JC is ….. ummmm…… I’m unsure how to describe him. Ok, let’s keep this simple. JC is a man I felt for, felt a LOT for, but due to various unchangeable situations, we never went beyond passionate kisses, and a lot of longing on my side. JC went away, far far away, a couple of years ago. He visits now and again, a fact I both love and hate.
Last year I asked him not to come see me anymore when he’s in town. Which he respected for a few months, and then, to my relief, contacted me on e-mail, again. We keep up a very unsatisfactory, very rare e-mail correspondence.
Yesterday, he shows up at my office, and my first impulse is to run into his arms, and lay my head on his chest. Which I did, without thought, totally on instinct. With anyone else, I would be guarded and more than a little pissed off that they went against my wishes. But, because it’s JC, I conveniently block out any pain, any disappointment, in a nutshell, any reality, and indulge the vulnerable side, that feels safe next to him, and wants to reach out and take his hand when crossing the road, like a child.
He stayed for about an hour, and after he left, left me pondering my reaction. A few times, I had the urge to curl up on his lap, and just be ….. quiet ….. safe ….. untouchable by anything that could hurt. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me feel this way. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so vulnerable (and so illogically safe) with any other man. I don’t know whether this is what love’s supposed to feel like. I do know that I’ve never let myself do the things I want to do with him, but also, that it’s been a struggle with my conscience, all the way.
The fact that he’d never be mine, is all right. It used to hurt, but now, I’ve accepted it, and know that it would have been impossible anyway.
What puzzles me is that he makes me feel vulnerable and small, like I need protection, and I like it. I like the feeling, and aside from my logical mind always going into shock, I’m content next to him.
I wondered whether this is a side-effect from having a very shitty year – emotionally speaking. Realising that I am soft inside, and that I do hurt, and that, no matter how hard I try to act invulnerable and hide, it’s just not possible anymore.
Suppose what I’m trying to get to here, is that I’m glad he’s still around to point out stuff like this, me still having a soft, vulnerable side, a side that peeps out when the right person to trigger it, shows up. I’m glad that I want to stop acting like Bullet-Proof Girl, and just curl up with someone. Let someone guard me, and not threaten to kick everybody’s ass, for once.
I’m glad you’re still around, JC, and I’m glad the Sweetie side of me is still around, too.
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I made up my mind to start this blog, as a final resort against total insanity. I figure maybe, if I actually keep note of everything inside, it might make more sense, or even better - disappear into the e-world, never to be heard of - or felt - again. So that's what this is, my attempt at sanity.
About Me
- Sylphi
- Tough one, I think I'd rather quote a few comments made by family & friends about me. "Mad as a hatter", "hippie", "sin on legs", "should be kept behind a harem wall", "don't know wether I want to strangle you with a rope, or tie you to my bed with it", "too smart for your own good", "when you're happy you shine", "kruidjie-roer-my-nie" (which is a kind of herb that grows in arid places, when you touch it, the leaves close like the petals of a flower),"my angel" The list is endless, and very confusing, make up your own mind.