Ya gots 2 hav sum rulz!!!

She said a good day
ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s
when I lie in bed and think of things
that might have been.

Slip slidin’ away – Paul Simon

You know, according to the rules of the Universe, as I see them, what you ask for, you get – in some form or another.
I asked for my ex, I got him,
I asked for a child, I got him, (for the further purposes of this blog, he’s the one GOOD thing I asked for, and got)
I asked for a Native American – I got him (granted, he was Native Canadian – but it was close enough)
I asked for the Alchie (by name) I got him, (before I knew about the drinking problem – jeesh!)
I asked for the Honey (by name), I got him, (again, be careful what you wish for Silly Sylphi Cow)

So – let’s analyse the pattern here, when I ask for people I think would be good for me in relationships, I get them. (The fact that I am usually off by continents, nevermind miles, is to be ignored for now.) But, when I ask for circumstances that I think would be good for me, I don’t. Eg, I asked to emigrate, got as far as a scheduled interview, and no further. I asked for abundance in my finances – boy did I not get that! I asked for a home of our own, I’m still trekking my plants in pots every time we move from rental to rental. I’ve asked for the means to afford a new, reliable car, since the one I have (faithful as she is) won’t last forever, and guess what? I have learned that I am not going to be given these things on a platter, I have to take the first few (hundred) steps, and I’m down with that. I will walk off the bloody edge of the earth, if I knew that on the other side the means to a better life would be mine. It just seems that, no matter how motivated or enthusiastic I am, it don’t work. I mean, I know that the BB’s won’t give me a higher-paying job, they will create the opportunity for me to find a higher paying job, that’s the way it works. But, unless I am totally blind, deaf and dumb, I just ain’t getting no opportunities. No signs, no signals, no calls, no interesting chats – in short, fuck-all.

So, my question is, is everything I have ever learned and believed – wrong? I already know that the values I were brought up with, were up the creek, but since then, I’ve learned and believed other values and principles. Which now, is also proving a tad unreliable. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

I mean, do I keep on blindly asking for support, and asking and asking and asking – while turning my head from the proof that my “prayers” are going unanswered? Or, do I stop believing altogether, and just plod on, with no stars to steer by? Pretty bleak, that.

See, I just don’t know.

I just don’t know.