In South Africa, we do not celebrate All Hallow's Eve. According to Wicca and Pagan beliefs it is the one night of the year that the veil between the physical and spritual worlds are thinnest. I have always loved the idea of All Hallow's Eve, and on this day, I spend a little time acknowledging those around me I cannot see with physical eyes.
Today, I woke up with the image of swirling energies around me, like I was being surrounded and accompanied by Others.
So, just thought that I'd say hi there, and thanks. I appreciate the company, and thanks for the guidance and planning you guys send my way, although I generally don't realise it.
I give thanks to guides, and angels, and all Others (lost in this life, or not) who walk this road with me. Love and Light.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Indian Summer In The Head
Which seems to be what I'm having. I think I might be feeling the way people in institutions feel, once they've accepted the fact that they've lost society's plot and start having fun with the 'crazy'.
Feeling permanently upbeat (you know I have trouble typing that, scared it might get frightened and go away), is kinda nice. Not being cheerful by nature ( I'm a 'half empty' kinda gal) this is a pleasant diversion.
People tend to be drawn to me much more when I hum while hopping down the stairs, or take in a ninja stance when they approach (with appropriate haia sounds), than the usual smile-without-the-eyes face I have. Why, in the last week I've re-established contact with 2 long lost friends, and they didn't even know about the Indian Summer In The Head! Plus, I've gained a new friend, without doing anything more than e-mailing a joke to another friend.
So, I've decided I like this! Being cheerful is apparently, a look that works for me. Plus, the longer you actually maintain it, the easier it gets. Bonus!
Doesn't do much for the over stressed hormones, but meh...... I can handle that! (Said with hand tapping furiously on wooden table and crazy, shifty eyes!)
Feeling permanently upbeat (you know I have trouble typing that, scared it might get frightened and go away), is kinda nice. Not being cheerful by nature ( I'm a 'half empty' kinda gal) this is a pleasant diversion.
People tend to be drawn to me much more when I hum while hopping down the stairs, or take in a ninja stance when they approach (with appropriate haia sounds), than the usual smile-without-the-eyes face I have. Why, in the last week I've re-established contact with 2 long lost friends, and they didn't even know about the Indian Summer In The Head! Plus, I've gained a new friend, without doing anything more than e-mailing a joke to another friend.
So, I've decided I like this! Being cheerful is apparently, a look that works for me. Plus, the longer you actually maintain it, the easier it gets. Bonus!
Doesn't do much for the over stressed hormones, but meh...... I can handle that! (Said with hand tapping furiously on wooden table and crazy, shifty eyes!)
Friday, October 19, 2007
Um...........so.... aaaaaaannyway
I was lying in bed last night, enjoying my usual insomnia, when I fell on a subject I haven't worried to death for a while now.
Lack of Sex. Or, the lack of any kind of sexual conduct.
Now, I believe, that in order to be a fulfilled human bean/being/whatever, I need to embrace all the aspects that make me ... well... me. Which includes the sad, oh, so very sad, severely underutilised sexual, sensual side.
Sadly, oh, so very sadly, my physical experience has been very limited. I'm saying sadly, because I've always felt that I have to supress my sensual side, for the sake of my puritanical upbringing, which dictates that I owe society the debt of being 'a good girl'. I've always had the suspicion that my hormones' reaction to this has been 'good gal, good gal? I spit on good gal...pah! pah! (Sound of spitting on sidewalk, while thumbing nose)!' The current state of affairs (pun intended) does not sit very comfortably on my primly clad shoulders.
Thing is, being a Gemini, with the duality and all, I think that had I been born a few years later, and brought up in a different household, I might have turned out to be a .... well, skank, not to put too fine a point on it. Now, this observation is based on the level of hormonal discomfort experienced during my lenghthy (sigh, gawd damn it, SIGH) "dry" spells.
So, in my eternal search for balance, I have been unable to find even a semblance of resolution to this touchy subject (again, pun intended). I mean, if you knew what went on in my brain - OMG, sometimes I scare myself! A good scared, though, verrrrry veryyyy gooooooodd, anyway, I'm gettin distracted.
I find myself unable to toss off (yep, did it again!) the mantle of years and years' ingrained training, and just (as many of my male friends suggest) go ahead and shag someone, already. With no thought of consequences, shameful feelings, or morals. No can do, buddy. I gotta look myself in the mirror tomarra.
