Nothing

Nothing left. Of me, or for me.

My Life Is Complicated

An idiot I used to know told me this once, as an excuse not to have to deal with me. (On an aside, I find it interesting how I struggle to chug along my pleasantly neutral lines these days, I used to be able to call ANYONE “nice”.)

Aaaaanyway, initially, it really pissed me off that he would use such a flimsy excuse. Then, I thought about the remark, and came to the conclusion that, although he used it as a really bad reason to avoid being honest with me, he was actually right, in a round-about kinda way.

I’ve even been able to discern certain reasons as to why someone else might perceive this to be accurate, which I will now proceed to list (in no particular order):

• I am a single mom, and place my son’s welfare above everything else;
• We share a house with my mom, who is unable to afford living alone, so should I find alternate accommodation, she’s basically homeless;
• I expect to be treated as an equal, and not a ‘helpless’ woman;
• We collectively have 6 dogs, 1 cat, 2 rats, and around 5 fish (last count);
• I lug a huge amount of emotional baggage around with me, especially about men;
• My religious views are not exactly ‘mainstream’;
• I shun most traditional views and rituals;
• I know what I don’t want, as opposed to what I want;
• As the years trot by, I become more and more crusty and full of shit;
• I’m not easily intimidated;
• I want more kids;
• The one (kid) I have has ADHD, and has to follow a special eating plan, together with being ‘brushed’ (yes, like grooming a puppy) every day. The ADHD makes him really, really, active, and really, really, demanding when it comes to attention.


Now, I can certainly see how that might make me ‘complicated’ in people’s eyes, don’t you? (Yeah, took me a while, too, but hey, different strokes, and all that). So, more reasons I guess, proving why I’m better off alone.

Now, if only I could convince my heart of that, we’ll be a little less miserable (I’m just guessing at this stage).

I am not coping. This is fact.

My daily programme looks as follows:

06:00 Wake up, damn myself for being alive, get up
06:10 Force / shout my 6-year old out of bed.
06:11 Try to get him to decide what to have for breakfast
06:15 Force my son to decide what to have for breakfast
06:18 See that he eats
06:20 Start ironing his school clothes
06:22 Take his clothes to where he’s laying on the couch, ask him to get dressed
06:26 Get dressed myself
06:30 Threaten him to get him to dress
06:33 Ask him to jump on his trampoline (therapist recommended this for better concentration at school)
06:35 Shout at him to come brush his teeth, brush own teeth
06:38 Force him to brush his teeth
06:40 Try to get everybody out of the house, after putting his lunch in his bag, and grabbing something like an apple for myself.
06:45 See what a mess I am, in the car’s rear-view mirror.
07:15 Drop him off at school
07:25 Arrive at work
Work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work
12:00 Use lunch time to pick up groceries for the house and dinner, reading label after label to ensure Misha is allowed to have it.
Work work work work work work work work work work work work work work work
16:00 Leave desk to walk the 2km’s to TAFKA Chief Advisor’s office, with my arms full of bags
16:15 Arrive, take a brief break to read the local paper
16:30 Leave with TAFKACA
16:40 Pick Misha up from school
17:00 Arrive home
17:10 Settle Misha to watch an hour of cartoons
17:15 Start dinner
18:00 Serve dinner, and actually sit down to eat my own dinner.
18:30 Try to get Misha to do homework.
18:40 Force Misha to do homework
19:10 Comfort my crying son, who gets so frustrated with homework that he cries every night
19:12 Leave his room so he won’t see me cry because I am so freaked out by how much he struggles
19:20 Sit down to watch a programme, while “brushing” him (another technique recommended by therapist)
19:30 Serve dessert, and get him something to drink, make myself coffee
20:30 Brush Misha’s teeth
20:35 Tuck Misha in
20:40 Pack Misha’s lunch for tomorrow
21:00 Sit in front of the tv, mind churning, trying to swallow down the panic
21:25 Feed the elderly dog who sleeps inside
21:30 Take a bath
22:00 Prepare the perculator for tomorrow morning
22:15 Brush my teeth
22:30 Lie in bed, trying to calm down and sleep
22:45 Feel the tiredness seep through my being, wish I was dead.
23:00 Decide it’s useless to cry, since it only makes my eyes puffy, and doesn’t change anything. Wish I don’t wake up tomorrow morning.

The End (I wish)

Rinse, Repeat.

Mythbustin' 101

You know what I find fascinating? How certain things are sooooo obvious once you actually think about them, sooooo easy to classify and file away.

