Now I don’t wanna start any blasphemous rumours …..

I used to get preached at about that song in Sunday School, you know, satanistic and all. Recently, I’ve come to believe it is largely a true reflection of The Creator’s state of mind, at least some of the time. Sick sense of humour. Rather sadistic at times. The image I get is often that of a voodun sticking pins in a doll, grinning gleefully.

Thing is, I do believe in free will, but I also believe in destiny and karma. Which means that, no matter how hard you try, if what you’re trying to achieve is not what you planned in-between this life and the previous, honey, you ain’t getting’ there. Kinda like a salmon trying to get to it’s breeding ground via a huge dam wall. You can jump and jump and jump, in the end you’re pretty much killing yourself for shit.

Now, if the god/dess/spirit you believe in, is the vengeful, judgmental type, I’m guessing you’ll be ok with having a crappy life, cos that’s what you’d expect from these types, innit? But, if you’ve been led to believe in the sanctity and divinity of Love, and that it’s only love that gets you through, then, like me, you might have a hard time understanding what the fuck is going on.

According to the major principles of most of the mainstream religions on this rickety, wheezing planet of ours, what you give is what you get. Eg. go around killing people, by all accounts at some stage you should end up behind bars, taking it up the backside, and getting called beyotch. Same principle applies to the opposite, you try to live without harming anyone/thing, you should be getting back in kind, shouldn’t you? Only, in my case at least, that ain’t so. I would like to stress the fact that I am, in fact, not feeling sorry for myself, I am facing reality, not self-pity.

So, only counting life after leaving my parental home (cos the abuse there was not something I could in any way have caused and brought upon myself), my adult life has been pretty much …..sad. I started out enthusiastically and eagerly (like most of us do) believing in eternal love, and that there’s love out there for all of us. Cutting a long story short, love, I have not been able to find. Now, unless I have the most warped idea of love in the known universe, the fact that I've have been trying to live by the creed that giving love, should earn me some credits, right? Not so, I’m afraid.

So, the only conclusion I can possibly reach is that, in the haze of whatever I was inhaling in the In-Between, I, and whoever the fuck my mentor was, decided to make this life a “challenging one”. Which is more sad than I can even express. Living a life without love, to me, is worse than being denied food or water. It takes away my core, the ‘who-I-am’ part, without which I do not see any need for being here.

Which is why I think that whoever aided me in getting here, now, has the illest sense of humour I have ever had to deal with. Religion after religion spouts messages of love and happiness, preaching that this is what God, Allah (peace be upon him), the Buddah etc etc ad nauseum, wants for us. I’ve made my judgment call on this, don’t know about you, but I pretty much know where I stand.

Amazingly, there is still this minute part of me, that wants this not to be true. That goes against everything I have seen for the past 34 years. How stupid is that?

Anyway, to quote Depeche Mode again:

"I don’t want to start any blasphemous rumours
But I think that god’s got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I expect to find him (?) laughing"