Have you ever .....

..... wanted a kiss so badly you shivered when thinking of it, and it raised goose bumps on your arms?

Beautiful Song

I'm really close tonight
and I'm feelin' like I'm moving inside her.
Lyin' in the dark
I think that I'm beginning to know her
Let it go,
I'll be there when you fall

And whenever I fall, at your feet
you let your tears rain down on me
whenever I touch your slow turnin' pain.

You're hidin from me now
there's something in the way that you're talking;
words don't sound right
but I hear them all, moving inside you - go
I'll be waiting when you call.

And whenever I fall at your feet
you let your tears rain down on me
whenever I touch your slow turnin pain.

The finger of blame has turned upon itself
and I'm more than willing to offer myself!
Do you want my presence or need my help,
who knows where that might lead,
I fall!

Whenever I fall at your feet
would you let your tears rain down on me;
whenever I fall .... ever I fall .....

Dissecting Dreams

I am looking for wine with two other people. It seems like somewhere in Europe, but I don't know where, since I've never been. We go from home to home, knowing that these folk make their own wine, but every winemaker tells us, it's all sold. Finally we arrive at a house with a cirular cement 'tank' buried in the back garden, the wine maker tell us, 'yes, there's a little left, go scoop it out of the tank'. We arrive at the tank, and remove the lid, in the very bottom is a few litres of white (not red) wine. But, there are also little lizard bodies floating in the wine. What upsets me is that they are all albino white, the wine's acidity has burned off their skins. Suddenly, I notice that 2 of the horrible little ghost lizards are still alive. I fish them out, but when I want to put them in the garden, I hesitate because I'm worried that the sun will burn their little skinless bodies. - Dream Ends -

Obviously, I'm trying to find something, I think within myself. The shape of the tank and the fact that it's fluid I'm looking for, could be interpreted as me looking for an emotional aspect of myself. The fact that the colour of the wine was a surprise is weird, though. I expected red, which is the colour representing passion, and instead got white, which generally represents purity. So, the fact that I found it, is good, it means that I still have the capacity to feel that emotion. The live lizards? I'm thinking that they represent something I thought had died in myself, but now that I've found it, I'm worried that if I 'expose' that aspect, it might be rejected or not be acceptable to others. Interesting, don't ya think?

And I don't even watch soccer.

Sadism is very satisfying. Even if I practise it in a very 'vanilla' way. One of the guys' soccer team lost last night, a team I don't specifically like a lot, they're a bunch of hooligans. And man, am I lovin' rubbin' his nose in it. Smell that, darlin'...... Take a good whiff, yeah yeah, that's nice isn't it, bet you love that, you bloody phone-me-at-three-in-the-morning-for-phone-sex-married-asshole!!!!!!!!

And no, he didn't get any (phone sex, that is).

AC Milan rocks!

Lament for My Nature - or - "What happens when you tell children don't touch that"

One of my brothers used to have a burnt hand each and every holiday as a child. Why? Cos every time he'd walk past the stove, he compulsively had to touch the stove top to see if it was warm, no matter how many times he was told "Don't touch that!".

I am mentioning that because today I am bemoaning the fact that I have to touch the Universal metaphysical stove top, I can't help it. And, even though I am not sporting blisters and burns, it does tend to fuck-up things royally. I make these deals with the Universe, and promise that if this and this and this is put in place for me by the Universe, I'll fulfill my part of the bargain which is this, and this, and this. Then, I sit back for about 20 minutes, before I start messin' about with it. And I know this does not sound serious, but to me, it is a disaster of derailing trains proportion.

Like, squeezing an advocado every time you walk past it to make sure it hasn't ripened in the past 5 minutes, since you last squeezed it. It gets ruined.

I made a deal, I asked for the Universe to put someone specific close enough to me in a situation for me to be able to reach that person. Of course, only if it's meant to be. I even remembered to request this happens before a specific expiry date. So, guess what I've been doing the whole day? Thinking about ways to find the person myself. I just can't help myself. And I don't want to, honestly, I want to entrust this to The Powers That Be, I do.

