Yay!

Whoohoo! My CV has just been sent to far and distant shores! I am very excited. First concrete step on a new road. Wish me luck!!!!!!

Sickening, I know .......

Sometimes, I even make myself nauseous with the whole "putting a positive spin on things". But, lo and behold, it's happened again!

Once again, survival (or maybe the part that's from Planet Whack) has kicked in, and this is what's been happening after the whole ‘son-going-to-live-with-fother’ ordeal - Still have that empty feeling, but it's actually not that bad, once you get used to not having a set of directions to work with. As a matter of fact, it's kinda exhilarating. I feel like a kid. I feel lighter than I remember feeling for years. I laugh, I smile, I tease (no, not THAT kind of teasing, you idjut, the innocent type!)

I actually smiled at 2 strange men without having a valid reason to. S’true! I do not do that! Ever! Too worried that it might be misconstrued. I actually look at men, without being worried there might be consequences. Which may sounds just a tad paranoid, but hey, some guys think a smile is an invite to bend you over a table, you know!

Might’ve mentioned this before, but I am totally off the wall crazy unreasonable when it comes to men, and I think that a big part of that, comes from having to be responsible for both myself, and my son, so any man that features in my life, has to be suitable for him, too. And, when it comes to my son’s happiness, nobody’s good enough. So, having the opportunity to contemplate spending time with someone because I want to, is a great treat. Even though I have no reason to be happy about this yet, I’m savouring the thought like home-made sticky caramel ice cream.

Amazingly, I am no longer afraid of the possibility of spending time with someone. And I can’t quite remember why I was so scared in the first place. Same goes for being alone. Peace has arrived in the midst of the emptiness, and I like it.

The Empty I

I have known for years that I base my self-worth on whether I am needed. Probably a side-effect from having to care for a disabled brother from the age of 4, and then adding a baby brother to that, after 11 years. Even my older sister conveniently shifted responsibility for a few years. Then, caring for my mother after her divorce, then my ex husband, then my son. There has always been someone I had to hold together, which, in turn, taught me to hold it together, no matter what.

Now, for the first time in my life, after 34 years, I have no one who needs me.

I have no words to express how this has affected me. Not only has my whole tower collapsed, but I feel empty, hollow, and dead inside. No purpose, no-one to turn to. Being the one who carries others has been 'my thing'. I was good at it. I know how to love, I know how to be the strong one. Now, I feel useless, lost, like I no longer have the right to breathe, take up space, like the resources I still use to stay alive, should go to someone who actually contributes something, not to me.

What's left inside to make me mean something? Haven't found anything, yet. I have questioned my waking up every morning to the Ones Upstairs, but I still wake up every morning, so, apparently I still have to be here. I just don't know why.

Feels like I've finished everything I should have for now, and there's no reason for me anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm tired and confused. The Empty I is all that is, and it has no right to be.

Canonball - Damien Rice

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a Cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a Cannonball

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach ne to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know.....

Hey, check it out you Guys! I’m on a roll!!

I am having the most amazing run of tragedy. I’m telling you, this has to be a new record, even for me! In the past 3 weeks:

1)My finances suck donkey ear (longer than 3 weeks, but let’s move along swiftly).
2)My lovelife has been buried.
3)My fridge caught fridge flu, died, can’t be fixed (see 1).
4)My car got broken into (fourth time in 2 years), lock broken, can’t be fixed (see 1).
5)My one and only pair of decent shades, now shield the eyes of a “less fortunate” criminal.

And, tah-dah –

6)The clincher of the decade: My baby, the reason I breathe, has been convinced (by his ***** of a father) that he wants to go live with them. Not exactly a monumental feat when you have to convince a 6-year old!

And, guess what, The Fother and wife #2, have made this ‘deal’ with my Baby, without ANY discussions between us ‘responsible’ adults. How brilliant is that?