I’ve (for the last 2 years or so) systematically been assigning friendships to the past. And no, I don’t mean “losing” friends, I mean ending friendships. Not in a “Fuck you!”, “No, fuck you!” kind of way, but in a quiet, I’m-just-not-available anymore, kinda way. Initially, I assigned this to the delightful series of endings I’ve been having, but yesterday it dawned on me, that, in all (and I mean ALL) my friendships, I’ve been the one doing the supporting, the encouraging, the comforting. My very first friendship, that lasted all of 10 years, was like that, and each and every one inbetween then and now. Now, I am of the opinion, that that’s not what a friendship is supposed to be.

This does seem to be the main theme currently featuring in my life, doesn’t it? This pattern of, in effect, begging people to use me.

Do I miss my friendships? You know, in a certain distant, dispassionate way, I realise that being this isolated cannot be healthy…. But at the same time, the being-taken-for-granted, and the disregard for my feelings, no, I don’t miss that. I do miss the people, the souls, I guess. But, hopefully I’m breaking a vicious circle that was starting to get very self-destructive, and that can only be a good thing.

Like I said previously, I just hope that there’s a healthier beginning at the end of this, and not just another sheer drop to nothing.

One more myth busted, I can survive without being used as a human tissue. Live and learn baby, live and learn.

Enough With The Endings Already!!

According to Numerology (and yes, I do believe in that crap!), 2008 is both year of endings, and one of new beginnings for me. I am at the end of a 9 year cycle, and supposedly embarking on the next 9 year cycle.

Now, according to various different sources (astrology, my heart etc etc), I’m hoping to start a brand new day, and phase of my life, one that will be a little brighter, one that would allow me a little happiness, this time around. Cos, let’s be frank, the previous 9 years, sucked Donkey Dick. And I mean BIG TIME!

So far, the endings are coming fast and furious, but there ain’t no joyous sunrises, sista. Sooooo many endings, sooooo many dreams that just ….deflated, and ….ended.
They've just gone, with nothing positive to replace them. Just me, stuck with these huge gaps, like a building that’s had parts of it blown off, so you can see living rooms, and staircases that just stops, mid-air.

Its gotten so bad, I’ve taken to wondering why I even bother eating healthy, why I don’t drink, why I don’t pop a pill every day. I mean, if this is it, then what the fuck is the use?

So, I am officially requesting an ending to the endings. Or alternatively, an actual happy new beginning, for once. Jaybus C Hrist, for ONCE, just frigging ONCE! Just. Once.

Gripe d'jour

Have you ever noticed that some people get away with sliding their responsibilities off on someone else’s shoulders, their whole lives? They always manage to draw someone in, willing to carry the burden for them.

I used to be that ass, the one with the bent shoulders, for my ex. Now, he has someone else. Which I don’t get. I mean, how? How do you bluff your way through life, how do you pretend to a grown-up, and get away with it? I know, this is not supposed to matter to me, but, when he tries to make me communicate any of my son’s needs to his new ass (as in donkey, beast of burden), I get SO pissed off. The way I see it, he is the one with the responsibility toward his son, which is why he’s the one I talk to. If he, once he knows what’s going on, chooses to pass it on, and she’s willing to take it, then so be it, right? But I sure as hell ain’t making my arrangements via a third person. This way, although he still shrugs it off, and tells me he forgot, at least I have the knowledge that I did my bit. Which, in absolutely no way, makes up for the fact that he shirks every responsibility he has, but at least he knows that I know.

One thing I don’t deal with well at all, though, is the fact that we work SO hard when my son is with me, to build up his confidence, to work on his concentration, to eat right, to take the supplements. And then, he spends a weekend with his father, and everything is undone. And it takes 2 weeks to get him back on track, then he spends a weekend with his father, and it all starts again. This eternal circle from hell, for the rest of my adult life.

So, I guess what I’m griping about here, is that people who just refuse to shoulder any responsibility, always get away with it, cos they surround themselves with “enablers”, and that pisses me off. 100% of the time, they don’t even register the fact that their ‘slapgatgeit’ (lame-assedness) ripple through so many other lives, too. Lives that did not ask for it, and that do not volunteer to carry others’ burdens, too. Like my son, who didn’t ask for any of this.

Significant Endings

So, yesterday I did something with a lot of significance, for me.

I undid something that was done in 2005, as a final gesture of closure. Now, I realise that I’m being pretty cryptic, but since there are people I’m keeping out of the loop, this is as specific as I’m willing to get. I have been wanting to do this for a very long time, and for different reasons. First, it was to be a gesture of Hope. Then, it became a means of ending Hope, of drawing the line under Hope, and saying: “Ok, it’s done now. These are the final figures.”

So, yesterday was sad for me.

Strangely though, today I feel relieved. Not carrying all that hopeless Hope around with me, is good.