But god dang it, I can almost smell the burning skin, and it's not even dark yet!

Aaaaah, the Good Ol' Days ......(Part 1)

My first stalker. I was 16, I had known him since 13, and we were friends, although he wanted more. He was sweet, but I was just not attracted to him in any kind of romantic or sexual way. He sent me a Valentine's card every year.

One Sunday, back from church (those days my father could still make me go), I found a bouquet of red roses, plus a card, on my pillow. My room was the only one in a wing seperate from the rest of the house, and I had a separate entrance, which I'd left unlocked (those were the days you could still do that, wouldn't dream of it today). I was pissed! As in, breathing-fire, I-will-beat-you-down, kinda pissed! I shoved the roses into my mother's hands, ordering her to throw 'em away, or take 'em to work. She was trying to calm me down, and asking me, very reasonably, whether I didn't think I was over-reacting, just a tad. Looking back, I definitely was, but all I could think about was what the hell he could have gotten up to while there, in my sanctuary. I mean, underwear, shower, get the picture?

Monday morning, he actually saught me out to ask whether I got the flowers, and I exploded, pretty much ruined the friendship, and the rest of our time at the same school, we talked when forced to.

Aaaaah, the Good Ol' Days ..... (Part 2)

Around 2/3 years ago, I hung out with a friend who had lots of contacts in the underground Nigerian pharmacist circles, and sometimes acted as middleman in transactions. He started telling me about some guy who kept asking about me when buying from him. So, one night, in our one and only more or less decent dance club, he calls me over, and lo and behold, there's Mr Stalker, 14 years later.I have a thing for men's mouths, some women check out asses, some legs, some eyes - me, I'm a mouth girl, mouth and hands. And, if there's one thing that's turns me on like a light, it's a mouth with wide, sensual lips. And, he had one. Gorgeous, gorgeous mouth, tall, BIG hands, he sure grew up nice!Ok, enough drooling. We chatted for a while, and my friend left. I made motions to follow suit, since friend was my lift home. So Stalker whispers to me, whether I'd please kiss him, just this once. I was not drunk, but certainly very mellow, and I suppose he was high as a kite by then. So, me and my bad self said "sure, why not?" We did, and man, was it ever worth it! One of the best kissers ever, and although I'm very choosy about the rest of the sexual repertoire, I have kissed a lot of guys (and a few gals, but that's a whole other blog)! Anyway, felt like a few seconds later (although it must have been a lot longer) another friend of me comes and drags (literally) us apart, telling me we are causing a scene.

Aaaaah, the Good Ol' Days .... (Part 3)

So Stalker leans over and whispers to me that that was better than any of his fantasies about me. I was a little dazed, so I think I gave him a brilliant smile, but couldn't get out a word.

Haven't seen him since, but this weekend I spent quite a bit of time thinking about him, and that KISS.

Now a kiss like that would do very bad things to my morals, had we been alone. Was thinking that it was a shame I didn't get to do it again, but then, maybe it was a good thing, cos I seriously wouldn't be able to guarantee his safety if we did. And, with my hormones droning like sludge through my body these days .......

But that kiss, damn!

I need to explain something

To my mom. Who's worried that I've never been completely myself with her. Pshaw!

Here goes: true, I haven't. But that's not because I feel I need to hide my true self from her. It's like this; when you go to a movie, you don't put on your whole wardrobe, do ya? Or, when you go for an interview, you have a certain dress code to work on, don't ya? So, the way I see it, we're all very complex creatures, with layers, and pages, and definitions and shit. So why would I be the loud, giggling, childlike, exhausting creature I turn into on a really fun night out, when with my mom? Same reason, I would probably not be the quiet, sombre, deep, spiritually-inclined person I tend to be when my mom's around. Different bits of me, work with different people and situations. And to me, that does not compute to me hiding myself from people, it's more, me adjusting my behaviour to what I think they'd feel most comfortable with. Lots of people around me would be SO not-comfortable if I suddenly started telling them about my belief system, I'd even go as far as saying they'd be shocked, and some may even decide not to know me anymore. Or, wondering if they ever did. Sad, but true. But, since I don't really feel close enough to them, to want to share my inner beliefs with them, I simply don't. While, on the other side of the coin, I have no problem sharing my beliefs with my mom, cos she matters on a deeper level.

