Update

Kay, he gave me a happy birthday kiss, had coffee and sour tart (no time now), brought me two bunches of the most gorgeous white lilies, and left. Not in the abovmentioned order. Did say we should do something this weekend, and yes, I said yes, (see "Then my brain flew away" blog below). So, we'll see what happens, shall we? I am cautiously optimistic.

And down it came to earth, and plonked into a puddle......

My brain, that is.

I don't understand. Here's the situation, went on an (unofficial) actual date. (Queue uproarious applause, me taking a bow). Had a very nice time, even though I was about as comfortable as a bunny in a blender (he on the other hand, had a ball, surrounded by his bestest buddies for support). I felt a definite vibe, and, for once in my life, actually put in an effort to make a guy feel that I'm comfortable with him, which I was, the brief times we were alone. He brought us (my son went with) home, and even had coffee with my mom and brother. Brave boy!

That was Sunday, we've chatted on the phone, and sent text messages to and fro, but I get the disctinct impression he doesn't want to be alone with me, when I mention doing something. Now, as I reason (and yes, my reasoning is usually a little off centre, but anyway)this could be due to 2 reasons. a)he seriously only wants to expand his social circle, or b) he's scared to be alone with me. Now, logic (again, I know, mine's a little skew) tells me if you take into account the vibes (and no, I don't think I'm so far off centre that they were my imagination) I'm going with option b). Which is where it gets muddy. And I'm too chicken to ask him. So, now I'm clueless. Even if the answer is option a), I still don't get how surrounding me with a bunch of hostiles is gonna get us anywhere near a solid friendship. EGAD! The politics of relationships have just always been a mystery to me! Aren't I (as the female) supposed to be cast in the mysterious, unsolvable role?

This morning, I sent him a message asking who I should bribe to get to see him again. See that? The cleverness of me? I'm asking him something I seriously wanna know, whilst deviously (and absolutely brilliantly, I might add) disguising it in a humourous cloak. Damn, sometimes I amaze myself. Now, I just have to scrape up the courage to cope with an answer, when I get one.

Will keep updated. (S'like a soapie, innit?)

And then my Brain just flew away .......

I have trouble holding the gaze, cos it feels like it goes deeper than is confortable. Like it sees more than I'm willing to show. It makes me shy. It makes me wanna cuddle up to him, and hide my face against his neck. It makes me forget what he was asking, and I nod, or say yes, even though what I'm agreeing to, is a complete blank. Like, for moment, my mind slips, and the rational me just flits away, chittering happily.

I am in such deep shit.

You are cordially invited to a Pity Party

My birthday’s coming up, Goddamnit! I HATE my own birthday, always have, ever since cake frosting lost it’s attraction at 6. Seriously, I would prefer to just skip that day each year, and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Initially I hated it because, for this one day, people, related and not so, who normally walk over me on the sidewalk, without so much as a glance, love me. They talk to me in syrupy, disgusting voices, and pretend like they give a shit. Also, my father calls, imparts what he believes is a ‘life-lesson’ for the next 12 months (in the hopes that his wayward child will see the error of her ways, and turn to him for guidance), in roughly 30 unnerving, unnatural, never-ending, seconds, then hangs up. Oh joy!

As if that isn’t enough reason to hate the day, recently, say the last 5 years or so, my depression’s deepened cos of the unavoidable reflective mood that dawns with the day.
Where did I want to be at this age? With 3 or 4 happy kids, a husband who loves and respects me, financially secure, and doing something I feel passionate about, something that puts me close to the earth, and nature. Where am I at this age? Sad, because my only child is turning 6, a financially struggling, lonely, single mom, doing a job that is about as stimulating as taking a piss, living in a rented house I can’t actually afford, and driving around in a dependable, but ancient, little jalopy. And, for good measure, I can see absolutely no change in any of these factors in my future.

I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!!!!!! I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!!!! I was a young woman, trying to forge a life for herself, why did it all have to get so screwed up? Why am I the lonely one, when so many other people I know, who are always in relationships, cheats, lies, sleeps around, abuses, steals, beats one another? I did none of that. I TRIED, DAMN IT, I TRIED SO HARD. I did nothing to warrant this end-product, except be the only person I can be, myself.

This makes me wanna swear. It makes me VERY ANGRY. It makes me VERY SAD. It makes me wanna SCREAM, loudly, and until I run out of breath. It makes all the muscles in my shoulders and neck turn rock-hard, and painful. It makes me unable to sleep at night. It makes me cry.

SWEET LORD, I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

Last Friday's Blog that wouldn't publish

Since yesterday, I have been tearing up continually. Getting dressed, driving to work, waiting at traffic lights, reading e-mails, sending e-mails, chatting to random people on the phone, preparing dinner, watching tv, taking a bath. I find myself fluttering my eyelids trying to not let the fluid accumulate enough to actually form a drop.

No reason, no strange, sad happenings. Just wanna cry, and cry, and cry, and sob. I sure hope I don’t meet up with someone like TC before this feelings dies down, I might just jump in his arms, and express my unexplained grief on his work shirt. Not good.

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Universal Deals!

Deal: If a certain man doesn't contact me, wholly on his own initiative, to ask me out before the end of June, I will take that as a FINAL sign that I should stay out of his life, regardless of any confusing signs he throws my way.

Reason behind deal: I am obsessing about a man I shouldn't be. He is paying attention to me, which he shouldn't be, and he's getting me depressed and wanting, which I shouldn't be.


I sure as hell hope that he does ask me out, but odds are, he won't. I know, I know, I should stay positive, which for me, is equal to asking a sea turtle to meet you on top of Kilimanjaro. Possible, but soooo not probable.
Jeeesh! I'm getting fed-up with myself! Somebody should just take me outside and shoot me already!

THAT question again.

Sylvia: “Will you ever get married again?”

Sylphi: (Casting panickey glances around for the nearest exit) “Uh….. I don’t know….. mmmm….. it would have to be vlmkvhlhblgflf” (tapering off into indecipherable mumbling)

Sylvia: “Why? Was it really so bad?”

Sylphi: (Having trouble swallowing) “God yes!”

Sylvia: “There has to someone out there you’d be interested in!?”

Sylphi: (Pulls lips into smile, hoping it doesn’t look like a death grin too much)”Sure… probably… maybe not so much…. I’m not so sure….. Maybe one day, we’ll see.” (Cough! Pant!)

Sylvia seems satisfied.

Sylphi: (Wipes sweaty palms on pants, turns around and mumbles to self): “Fuck that, rather chew off my own paw!”

Grin turns into smile, chuckles to self. Exit left.