Isn't this a beautiful picture? If you can look past the fact that it's a pic of two skeletons, and see the fact that they are embracing, like they chose to die staring into each other's eyes. They were dug up in Italy, and if I remember the article correctly, have been lying like this for around 5 000 years. I think it's amazing.
Still stuck in the mud of depression. There's this quietness inside me, and it's not a calm, serene quiet, it's a quietness that's caused by emptiness. Like if someone spoke into my soul, it would echo. I am sad, and feel the pressure of tears, behind my eyes. I try not to think about how I feel, when I do, I have to fight not to let them spill over.
The thing is (and here's where I don't think people get what I'm saying) there is NO light at the end of this tunnel. It's not like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, with some super-intelligent, gorgeous guy next to me waiting to put a permanent end to loneliness. And the reason for that is very basic, and quite simple. I do not go out. I have no opportunity to meet this guy, simply because I never go anywhere he could hypothetically hang out. I don't date, I don't socialise, I don't do anything that would move me from my current frame of reference, to a new environment.
For each and every morning and evening I can foresee, I will be, wherever I am, alone. Yes, this is my own fault, yes, I am the one who choose not to go to the club, go for drinks, go for the braai's. But, let me at least explain why, before you tell me I should stop complaining.
Explaining my context will be difficult unless you know the society I live in. First of all,
99.999999999999% of all South Africans (men and women alike) believe that you cannot have a good time without drinking, or more specifically, getting smashed. Being the only sober one in a group, has given me some pretty remarkable insights into just how much I would need to drink to want a life partner that lives like that. Second, the men I meet at the places I can go, are all from the same mould. Mindless, hormonally-driven Neanderthals, who find it ridiculous that a woman should believe that she is meant for something other than a "good fuck", and actually appreciate a guy who doesn't have to jump-start his brain by scratching his scrotum (and even then, it only works if the reason for thinking will in some way, cause him to 'score', or be seen as 'most macho' by fellow Neanderthals). The exceptions (and I do believe there are, although I can't prove it) are without fail, not available, or simply doesn't spark any chemical reactions on my part.
Ipso facto, I would rather avoid said scenario, so I stay at home, lonely. I will rather stay celibate and miserable, than to just go out and shag one of them, for the sake of having sex. Or, stay out of the club, and not get grabbed, stared at, commented on, and groped.
So, if you look at it from my perspective, I am lonely because I won't compromise my self-respect, and act stupid to make some prehistoric guy think I want him for the walking dick he is. I may be delusional, but isn't that wrong? Why should I make myself less than I really am, to not be lonely? And, if in fact, the problem is mine, why is it that these are the kinds of men I attract? Should I go goth, and dye my hair pitch black, wear too much eyeliner? Or will that just lead to me being felt up by drunk guys wearing black tights?
I just don't get it.
