Burnin' the crap out

I feel as if I'm having "hot flushes". Now, there are 2 possible explanations. It can be that I'm going through menopause 20 years early, or, more likely, it could have something to do with the work I'm doing on myself right now. Feels like all the crap that I've been storing up in my cells, are being burned right out. Yay!

I'm not telling everything just yet, but I'm working on getting great, not better, great!

Hold thumbs.

I, Creatress

I am working on a few miracles. Will keep you updated.

Sylphi, the scary ghost

South Africa is quite heavily involved in "peace-keeping" on the African continent. Now, what that means, is that there are lots of South Africans involved in the security sector, stationed in other African countries.

My sister is going to Sudan in a little more than a month's time. She has two boys, one the same age as Misha, 5, and one 6. She's leaving them with their father for 6 months. She volunteered for the special duties, cos she thinks it'll give them a financial boost.

This morning I had the scary thought that I should let her find out while she's there, whether there'd be any opportunities for someone like me, maybe with the UN, or something. Now, I find this train of thought frightening because ever since his birth, almost 6 years ago, I have never been separated from my son for more than 1 month. And now, suddenly, I'm considering leaving him with his father for a considerable length of time, something I would never even have thought about before.

I'm starting to scare myself.

Apathy & Isolation

I've done it! I've finally managed to close off that part of me that wants companionship and hates it to have this empty, shallow life.

So what if that means that I have absolutely no wish to have contact with anybody, and that I'd rather be completely alone in a sensory-deprivation tank, that life the rest of this goddamned life. It's ok, not to miss any of the people I have been in daily contact with for years, and it's ok to watch other people's joys and sorrow with detachment. It's even ok to notice in passing that I am sad, or angry, and feel like those emotions are situated in a part of my body that's not really connected to my brain.

It's ok, bacause it means that I stay sane. I'm not going crazy anymore. I'm as hollow as a drum, but at least I'm a sane drum.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces

worn out places, worn out faces

bright and early for their daily races

going nowhere, going nowhere

and their tears are filling up their glasses,

no expression, no expression.

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

no tomorrow, no tomorrow.

*

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad,

the dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had.

I find it hard to tell you

cos I find it hard to take.

When people run in circles

it's a very, very

mad world.

*

Children waiting for the day they feel good

"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday"

Made to feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen!

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

"Hello teacher, tell me, what's my lesson"

Look right through me, look right through me.

*

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad,

the dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had.

I find it hard to tell you

cos I find it hard to take.

When people run in circles

it's a very, very

mad world.

**

Tears for Fears

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Exhaustion has claimed me once again. Feels like there's just no rest, anywhere. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually finished. Like I've been running on emergency power, and that's gone now. Like the mere fact that I'm sitting upright, is a minor wonder. Don't know what's keeping me alive.

Insomnia has returned in all its glory, and I am having a very stressful time, which takes it's toll on my body, too. Sure sign, I have a certain spot on my shoulder blade, right side, that starts aching when my nerves are really, really frayed. And it's aching, right now, like it has been for about 5 days now. Strange thing about that, my mom had it pretty much permanently before she left my father, so bad that she sometimes couldn't get up in the mornings, and I had to learn massaging skills pretty fast. It gradually got less severe, and returned less and less. Now she still gets it, but only very infrequently.

Mine's in the exact same place, just the side's different. Hers left, mine right.

I try to focus on the detail when I feel like this, cos looking at the big pic ture, freaks me out. Plus it's like, when you get caught up in small things, it makes the drama of the rest look a little more blurry, like it's farther away. Illusion is a grand thing.

The Valentine's Grinch

I feel a little like I'm sure the Grinch must feel at Christmas time. Like I want to snarl and growl at anybody who looks remotely romantic today. Yep, it's THAT day, fucking Valentine's Day. Never been able to get the reason we celebrate the death of a Catholic saint centuries ago (I think) by proclaiming undying love, and buying underwear.

Then again, I've never been the girl who has so many admirers that you have to step over the flowers to get to her. Nope, I was always the one the weird guys sent smarmy, geeky cards to. The kind you're scared to open cos the envelope's kinda sticky. That's me.

Hate it! Hate it! People who, all year round, treat each other like they're enemies or servants, rather than lovers, all of a sudden get soooooo carried away that they just HAVE to buy horendous, unimaginative Hallmark Cards, and chocolate, that yesterday cost R20, and is today, R80. And don't even get me started on red roses!

On the other hand, here's a little poem for all the rose-buyers:

Red roses, red roses
you've all got brown noses.

Mwua! Luv u 2!

