at this shame I hide
pare away the man,
and find the worm inside.
*
Your mind's unclear
and instinct is a lie,
I hear what you say you'd do
and I wish it was true.
*
How can he take you
when you give yourself?
All the old lines
just to bind yourself,
*
then you wrap yourself around me
and whisper in my ear:
"Where is your jealousy?"
All I feel is fear.
*
I want to hear it,
and I want to see.
Let me watch you make love
and imagine that it's me.
*
I want to hear it,
and I want to see.
Let me watch you make love
and imagine that it's me.
-Black
Aren't they just beautifully twisted lyrics? I rediscovered Black recently, after bopping to his chart hits years ago as pre-teen. It's only now that I realise that the lyrics he sings are multi-layered, and that hearing them again and again, only opens up new scenes every time. I love the totally human, realistic, hurtfull essence of this song. We are a bent bunch, but most of the time we work pretty hard at denying it, and he just doesn't. No pretending.
Issue de jeur:
Usually, when a guy touches me in an aggressive way, I freak out. I start shaking, go white as a sheet, and my fight-or-flight response goes into overdrive. Remnant of my childhood that's hard to shake. Last week, first time in my life, I didn't. Now, maybe I should qualify what I consider an "Aggressive Touch", it would be any kind of restraining touch, eg trying to keep me from moving away from someone, trying to move me away from someone/something, dragging me around, basically. You wanna piss me off big-time, that's the way to do it. So, to get back to my issue, this is the situation. I have mentioned TC before, a collegue I am very attracted to physically, but he's involved with someone, and gives me more mixed signals than a 4-year old learning sign language. So, I avoid him as much as I can, but had to contact him last week to make an appointment for my mom, who needed his expertise. When I took her to him, he was sitting outside his office, at his PA's desk, and we showed up at the same time as another male collegue, whom I like to give a hard time. Which I promptly did, by telling him he needs to leave, as I got there first. Sometime during this friendly argument, TC got up and invited my mom into his office, and was standing behind me. Getting right into this smart-ass moment, I mouthed-off to him, too, he reacted rather suddenly by grabbing me by the arm, and using his body to propel me into his office by force. I remember the grip on my arm, and I remember gasping for breath in his office. The inbetween is gone. I clutched out. But, instead of freaking out, and going into fight-mode, I liked it! I'm just not really sure what the motivation behind it was on his side. He is very reserved usually, especially physically, he only ever touches me when he has good reason to, eg birthdays etc. So, this very public, very macho display, was a huge surprise. Drew the conclusion a while ago that TC is either insanely jealous of what he considers his at a specific moment, or he just doesn't like having other males around when he's talking to me. So, I'm wondering if the grabbing was some kind of show of ownership, or resentment that I was joking with the other collegue. Apparently, he expected me to stay while he was helping my mom, and seemed miffed when I left. Fascinating to me, so I don't really care whether readers find this as interesting as I do. I would love to know what the motivation was. Curiouser and curiouser. The incident, of course, led to a whole new batch of unwanted fantasies, very little sleep, and surprise at my own reaction.
Does this mean that my fear is slowing getting more logical, more realistic, and that my body is learning to distinguish between real danger and "innocent" moments? Goddess, I hope so!
