Another Eureka! Moment

You know, I don't know how I miss these things, or how I all of a sudden have these flashes, but yes, another bolt struck me last night.

The Honey (formerly referred to as Sweetie), came over for dinner night before last. He got chatting with Chief Advisor about a place he'd been camping, in a gorge, and a specific spot where 2 rivers had carved the canyon and caused a current of wind to kind of rotate against the rocks (very technical, not sure I know how to explain it), and how he loved the way the wind moved in that spot. Which led to him remarking that his favourite part of a storm was the wind before the rain started (which is also my favourite part). But, I had no technical way of explaining why I like it, just how it made me feel.

He'd brought a DVD entitled "Baraka" which he'd been telling me about earlier, and Chief Advisor, Honey and I sat down to watch it. It basically is about an hour and half of images, designed and edited to show the contrast, tragedy, and destruction of the artificial "human" world vs nature. The way we control, and in the controlling, destroy, and how we end up being as cruel to ourselves as we are to nature. Some very disturbing stuff. So, chatting to CA, Honey launched into another very technical explanation of the juxtapositioning in the DVD, and how interesting he found it. Listening to him, I was thinking (kinda alarmed that I wasn't being as analytical about it) about how much it made me ache for the hurts we perpetrate, and how it pisses me off to be part of it all. When, yep, you guessed it, I GOT IT!
We were feeling the same things! Only, he was saying it in GUY talk, and I was feeling it in GIRL talk! Two totally different languages.

Ironic how it took me 3 and a half decades to really grasp that concept. Although, this doesn't change the fact that I don't understand GUY, and I don't think I really know a man with the necessary skill to learn fluent GIRL. Ah well, they say acceptance of a problem is the first step to fixin' it, I'll just hang on to that for a while. And listen to men talk more often, instead of just diving into it and letting it run down my back like a little duck.

"Look Ma, no hands!"

They say having sex is like riding a bicycle, even if you haven't done it in A WHILE, you should be able to just get on, and do it (so to speak). Now, I kinda have my doubts about that statement. Here's why; I have not cycled anywhere, or anything, in roughly - 15 years. Now, I don't doubt the fact that I'd be able to "jump the bike", but that's where the certainty stops. I doubt that I'd be able to stay on, and get the balancing while peddling thing in synch.

And no, this is not the Issue de Jeur due to the possibility of having sex, or cycling, anytime soon.This is the Issue de Jeur due to a blog recently published by my favourite author about research. She writes a mix of horror, erotica, and mystery. The horror and mystery I'm not concerned with right now, the erotica, I am. She is married, to her second husband, and admits to doing quite a bit of 'research' with hubby. Ok, that already pushes oversharing, so the next bit, is what's got me worried. She describes the joy of being with someone you love, who loves you, and the level of comfort you reach in a relationship, as one of the main motivating factors for the amount of 'research' they do. And, with each new book (in the series) the characters push the envelope a little further. Knowing that each new scene was previously played out in a bedroom in rural USA, is worrying enough, it's her describing the humor that accompanies blikseming off the bed, during a really good rogering, that worries me. First off, you'd think that with the copious amounts of practice she gets, she'd be better at balance, don't ya? Second, if a expert like her still goes sprawling, clutching sheets and goodness knows what else - how the hell is an amateur like me gonna stay in the seat? (Proving that actually becomes an issue - one day - like in 2012 just before the earth ceases to exist, like the Mayans predicted.) Oh joy! Take that, while everone else will be staring bug-eyed at the spreading mushroom cloud, I'll be a) moaning in ecstacy, whle not falling off a bed, or b) shouting "Whoohoo! Look ma, no hands!" while bumping down the nearest road.

The Sweetest Thing

I had a nice weekend, which is surprising, cos I was out of my comfort zone on a couple of occassions, but they were both good experiences. I had dinner with the Sweetie mentioned below, and there were actually no uncomfortable silences worth mentioning. As a matter of fact, I was extremely comfortable. Then, he had a late lunch with us at home on Sunday afternoon, and even though I was in a rather crappy mood, it was ok.

The one problem I do have is that he's too perceptive for my good, by far. He listens, and can actually ask questions pertinent to what I said, which totally throws me, every time. Not used to that in men, the listening thing.

Something else strange about him, we've been talking and seeing each other (not in THAT way) for a week and a half now, on an almost daily basis (at least chatting) and I have never spent this amount of time in a straight guy's company, without him making some kind of sexual overture (or remark about my appearance). Never, I swear. And, at first, that bugged me, I was worried that maybe he didn't find me attractive, you know, the usual insecurities rearing their fugly heads. Now, I kinda appreciate it, it makes me feel safer and less pressured, like I can be a little more vulnerable that I usually let myself be, and I like it!