I won’t stop him, I adore my son, and I realise that he needs his father too, but my mind refuses to go to a place where he is not with me every day, so I’m not thinking about that, I’m convinced my chest will immediately seize allowing air in and out of it, if I did. BUT, and this is one HUGE BUT. He has ADHD, (like the Fother) and consequently, in my house, we kinda work with that as starting point. No white bread, no carbonised cold drinks, lots of fruit and veggies, if he has to have sweets, no red colouring, or sweets with less sugar than most, jellies ets. He takes a supplement that has had good results in kids with ADHD. Take-aways only on special occasions. Milk from growth-hormone free cows. I try to keep him away from the tv as much as possible, we read together, we buy kids mags to stimulate his mind. Have him run around outside so he actually sleeps. Very little red meat, rather fish & chicken. Stuff like that.

The Fother (although I have had numerous discussions wit him about this), feeds him processed meats, ONLY white bread, ONLY red meat, for school lunches he gets a store bought meat pie, if he’s lucky. He has chips, cold drinks and watches DVD’s until he worries about getting square eyes (which is what happens when you watch too much tv, in case you didn’t know). Their teenage daughter tells him monster stories, and about sex. They teach him (OMG I HATE this) “BOYS DON’T CRY”, and that he needs to be a clown to get attention, cause the Fother cannot concentrate on his son for anything longer than 5 minutes at a time. Drinking is ‘normal’ in the house, and their social circle.

You know what? I am amazed that I am still able to use my brain in a rational manner, I am exhausted. Feels like I’m on a hitlist, and I’m just postponing the inevitable by trying to breathe. I am tired of keeping heartbreak at bay. Tired. Bring it on already, get it over with. The sooner I break, the sooner I get to see what’s left.

Open Letter to the Honey

Ok, Sweetie, I know, I’m slow sometimes. And, I told you that I can be a total airhead sometimes. But, the penny’s finally dropped.

You used me. And, I was amazed, seriously. I think this caught me off-guard so much because I have always thought of you as someone who would make the choice not to, if given the chance. Now, I am not laying even close to all the blame at your feet, I am the one who started this, and I am the one who basically begged you, to do with me as you wish. I gave you my trust right from the start, without even considering the fact that you might not be the knight I made you out to be.

The thing I’m not sure of is this: Was I a way to make her jealous? Was I a little entertainment while you waited for her to come crawling back? Or was I just a diversion from your usual routine? I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

And, one thing I wanted to let you know: when I offered you my friendship, and you let me know that you were now in a relationship that’s exclusive, and friendship wouldn’t “be possible”, I was actually offering you my friendship, not a constant supply of blow jobs on the side. Like, MY idea of friendship, not yours, which is a little screwey. You might need to get over yourself a little there.

So, to sum up, I’m wrapping this up as a one-night stand with a few very nice dinners, and quiet evenings with pleasant company. Another lesson learned, I suppose. Please understand that I am not angry at you, this was more my responsibility than it was ever yours. It’s just that losing someone off my ‘beautiful people list’ comes as a bit of a shock to the system. And, you took that tumble. Maybe after all these years, it was time.

I am taking my lesson like a good girl, stop putting people on pedestals, and conjuring characteristics out of thin air. We are all, in the end, beautiful, but our choices may not always be. I’m happy for you, and I hope that your exclusive relationship is exactly what you asked for. Which is what we get anyway, exactly what we ask for, I asked for you, and that’s what I got. The real you, not the one in my mind. And you are truly beautiful Sweets, beautiful and human, just like me.

I wish you love and happiness.

Sylphi

PS. Reading this, it sounds like I'm bitter, I know. I'm not, I swear. You surprised me, and showed me a lot of things I needed to be reminded of. You shook me out of my hibernation. Which I appreciate more than you'll ever know. This was a good thing. Surprising, but good.

Feck you, & feck you, & you, & you, oh & you too ..........

You know, I think the Blogger fairies really like feckin with me. That, or I have some very determined and technologically influential angels. Cos, whenever I want to blog something negative, and emotional, it gets eaten by the Blog Monster. And, I’m only allowed to publish a blog once I’ve somehow turned a negative into a positive.

(Be warned: This is where it takes a dive down to Hades)

Which is kinda making it hard to get any blogs published this week. And I know, this is a good thing, and I need to ‘transform’ the agonising, mind-numbing pain into a nice, neat, “This is why I am now a better person” essay. Only you know what, even typing that sentence pisses me off so badly, I feel like smashing my (the boss’) keyboard down on my hand repeatedly, then kicking in my solid wooden desk, or break my foot, which I’d say is a more viable option, before taking a flying leap out the second floor window across the hall. Don’t worry, it’s not that high, it probably won’t be suicide, just mangling myself enough to take the edge off. That will, or running into the parking garage face brick wall repeatedly will, after I regain consciousness.

