Various Jumbled Messes & the Holiday Season

Mess #1:
When my parents split up, all of 13 years ago, my father instructed me to "talk to your mother", indicating rather strongly that it was up to me to get her thinking right. I didn't, mainly because I thought / still think, she did the right thing. Now, Father has split up with his lady-friend, and has been making noises to Sister (his confidante), that he "thinks it would be the right thing" to get back together with mom, to stop the family from "splitting apart". Now, apart from the obvious incriminations I could throw his way, there's the added aspect of him ordering my sister to tell me about it, so I can tell mom, so she can "get right" and take him back, "for the family's sake". I've once again, decided not to do anything, and not make this my responsibility, as it's not supposed to be. What gets to me about the situation is how immesurably sad this is...... After all these years, he still doesn't have a clue, not a clue......

Mess #2:
A while ago I blogged about sending my CV abroad, which I did in the hopes of getting reaction from a very prominent international body, and possibly getting a contract with them, for the betterment of the world (yes, sounds corny, but that's actually what I want). And, yes, they do warn that they may take months before they get back to you, if they do at all. Still, it's been 3 months, and I'm close to despair. Thing is, I have a job, I do my job since it feeds us and puts a roof above our heads, but I will never love my job. And, I will never get to the stage that I would actually be able to afford a place of our own, or a car, should my little wagon decide to die. This job I've applied for would solve 2 problems, it would be something that MEANS something to me, something good. Second, it would give me an extremely welcome financial boost. Maybe even enough for a downpayment on a home. So, what's making me sad, is that I feel like I need this, and nothing's happening.

Mess #3:
My son is, once again, spending time with his father, and step family. I always experience his absence as a physical thing, I start craving his closeness, I miss holding him so badly, that I want to start crying. Which, yes, means that I love my son, which is good, but seeing on his little face the desperation I feel inside myself, when he gets the chance to come say hi, while staying with them, breaks my heart. It's too much, he shouldn't be this attached to me, I shouldn't be this attached to him, it's not good for either of us.

Mess #4:
As stated yesterday, I'm now willing to acknowledge that I'll probably always believe in love, no matter how disillusioned I sound, and how much bitterness I may spout at various stages of loneliness. Love is, and always will be, to me, the one thing that might (MIGHT) make this life worthwhile. Mess is, I have a serious shortage in my life, and don't know what to do about it. So, I guess, admitting it, and asking for more is a start, right?

Now..... The Mutherfocking Holiday Season
Is a time of year I detest, in the worst possible way! People seem to get a little extra dollop of crazy in their cereal bowls each morning, and this gets progressively worse, as the month of December drags it's feet to January. At work, I have to suppress cursing like a patient with terminal Tourettes, or getting on our open plan shared desk, and starting a slow pole dance, while shouting a Joe Cocker song, out of sheer, unadulterated BOREDOM!! NO phones to answer, no cases to issue, nothing to do, but freak out slowly in my mind. In the streets, people form little clumps in the middle of the pavement, blocking pedestrian traffic from both sides, to discuss the Christmas menu, or how stingy this lastest boyfriend is.... Or, they dawdle along, platoons of four or five wide, always just too many to pass without actually running into the street, and wave umbrellas around, while shouting at the person RIGHT NEXT to them. People start reminding me that they want "a christmas" (gift) that I never have any kind of interaction with for the rest of the year. In short, the holiday season drives me nuts, it's like people pop out of the manholes, more each day, with the express duty of driving me insane. As an added bonus, fmilies go on holiday, people get all exited and fuzzy with 'holiday spirit', and babbling about gifts, and big meat dinners with family, blah blah blah. Which is not something a person, essentially alone, even in the twisted embrace of my slightly scary family, wants to hear about. Can't even drink, since Father is a recovering alcoholic, and Sister gave up for fear of becoming one.

Well, at least I'll be getting a few gifts, maybe there's actually someone in my family that gets me enough to find me somehting I actually like, this year (sigh). Here's to hoping.