One worrying thing that did come out of this, it started me worrying about whether there's ever been anybody I've shown it all to? Exposed myself to, so to speak. I have tried, usually with whatever man I've been in a relationship with (last disaster excluded, he was hammered down to a certain profile from Day 1), but, I've always had to gear it down after a while. All of me, is apparently just too much to deal with, and I have to admit, fear plays a huge role in this. So, if I felt like some part of me wasn't being accepted, I'd replace it with the acceptable bits. Easy. I ain't gonna show you shit if I don't feel safe with you.

People I feel totally safe with?

Haven't met them yet. Yet another sad fact I gotta deal with. Thanks, Ma.

I had this whole other blog typed up

And then the Blogger Fairies took it away. Just as well, it was a rant about why I'm better off alone.

I'll try and convey the point I was attempting to make, before it turned into another 'why I don't like most men much'.

Someone told me he thinks I'm wasting my life, which made me think. I came up with no, I don't think so, cos I don't think that being the best single mom I can be, is a waste. I do get where he's coming from though. He's seeing it from the perspective of me wasting the time I could be in relationship/s, being single. Ok, there are lots of reasons for that, some good, most bad, but it's not some random happening, it's quite deliberate. And, although now I'm (mostly) fine with it, when my son's grown and no longer dependent, I will probably not be. At the moment I cope with the loneliness by living in the moment. Making a lunch box, now, reading a bed-time story, now, getting Misha ready for school, now. It's not a perfect system, but it numbs the terror of knowing there are no arms to turn into after a hard day. No body to ease the desire that still stirs below the skin.

Although it really is the easiest thing in the world to go out and pick up some random guy, I refuse to go that route. I will rather regret anything in the world, than look back on a life wasted trying to make the wrong person into an 'almost right'. It's gotta be all or nothing this time. I've discovered so many good things about myself being alone, that I can't really classify it as wasted time, and the regrets I have, are easily filed away to deal with later.

People seem to think that 'shame, she can't get a man', or 'she needs some help, maybe a blind date would help', when I choose not to. Which is apparently strange for a female, even in this day & age. I don't want 'a man', I don't need 'a man', I am much stronger and better off without 'a man'. The point everybody misses is that it has to be 'THE MAN', or nobody. Full stop. That's all.

So next time he tells me, that if he was me, he'd be out there selling it to the highest bidder every night, and that I'm wasting "what my momma gave me", maybe I'll go: "mmmm, maybe next life time, when I've forgotten my real worth". Why is it that in 2007 women still feel like they have to screw the first man that shows interest, just not to be alone? What in our society is so evil and twisted that women feel they're less than a man, because of a very annoying and rather ugly body part? I don't get it. I just don't.

And now I'll have to stop, before the Raving Ranting Demon takes over again!

Memo to Universe - URGENT

Dear Beloved Being

I am not having a good morning, so I'll try and stay as calm as possible.

Astrologically, I have been advised to make my wishes clear, as I am entering a good period for them to come true.

Now, as I have sent my main wish out to you time and again, I can only re-iterate what I've requested before. I want it all, the looks, the attitude, the means, the characteristics, everything should be on file with you. I'd appreciate it if you could pull my file, and fullfil the requirements as stated. NOTHING less will do, thank you.

And, as this has been pending for SOME TIME, I'd appreciate if you could rush it through, as I am no longer willing to wait.

Please contact me clearly in a way I'd actually take notice of, should you have any enquiries.

Yours impatiently,

Me

Scary, good things

I work a spell, not planned, it just happens, and I know it is strong because I can hardly move afterward. My legs are shaky, and my body tingles. I send out a call, I make it specific to one person, like a homing beacon.