Feelings inevitably enter the scene (and yes, aint' that just typical of the female psyche!), and with me apparently being destined to become some small town's resident cat lady, that poses a problem of GIGANTIC proportions.
So, to bring this 360ยบ, sleepless nights I have no problem with, I mean, that just comes (I wish) naturally to me these days, but I dearly wish the reason I lay burning in my bed was not solely due to the season.
So.......aaaaaaaannnnyway, hopefully I'll have sex again before I spontaneously combust, or dry up. (Please, please, pretty please, with cherry and all!).
Lack of Sex. Or, the lack of any kind of sexual conduct.
Now, I believe, that in order to be a fulfilled human bean/being/whatever, I need to embrace all the aspects that make me ... well... me. Which includes the sad, oh, so very sad, severely underutilised sexual, sensual side.
Sadly, oh, so very sadly, my physical experience has been very limited. I'm saying sadly, because I've always felt that I have to supress my sensual side, for the sake of my puritanical upbringing, which dictates that I owe society the debt of being 'a good girl'. I've always had the suspicion that my hormones' reaction to this has been 'good gal, good gal? I spit on good gal...pah! pah! (Sound of spitting on sidewalk, while thumbing nose)!' The current state of affairs (pun intended) does not sit very comfortably on my primly clad shoulders.
Thing is, being a Gemini, with the duality and all, I think that had I been born a few years later, and brought up in a different household, I might have turned out to be a .... well, skank, not to put too fine a point on it. Now, this observation is based on the level of hormonal discomfort experienced during my lenghthy (sigh, gawd damn it, SIGH) "dry" spells.
So, in my eternal search for balance, I have been unable to find even a semblance of resolution to this touchy subject (again, pun intended). I mean, if you knew what went on in my brain - OMG, sometimes I scare myself! A good scared, though, verrrrry veryyyy gooooooodd, anyway, I'm gettin distracted.
I find myself unable to toss off (yep, did it again!) the mantle of years and years' ingrained training, and just (as many of my male friends suggest) go ahead and shag someone, already. With no thought of consequences, shameful feelings, or morals. No can do, buddy. I gotta look myself in the mirror tomarra.
Feelings inevitably enter the scene (and yes, aint' that just typical of the female psyche!), and with me apparently being destined to become some small town's resident cat lady, that poses a problem of GIGANTIC proportions.
So, to bring this 360ยบ, sleepless nights I have no problem with, I mean, that just comes (I wish) naturally to me these days, but I dearly wish the reason I lay burning in my bed was not solely due to the season.
So.......aaaaaaaannnnyway, hopefully I'll have sex again before I spontaneously combust, or dry up. (Please, please, pretty please, with cherry and all!).
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Newsflash
You know what? Today, I’m feeling kinda upbeat.
Now, people who read this regularly will be able to bear witness to the fact that this is not a very familiar feeling for me. It’s kinda like a racy, lacy bra - really really pretty, but it chafes the crap out of you, and leaves that gross red stripe when it’s gone.
Anyway, my point is, I don’t know why, but I am feelin’ fine.
Monday, October 08, 2007
Ya gots 2 hav sum rulz!!!
She said a good day
ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s
when I lie in bed and think of things
that might have been.
Slip slidin’ away – Paul Simon
You know, according to the rules of the Universe, as I see them, what you ask for, you get – in some form or another.
I asked for my ex, I got him,
I asked for a child, I got him, (for the further purposes of this blog, he’s the one GOOD thing I asked for, and got)
I asked for a Native American – I got him (granted, he was Native Canadian – but it was close enough)
I asked for the Alchie (by name) I got him, (before I knew about the drinking problem – jeesh!)
I asked for the Honey (by name), I got him, (again, be careful what you wish for Silly Sylphi Cow)
So – let’s analyse the pattern here, when I ask for people I think would be good for me in relationships, I get them. (The fact that I am usually off by continents, nevermind miles, is to be ignored for now.) But, when I ask for circumstances that I think would be good for me, I don’t. Eg, I asked to emigrate, got as far as a scheduled interview, and no further. I asked for abundance in my finances – boy did I not get that! I asked for a home of our own, I’m still trekking my plants in pots every time we move from rental to rental. I’ve asked for the means to afford a new, reliable car, since the one I have (faithful as she is) won’t last forever, and guess what? I have learned that I am not going to be given these things on a platter, I have to take the first few (hundred) steps, and I’m down with that. I will walk off the bloody edge of the earth, if I knew that on the other side the means to a better life would be mine. It just seems that, no matter how motivated or enthusiastic I am, it don’t work. I mean, I know that the BB’s won’t give me a higher-paying job, they will create the opportunity for me to find a higher paying job, that’s the way it works. But, unless I am totally blind, deaf and dumb, I just ain’t getting no opportunities. No signs, no signals, no calls, no interesting chats – in short, fuck-all.