So, to the anonymous angel that helped him reach me: "Thank you darlin', my gratitude for bringing a much needed sweet interlude my way. I sure hope he stays."

Update

Kay, he gave me a happy birthday kiss, had coffee and sour tart (no time now), brought me two bunches of the most gorgeous white lilies, and left. Not in the abovmentioned order. Did say we should do something this weekend, and yes, I said yes, (see "Then my brain flew away" blog below). So, we'll see what happens, shall we? I am cautiously optimistic.

And down it came to earth, and plonked into a puddle......

My brain, that is.

I don't understand. Here's the situation, went on an (unofficial) actual date. (Queue uproarious applause, me taking a bow). Had a very nice time, even though I was about as comfortable as a bunny in a blender (he on the other hand, had a ball, surrounded by his bestest buddies for support). I felt a definite vibe, and, for once in my life, actually put in an effort to make a guy feel that I'm comfortable with him, which I was, the brief times we were alone. He brought us (my son went with) home, and even had coffee with my mom and brother. Brave boy!

That was Sunday, we've chatted on the phone, and sent text messages to and fro, but I get the disctinct impression he doesn't want to be alone with me, when I mention doing something. Now, as I reason (and yes, my reasoning is usually a little off centre, but anyway)this could be due to 2 reasons. a)he seriously only wants to expand his social circle, or b) he's scared to be alone with me. Now, logic (again, I know, mine's a little skew) tells me if you take into account the vibes (and no, I don't think I'm so far off centre that they were my imagination) I'm going with option b). Which is where it gets muddy. And I'm too chicken to ask him. So, now I'm clueless. Even if the answer is option a), I still don't get how surrounding me with a bunch of hostiles is gonna get us anywhere near a solid friendship. EGAD! The politics of relationships have just always been a mystery to me! Aren't I (as the female) supposed to be cast in the mysterious, unsolvable role?

This morning, I sent him a message asking who I should bribe to get to see him again. See that? The cleverness of me? I'm asking him something I seriously wanna know, whilst deviously (and absolutely brilliantly, I might add) disguising it in a humourous cloak. Damn, sometimes I amaze myself. Now, I just have to scrape up the courage to cope with an answer, when I get one.

Will keep updated. (S'like a soapie, innit?)

And then my Brain just flew away .......

I have trouble holding the gaze, cos it feels like it goes deeper than is confortable. Like it sees more than I'm willing to show. It makes me shy. It makes me wanna cuddle up to him, and hide my face against his neck. It makes me forget what he was asking, and I nod, or say yes, even though what I'm agreeing to, is a complete blank. Like, for moment, my mind slips, and the rational me just flits away, chittering happily.

I am in such deep shit.

You are cordially invited to a Pity Party

My birthday’s coming up, Goddamnit! I HATE my own birthday, always have, ever since cake frosting lost it’s attraction at 6. Seriously, I would prefer to just skip that day each year, and pretend it doesn’t exist.

Initially I hated it because, for this one day, people, related and not so, who normally walk over me on the sidewalk, without so much as a glance, love me. They talk to me in syrupy, disgusting voices, and pretend like they give a shit. Also, my father calls, imparts what he believes is a ‘life-lesson’ for the next 12 months (in the hopes that his wayward child will see the error of her ways, and turn to him for guidance), in roughly 30 unnerving, unnatural, never-ending, seconds, then hangs up. Oh joy!

As if that isn’t enough reason to hate the day, recently, say the last 5 years or so, my depression’s deepened cos of the unavoidable reflective mood that dawns with the day.
Where did I want to be at this age? With 3 or 4 happy kids, a husband who loves and respects me, financially secure, and doing something I feel passionate about, something that puts me close to the earth, and nature. Where am I at this age? Sad, because my only child is turning 6, a financially struggling, lonely, single mom, doing a job that is about as stimulating as taking a piss, living in a rented house I can’t actually afford, and driving around in a dependable, but ancient, little jalopy. And, for good measure, I can see absolutely no change in any of these factors in my future.

I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS!!!!!! I DO NOT WANT THIS!!!!!!! I was a young woman, trying to forge a life for herself, why did it all have to get so screwed up? Why am I the lonely one, when so many other people I know, who are always in relationships, cheats, lies, sleeps around, abuses, steals, beats one another? I did none of that. I TRIED, DAMN IT, I TRIED SO HARD. I did nothing to warrant this end-product, except be the only person I can be, myself.

This makes me wanna swear. It makes me VERY ANGRY. It makes me VERY SAD. It makes me wanna SCREAM, loudly, and until I run out of breath. It makes all the muscles in my shoulders and neck turn rock-hard, and painful. It makes me unable to sleep at night. It makes me cry.

SWEET LORD, I HATE MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!