Hopeful breezes

Strange times. It's the height of summer, and last night the wind was howling around the house like it's calling for winter. It was cold, and after a week of hot, humid, sweaty days, I loved lying under a sheet, listening to the wind call. I am tired this morning, lack of sleep, but I am excited. No idea why, just one of those silly days you smile in anticipation.

Usually I don't like feeling this way, cos like I told my mom last week, if you expect the worst, you're never disappointed. Feeling like this, optimistic, usually leads to disappointment. But today, even though I know it's probably hormones, I'm ok with feeling upbeat.

In between lying awake I did occasionally dose off, and I vividly remember a dream about TC, in which we kissed, but I was disappointed, cos the kiss was not what I expected at all. Now, that points to me expecting to be disappointed in some way, and TC was just a convenient symbol. So, I'm putting it down to feeling optimisic, and my subconscious trying to bring me back to reality.

Spoke to TC last week about the offers I got job wise, and his reaction was that I shouldn't go cos then he wouldn't see me anymore. Funny! A while ago I decided that he was confused, and that I would offer him friendship, which I've stuck to. Doesn't mean that I want him any less though, but I've resigned myself to this strange relationship we have, and trying to keep it shallow, physical. Me wanting him, but giving him friendship, him being possessive and familiar when I go to the trouble of visiting him, and never making any effort from his side to see me. I know I can't afford to feel anything more than this.

JC is coming to town sometimes this month. Don't really know how I feel about that, I doubt that I'll ever see him again. Made it pretty clear that I think we should stay away from each other, and I hope he feels the same. I do still miss him, often.

A friend I've know for years, and who've been trying to get me to agree to date him for years, is getting married. Now, in itself that wouldn't be weird, but in December he sent me messages telling me that he wants me, blah blah blah. That was bout 3 weeks before I heard about his wedding plans. He works in the field one of the offers I got, is in, so last week I phoned him to get his opinion, and he got all nasty, bragging about how often he "nails" his fianceè (charming way to talk about your future wife), and how I should've slept with him when I had the chance. Get over yourself! If I wanted to date you, I would've said yes to any one of the hundreds of offers!!!!!!

I hope the clean air that last night's wind brought, means a new cleaner horison for me, too. That the hope I feel is not just a prelude to being let down. I'm hoping that this time, hope will not be foolishness. This time, let it be true.