So, my question is, is everything I have ever learned and believed – wrong? I already know that the values I were brought up with, were up the creek, but since then, I’ve learned and believed other values and principles. Which now, is also proving a tad unreliable. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.
I mean, do I keep on blindly asking for support, and asking and asking and asking – while turning my head from the proof that my “prayers” are going unanswered? Or, do I stop believing altogether, and just plod on, with no stars to steer by? Pretty bleak, that.
See, I just don’t know.
I just don’t know.
ain’t got no rain
She said a bad day’s
when I lie in bed and think of things
that might have been.
Slip slidin’ away – Paul Simon
You know, according to the rules of the Universe, as I see them, what you ask for, you get – in some form or another.
I asked for my ex, I got him,
I asked for a child, I got him, (for the further purposes of this blog, he’s the one GOOD thing I asked for, and got)
I asked for a Native American – I got him (granted, he was Native Canadian – but it was close enough)
I asked for the Alchie (by name) I got him, (before I knew about the drinking problem – jeesh!)
I asked for the Honey (by name), I got him, (again, be careful what you wish for Silly Sylphi Cow)
So – let’s analyse the pattern here, when I ask for people I think would be good for me in relationships, I get them. (The fact that I am usually off by continents, nevermind miles, is to be ignored for now.) But, when I ask for circumstances that I think would be good for me, I don’t. Eg, I asked to emigrate, got as far as a scheduled interview, and no further. I asked for abundance in my finances – boy did I not get that! I asked for a home of our own, I’m still trekking my plants in pots every time we move from rental to rental. I’ve asked for the means to afford a new, reliable car, since the one I have (faithful as she is) won’t last forever, and guess what? I have learned that I am not going to be given these things on a platter, I have to take the first few (hundred) steps, and I’m down with that. I will walk off the bloody edge of the earth, if I knew that on the other side the means to a better life would be mine. It just seems that, no matter how motivated or enthusiastic I am, it don’t work. I mean, I know that the BB’s won’t give me a higher-paying job, they will create the opportunity for me to find a higher paying job, that’s the way it works. But, unless I am totally blind, deaf and dumb, I just ain’t getting no opportunities. No signs, no signals, no calls, no interesting chats – in short, fuck-all.
So, my question is, is everything I have ever learned and believed – wrong? I already know that the values I were brought up with, were up the creek, but since then, I’ve learned and believed other values and principles. Which now, is also proving a tad unreliable. I just don’t know what to believe anymore.
I mean, do I keep on blindly asking for support, and asking and asking and asking – while turning my head from the proof that my “prayers” are going unanswered? Or, do I stop believing altogether, and just plod on, with no stars to steer by? Pretty bleak, that.
See, I just don’t know.
I just don’t know.
It was black and whispery like the rain .......
I was bruised and battered and I couldn't tell
what I felt
I was unrecognisable to myself
I saw my own reflection in a window, I didn't know
my own face
Oh Brother are you gonna leave me
wastin' away
on the streets of Philadelphia?
I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
at night I could hear the blood in my veins
it was black and whispery as the rain
on the streets of Philadelphia
Ain’t no angel gonna greet me
It’s just you and I, my friend
And my clothes don’t fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip this skin
The night has fallen, I’m lyin awake
I can feel myself fading away
So, receive me brother, with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other, alone like this?
On the streets of Philadelphia….
Bruce Springsteen
what I felt
I was unrecognisable to myself
I saw my own reflection in a window, I didn't know
my own face
Oh Brother are you gonna leave me
wastin' away
on the streets of Philadelphia?
I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone
at night I could hear the blood in my veins
it was black and whispery as the rain
on the streets of Philadelphia
Ain’t no angel gonna greet me
It’s just you and I, my friend
And my clothes don’t fit me no more
I walked a thousand miles
Just to slip this skin
The night has fallen, I’m lyin awake
I can feel myself fading away
So, receive me brother, with your faithless kiss
Or will we leave each other, alone like this?
On the streets of Philadelphia….
Bruce Springsteen
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