Maternal Instinct & Mourning

You know, some women say they don’t feel it at all. Which I find totally incomprehensible. I get that you might not want babies at a certain stage of your life, but I sped past there at 13, if I remember correctly.

One of my earliest happy memories, is that of carrying a Daschund around on my hip like a child. Her name was Cupid, and she was my baby. So much so, that she actually waited for me to pick her up whenever she saw me. My point is that I have an excess of the ‘mothering gene’. But, it’s limited to small babies, and animals. Kids above say, 2, I have no desire to squirrel away, and raise as my own. Under that, I have to actually restrain myself, or I might try to grab and run away with said child. Mmmmm, seeing that in print, makes it look a little nutty, eh?

When I decided to embrace my motherly instincts, I decided that I would like to have 3-4 kids, ‘when I was grown up’. But, I also decided that I would wait until I reached a ‘proper age’, and 28 seemed adult enough. So, I waited until the year I turned 28, and, despite being in a bad marriage, that had spiralled waaaay past “too late”, I got pregnant, and had my son.

A decision I have never regretted. Even though there are days that I feel hopelessly unable to cope. Something I do regret though, is waiting so long. Looking back, if I had consented to start a family sooner, I might have had at least 2 babies to mother, and not have felt the loss of every potential baby, on a monthly basis, as a horrible, tearful mistake. I cry every month, for the babies I feel I should have had.

My son’s very obvious loneliness, makes this worse. I know, there are other options, and having more children is not impossible, even though I haven’t been in what could be termed a ‘stable relationship’ in almost 7 years. Thing is, I simply cannot afford it. I have no medical plan/aid, and can’t afford one. And even if I did turn moronic, and got pregnant despite not being able to afford giving birth, there are no males anywhere in my current world, I would be interested in having as a father for a child of mine.

All the logic aside, I ache for a baby, I see my son in his school uniform, and feel like I would stop time if I had the means. I adore him, but I want my baby back. I want to scream, and beat against windows, and fall to my knees keening and heaping ash on my head. I want to mourn. Mourn in a uncomfortable, ugly way, for the babies I never had.