Unvalentine's wishes

Tomorrow is the 14th February, Valentine's. I am feeling distinctly un-Valentine-ish.

I have not had sex for 4 months, and I have not had good sex for a hell of a lot longer than that. I haven't had any genuine affection for even longer than that. I would trade all the Valentine's shit I've received, ever, for one night of affection from someone I actually find attractive.

So, you'll excuse me for not getting all wet about the "Day of Love".

I hope Cupid shoots himself in the foot.

You'll Find The One You Love

"You'll find the one you love"

A bread truck told me this morning. I was driving to work, and this bread truck was in from of me, and as we stopped to wait for a green light, something drew my attention. A huge sign on the truck saying: "You'll find the one you love". Oh good! I thought. And, thank you.

So, this is what I'm focusing on for the day, and while it may seem a little weird to some people, I firmly believe in messages from the angels. Usually, I look out for feathers, and I have found feathers in some very unusual places. So, I just say a little "thank you for letting me know you're here" to whichever angel sent it, and it makes me a little happier that they're there.

Before I sleep at night, I chat to my angels, tell them how I feel, complain, and ask them for help if I feel I can't cope anymore. I have, of late, been asking them to make the signs they send me more obvious, because I believe that I miss a lot of them as being miserable also makes me very unobservant. A sign the size of the side of a truck, would qualify, don't you think?

So, thank you Angelbabes, I needed that. I'm gonna hold on for all I'm worth!

Disclaimer

I realise that I complain a lot on this blog. It's my blog, so if you don't like it, check the worry in my eye. Furthermore, my opinion of males is just that, MY opinion. I am not saying that what I believe is the truth set in stone, nor do I preach hatred of the entire male segment of humanity. The things I blog about are things that drive me nuts, and experiences in MY life, that have made me very wary of men.

I am desperately hoping that I will be proven wrong, and that a true MAN, MY definition of a MAN, does exist. And that I may one day meet him, recognise him, and share my life with him. Until that miracle (I typed that with a sneer on my face, just so you know) happens, I will continue to blog about my life the way it is, and not the way it might have been in some politically-correct wonderland. I'm told it helps to talk, so this is it, I'm talking!

Please note that I am NOT appologising for the facts as they are in my life, if you can't deal with that, boo-hoo, and TOUGH SHIT!

Ipso Facto

Isn't this a beautiful picture? If you can look past the fact that it's a pic of two skeletons, and see the fact that they are embracing, like they chose to die staring into each other's eyes. They were dug up in Italy, and if I remember the article correctly, have been lying like this for around 5 000 years. I think it's amazing.

Still stuck in the mud of depression. There's this quietness inside me, and it's not a calm, serene quiet, it's a quietness that's caused by emptiness. Like if someone spoke into my soul, it would echo. I am sad, and feel the pressure of tears, behind my eyes. I try not to think about how I feel, when I do, I have to fight not to let them spill over.

The thing is (and here's where I don't think people get what I'm saying) there is NO light at the end of this tunnel. It's not like I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, with some super-intelligent, gorgeous guy next to me waiting to put a permanent end to loneliness. And the reason for that is very basic, and quite simple. I do not go out. I have no opportunity to meet this guy, simply because I never go anywhere he could hypothetically hang out. I don't date, I don't socialise, I don't do anything that would move me from my current frame of reference, to a new environment.

For each and every morning and evening I can foresee, I will be, wherever I am, alone. Yes, this is my own fault, yes, I am the one who choose not to go to the club, go for drinks, go for the braai's. But, let me at least explain why, before you tell me I should stop complaining.

Explaining my context will be difficult unless you know the society I live in. First of all,

99.999999999999% of all South Africans (men and women alike) believe that you cannot have a good time without drinking, or more specifically, getting smashed. Being the only sober one in a group, has given me some pretty remarkable insights into just how much I would need to drink to want a life partner that lives like that. Second, the men I meet at the places I can go, are all from the same mould. Mindless, hormonally-driven Neanderthals, who find it ridiculous that a woman should believe that she is meant for something other than a "good fuck", and actually appreciate a guy who doesn't have to jump-start his brain by scratching his scrotum (and even then, it only works if the reason for thinking will in some way, cause him to 'score', or be seen as 'most macho' by fellow Neanderthals). The exceptions (and I do believe there are, although I can't prove it) are without fail, not available, or simply doesn't spark any chemical reactions on my part.

Ipso facto, I would rather avoid said scenario, so I stay at home, lonely. I will rather stay celibate and miserable, than to just go out and shag one of them, for the sake of having sex. Or, stay out of the club, and not get grabbed, stared at, commented on, and groped.

