Going Overboard

G'day Boys and Girls.

Where to start.... where to start.....

I'm still not sure what I even want to type today, I know I need to vomit something out, cos it's all getting too much again, I just don't know what, and I'm scared if I just pick a random thread to pick at, it'll turn into a confusing mess.

I'm hurting, is probably a good start. There is not a part of my life at the moment that does not hurt in one way or the other. Exhausted and filled with actual, physical pain. My heart is heavy and sore, and it takes nothing at all to make me burst into tears. My mind is tired, I don't want to think anymore, my head hurts all the time. I look at myself in the mirror, and feel nothing. No pride, no love, no sympathy...... not a fucking thing. All I see is a sad, sad woman, regretting. I miss my son, miss him, miss him, miss him. But I know, even when he's back, he can't be big enough to fill the hole.

I look into tomorrow and all I see is an endless open space, with me the little dot trying to melt into the ether, to fly away, to drift into nothing. I want to become less solid, and then, disappear, like ice turned mist.

Don't wanna be here, don't wanna be here ever again. Wanna be gone, wanna be a memory. Cos a memory actually means something to someone, unlike my life now, to myself. I am meaningless, I am a waste of resources, I am the Universe being sentimental, and keeping something that's no longer needed.