I lay, waiting for sleep. I feel the movement of air on my cheek, I pay no attention. Is the window open? I don't remember, and I sure ain't gonna check now. The air stills. I feel it move again, it stills again. I realise, it's a breath. Someone is breathing on my cheek, and I am not asleep. My eyes open. I am alone in my bed, but someone is breathing against my cheek. The breath is cool, and steady, and sweet. I am not scared. I am comforted. The air around me moves, like someone shifting into a more comfortable position, and the breath shifts a little closer to my temple. I stop wondering, settle into the comfort, and fall asleep. I sleep deeply, and wake rested.

I wake, the breath is gone. Against my eyelids I see ..... the outline of a man, his legs are not there, it's like he moves like a rolling cloud. How do I explain this? He is huge, and moves like nothing can stop him, with purpose, and a steady, rolling motion that feels no obstacles. He just comes. And I know, he's coming for me! And I say, it's about friggin' time, get here NOW! And he just keeps coming, not pausing, not looking anywhere but at me, staring, fixed. I call, I tell him he's taken too long. I'm excited, and it's real. He's coming, he's coming.

Grim & Dogged Determination

Is all that's keeping me here at the moment. I feel like both my eyes are swollen shut, and I'm standing in the middle of the ring, red gloves up over my face, not knowing which side the next blow's gonna come from.

People who are usually in my corner have joined the fray to take potshots at me. Usually this would dump me on my ass, and I would be up maybe by the count of 9, but this time, it's like I had my gloves up before the blow connected. So, although the shock still reverbs through me, I'm ok with it, I was expecting it. I'm swaying, but I'm still on my feet.

Or, maybe I should be worried, maybe my nerve endings have been taken over by The Giant Oozing Numbness from Planet Painnnnn! Ah hell, whatever gets me through the day, eh?

I'm not gay, but there was a time.....

Don't go there. No, I am not unsure about my sexual orientation, and no, have never been. But I did love a woman, very deeply, for a very long time. And still do.

My best friend at school, Karla. We met in Primary School, and were inseperable untill our second last year of High School. Now, Karla was everything I wanted to be, and was too afraid to be. She was silly, she was outrageous, she was impulsive, she was ... just so damn ALIVE!

She stole liquor from her dad's bar, she did handstands in the main road, she kissed and fooled around with older guys when I was primly smoothing my school skirt over my knees, and wishing it was me. She was the one and only reason I didn't turn out to be the weird girl sitting alone staring at everybody with that absent expression. She dragged me along to school dances, she taught me to drink, smoke, and flirt. And, I know that's not something I, as parent, should be promoting, but what I'm trying to say is that Karla made me live. She forced me to step out of my little tower, and take risks, and run away laughing.

We spent the day at school together, and after school we'd talk for hours on the phone, we went for Sunday afternoon bike rides to get sweets. We had sleep-overs, we went swimming, we did everything together.

The reason we stopped being best friends, is that I got so damn jealous, she started turning away from me just to hold on to who she was. So, one day, she just didn't turn up at 'our spot' during school break. We never did have a fight about it, but I never really got over that. I still miss her, every day. Even though we studied at the same tech, things were by then, so different, that we rarely had meaningful contact. She left to study something else, got married and moved to the UK. Last time we had contact was when she came here for a visit, she was having a difficult time in her personal life, and I was full of self-righteous shit, so I had AALLL the answers.

There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and so many things I would and wouldn't do. I've tried to find her a few times, but she's disappeared. The one thing that I will always always hug to me, is the unconditional acceptance she gave me, as long as I gave her the chance.

I hope I'll see you again one day, Karla, I really do. I love you, always have, always will. You will always be my bestest friend. The one I could tell secrets to, and know you would never gasp, or tell. You were a part of my life that makes me smile, and for that, I am thankfull, and send out all the love I can, and hope that you're still around, so that a small part of it, can find you. And give you the hug my heart holds.