The Empty I

I have known for years that I base my self-worth on whether I am needed. Probably a side-effect from having to care for a disabled brother from the age of 4, and then adding a baby brother to that, after 11 years. Even my older sister conveniently shifted responsibility for a few years. Then, caring for my mother after her divorce, then my ex husband, then my son. There has always been someone I had to hold together, which, in turn, taught me to hold it together, no matter what.

Now, for the first time in my life, after 34 years, I have no one who needs me.

I have no words to express how this has affected me. Not only has my whole tower collapsed, but I feel empty, hollow, and dead inside. No purpose, no-one to turn to. Being the one who carries others has been 'my thing'. I was good at it. I know how to love, I know how to be the strong one. Now, I feel useless, lost, like I no longer have the right to breathe, take up space, like the resources I still use to stay alive, should go to someone who actually contributes something, not to me.

What's left inside to make me mean something? Haven't found anything, yet. I have questioned my waking up every morning to the Ones Upstairs, but I still wake up every morning, so, apparently I still have to be here. I just don't know why.

Feels like I've finished everything I should have for now, and there's no reason for me anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired and confused. The Empty I is all that is, and it has no right to be.