A picture is worth a Thousand Words

The Artist formerly known as Chief Advisor

Has been let go. After a lifetime of sharing (as much as I can, which is probably about 75%) of my confidences with CA, we had a very interesting impromptu “You wanna know something funny? I find you hard to love” kind of heart-to-heart. This was prompted by a remark from my side ……….. You had to be there, but,

Here’s how it went down:

Sylphi: “I always get the feeling I’m bothering him when I ask him to help me out with something.”
Chief Advisor: “Maybe it’s because he thinks you’re as untidy and disorganised in your workplace as you are at home.”
Sylphi: ?
Chief Advisor: “You know, like how people don’t want to come visit you at home…..?”
(Aside: NO idea what she’s talking about here)
Sylphi: “OUCH! What the hell? Who doesn’t want to come visit me?”
Chief Advisor: “ I’m just talking in general here, no specifically about you!”
Sylphi: “But this whole discussion is about me!”
(Upon which it all goes pear-shaped rather rapidly, and ends with me in tears, and still no clue.)
Fast Forward to next day
Chief Advisor: “I am SO sorry I tried to give you advice. Just stop me if I ever try to give you advice again!”
Sylphi: “Advice? That is so not the problem, I don’t want advice from you, I want your support, and just to know that you have my back. And by the way, why is it that everyone else in your life gets showered with affection, but I don’t?”
Chief Advisor: “It’s cos you are really difficult to love, and cos you don’t ask for affection, so I won’t give you any if you don’t ask.”

Which pretty much ended it for me, right there. I am of the opinion that love is something you give someone because of the way YOU feel about them, and not cos they asked you for it. Besides, it’s a sad world indeed when children have to start begging for affection from their parents. I pray I never get so disconnected that I tell my son something like that.

So, that’s that, then. We talk, like “do you need help with dinner?” etc, but I decided that, if my trying to be her child makes her feel she has to work at loving me, I’d rather treat her like a housemate. Friendly, but distant, I’m keeping my distance, and so is she. I sure hope it makes things easier for her. Live and learn heh? Live and learn.

Nuffin to say

There. Just in case someone was wonderin'.
Maybe later.

I'm trying ..............

Thing is, I don’t really know how to describe the way I feel lately. I know what it feels like to be in ‘holding pattern’ – this ain’t it. I know what despairing feels like – this ain’t it. I know what numbness feels like – this ain’t it. I know what anticipation feels like – this ain’t it.

You think a puddle of mercury can have ripples? I feel like a puddle of mercury. Heavy and quiet.

And like the only thing that can disturb me, is my own impatience. Everywhere I turn for advice, signs, whatever, I get: “Be patient”. Fuckit. This is not one of my character strengths. I can be patient, but Geasus, it takes so LONG. I feel like I’m perpetually sitting with my foot tapping under the table, shifting position, then facing the window, then the aisle, muttering under my breath, “I can be patient, I can be patient, I can be….. FAAAAAAARK….. I can be patient, I can be ………………… Geasus, Mary and Josephus, I can be fuckin’ PATIENT…………..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(That last bit was me running away screaming.)

Dog Dreams

Just had to write this one down! I was on the back of a bakkie (pick-up, in US talk), with a few other unidentified individuals, driving around, when we stopped on a farm, two oldish (gentle)men (looking kinda trailer-park-ish, if we're staying with the American theme) stepped out from somewhere, accompanied by a HUGE brown dog. Huge, as in, face-level with me, sitting on the back of the bakkie, huge.

And, boy, was it ever pissed! Growling, foaming at the mouth, looking and sounding extremely threatening. I'm not sure what it did to justify my behaviour, but, still sitting on the bakkie, I gave the dog a 'snot klap', which is a very scientific term for a very hard slap, on the nose. Next thing, the giant dog turns it's furious I-will-swallow-you-whole face, into a puppy face, and decides that it adores me. So, I jump off the bakkie, and the dog immediately attaches it to my side, where it stays as I stroll around, my hand on it's head, which reaches my shoulder. (Like I said - BIG DOG). It is affectionate and sweet and loving to me, and the 2 guys it belonged to, are simply amazed. I, on the other hand, love the dog right back, and it's like we've been together forever. We proceed to explore the abosolutely beautiful jungle-like forest on the farm together. Hand on head. Connected by more than just the physical.

Nice dream, if a little strange.