I am angry, and sad, and I feel as if I’ve lost the only man I’ve ever really felt I could have the relationship I want, with. That, plus the fact that I STILL don’t really know WHY, PISSES ME OFFFFFFFF! I MEAN, USUALLY MY INSTINCTS ARE PRETTY SHARP, BUT WITH HONEY, NOTHIN’! I ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE GAVE A FLYIN FECK. HE WAS THAT GOOD. AND YES, I AM SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, spiritually speaking, (and you just know this is gonna be as insubstantial as g0d-damned trying to eat mist) if we are not together, it means that we’re not supposed to be together, and FECK how I feel about it. I should LET IT GO, and MOVE ON. LET THE UNIVERSE TAKE CARE OF IT. ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS, AND SET THEM FREEEEE…… Even Baby Bro (the ever-practical, correctly-wired, and well-earthed one in the family) feels that “all these disappointments are only leading up to the Perfect ONE”. Ja, and feck you too, Bro. We’ll discuss this again when you’re my age, and you’ve had a few more ‘disappointments’ pound out their fave songs on your heart with a meat cleaver. I mean, I adore you all, I do. But Jesus H Chris, this is NOT WHAT I WANT, and THAT should count for something. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE IT’LL BE MORE MERCIFUL TO RIP MY OWN HEART OUT, AND OFFER IT TO THAT LIZARDY AZTECH GOD-THING QUETZL-SOMETHING. I DON’T WANT TO CONTINUALLY SWALLOW BACK TEARS AND SNOT BECAUSE I’M SAD, AND I SHOULDN'T BE!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANT TO SPEND MY DAYS AND NIGHTS WANTING SOMEONE THAT I CAN’T HAVE. ………….. AG WHATEVER, this is pointless.

And if this motherfecker don’t publish………………..

Oscar in Trash Can Land

When I was small, forever and ever ago, I used to watch a program on SA’s then (and now) very limited broadcasting system, called “Oscar in Asblikland”. Oscar was a hand puppet more or less resembling a very spastic bunny, who inhabited Asblikland, or Trash Can Land. Now Oscar was a very sweet, if a little airheaded bunny, very content in Trash Can Land, 'cept for the times his arch nemesis, Knersus, tried to eat him. Knersus was a Pteradactyl (or whatever the most recent archeological name is for a flying dinosaur) with dentures. He had about 5 or more pairs of dentures, and these he used to keep hanging on a clothes line. Freaky thing is, the sets of teeth would chat to each other in different voices, mostly about the next plot to masticate Oscar.

Now, I can’t exactly recall how old I was, but it was probably around 7 or so, and believe you me, NUFFING in my life has ever freaked me out as badly as those teeth, and Knersus, staggering around kinda drunkenly, shouting "Waar's daai Hasie?!" ("Where's that bunny?!") . I very vividly remember hiding behind the nearest couch, or getting that ass-tingling feeling you get when you are hauling it as fast as you can, with your older sister on your tail intent on pounding you to a pulp. Knersus freaked me out, and I’m willing to lay down good money, if I ever saw that program again, I’d end up with my ass sticking out from behind the nearest solid object. Some things just scar a kid for life, like talking dino-dentures on a clothes line. Man!

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

When are you gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on the farm
I should have listened to my old man

You know you can't hold me forever
I didn't sign up with you
I'm not a present for your friends to open
This boy's too young to be singing the blues

So goodbye yellow brick road
Where the dogs of society howl
You can't plant me in your penthouse
I'm going back to my plough

Back to the howling old owl in the woods
Hunting the horny back toad
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Beyond the yellow brick road

What do you think you'll do then
I bet that'll shoot down your plane
It'll take you a couple of vodka and tonics
To set you on your feet again

Maybe you'll get a replacement
There's plenty like me to be found
Mongrels who ain't got a penny
Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground

Elton John

Asked for a song for the day, this is what I got. Not so sure myself, actually! But interesting, no?