'm afraid my belief in romantic love has gone the way of the Dodo.
What's pretty ironic, is that ever since I've been able to identify the emotion pain, I've been working on being able to shield myself from it. And now, when even the loss of friends barely cause a ripple in the pond, I find that being numb has it's disadvantages. Only I'm not sure whether the advantages of this numbness don't still outweight the disadvantages, and whether it's worth trying to reverse the process, and being vulnerale to life's knocks again.
The way I see it, there're 2 choices:
Either open myself up to real emotion again;
or, accept that I will only have love in lower case, and forget about the grand kind of LOVE.
Either way, I gotta stop pretending not to notice the currents sweeping along above me, and decide whether I'm gonna swim again, or pile more rocks on top of me, to stay under.
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I made up my mind to start this blog, as a final resort against total insanity. I figure maybe, if I actually keep note of everything inside, it might make more sense, or even better - disappear into the e-world, never to be heard of - or felt - again. So that's what this is, my attempt at sanity.
About Me
- Sylphi
- Tough one, I think I'd rather quote a few comments made by family & friends about me. "Mad as a hatter", "hippie", "sin on legs", "should be kept behind a harem wall", "don't know wether I want to strangle you with a rope, or tie you to my bed with it", "too smart for your own good", "when you're happy you shine", "kruidjie-roer-my-nie" (which is a kind of herb that grows in arid places, when you touch it, the leaves close like the petals of a flower),"my angel" The list is endless, and very confusing, make up your own mind.