So, if you look at it from my perspective, I am lonely because I won't compromise my self-respect, and act stupid to make some prehistoric guy think I want him for the walking dick he is. I may be delusional, but isn't that wrong? Why should I make myself less than I really am, to not be lonely? And, if in fact, the problem is mine, why is it that these are the kinds of men I attract? Should I go goth, and dye my hair pitch black, wear too much eyeliner? Or will that just lead to me being felt up by drunk guys wearing black tights?

I just don't get it.

I don't really know what to say ......

Feel like a walking shell, again.

Cold Magic

I just got shouted at via e-mail. By my best friend. I was telling him about TC and what's been going on lately, and he told me off for looking for heartache. He thinks that my current course of action regarding TC is going to get me too involved (emotionally), and that I'm bound to get hurt. Which makes sense. And I love him for caring this much and wanting to protect me. But there's something he doesn't know about me, because I've never had to deploy this particular self-defense mechanism when he was around.

One of the less pleasant things I've been called in my life is 'cold'. I get called this because when I decide that enough's enough, that's it. And no amount of pleading, debating or begging will budge me from my decision. So, if I decide that I've invested enough emotion into a situation, and that I won't give any more until something (like some kind of clue from the other person) prompts me to re-evaluate my decision. So, what this means in terms of TC, is that I will not let my heart get caught up, although I don't mind the physical desire, that I can deal with. My mind definitely has my body at heel, I will not give in to physical desire consequences be damned! I can hold on to objectivity to a certain degree. I suppose as much as anyone in a situation can, since it's probably not possible to stay 100% objective when you're on the inside, and not looking in from the outside. But, there it is. Sure, I have let myself get involved with people I should not have, but there's no sight like hindsight. Plus, I try to learn from my mistakes, and if I make the conscious decision from the start not to let myself get in too deep, I won't. Simple as that. Cold Magic!

Hopeful breezes

Strange times. It's the height of summer, and last night the wind was howling around the house like it's calling for winter. It was cold, and after a week of hot, humid, sweaty days, I loved lying under a sheet, listening to the wind call. I am tired this morning, lack of sleep, but I am excited. No idea why, just one of those silly days you smile in anticipation.

Usually I don't like feeling this way, cos like I told my mom last week, if you expect the worst, you're never disappointed. Feeling like this, optimistic, usually leads to disappointment. But today, even though I know it's probably hormones, I'm ok with feeling upbeat.

In between lying awake I did occasionally dose off, and I vividly remember a dream about TC, in which we kissed, but I was disappointed, cos the kiss was not what I expected at all. Now, that points to me expecting to be disappointed in some way, and TC was just a convenient symbol. So, I'm putting it down to feeling optimisic, and my subconscious trying to bring me back to reality.

Spoke to TC last week about the offers I got job wise, and his reaction was that I shouldn't go cos then he wouldn't see me anymore. Funny! A while ago I decided that he was confused, and that I would offer him friendship, which I've stuck to. Doesn't mean that I want him any less though, but I've resigned myself to this strange relationship we have, and trying to keep it shallow, physical. Me wanting him, but giving him friendship, him being possessive and familiar when I go to the trouble of visiting him, and never making any effort from his side to see me. I know I can't afford to feel anything more than this.

JC is coming to town sometimes this month. Don't really know how I feel about that, I doubt that I'll ever see him again. Made it pretty clear that I think we should stay away from each other, and I hope he feels the same. I do still miss him, often.

A friend I've know for years, and who've been trying to get me to agree to date him for years, is getting married. Now, in itself that wouldn't be weird, but in December he sent me messages telling me that he wants me, blah blah blah. That was bout 3 weeks before I heard about his wedding plans. He works in the field one of the offers I got, is in, so last week I phoned him to get his opinion, and he got all nasty, bragging about how often he "nails" his fianceè (charming way to talk about your future wife), and how I should've slept with him when I had the chance. Get over yourself! If I wanted to date you, I would've said yes to any one of the hundreds of offers!!!!!!

I hope the clean air that last night's wind brought, means a new cleaner horison for me, too. That the hope I feel is not just a prelude to being let down. I'm hoping that this time, hope will not be foolishness. This time, let it be true.

Alignment

Have you ever had the feeling that the universe was working very hard on getting the planets aligned for a specific spell it needs to work, but it needs you to participate in some way, and you just have no idea how?

That's how I feel. Like something is happening somewhere, and I should be participating, but I never got the agenda or the map to the venue.

Ah well, since Mohammed doesn't know where the mountain is, maybe the mountain is dusting off it's sneakers as we speak.