Now, don’t get me wrong, I am in exactly the same spot, emotionally, as I was when I did the previous post. It’s just that something strangely positive happened, and that, in my life, is rare.
I’ve been having these running battles with the Beautiful Ones, telling them that I don’t want to be here, and then waking up again …. Here…..and cursing them for not listening. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Spent Easter weekend with the Father’s side of the family, and surprised myself by telling The Sister, that, should I get the opportunity now, I would skip the country, and had to hold back a gasp, realising, I’ve said it! There’s now taking it back now!
And then, yesterday, I was surfing, having typed “working abroad” as my Yahoo search. Stumbled upon a site for a reqruitment agency placing contractors in the Cayman Islands. Thinking to myself “ that actually sounds rather ideal”, I did a little more research, and decided that if, one day, I actually get my shit together, I’ll send them my CV.
The shit I need to get together, is a document my employer has owed me for the past 2 tax seasons, without which, I am basically screwed. So, I can’t really go anywhere until he does the right thing.
Anyway, to get back to the original storyline… I visited a book store nearby, and saw that they’re having a sale. There’s this book I’ve been eyeing for months now, but it’s priced way to high, so yesterday I interrupted the battle I was having with the Beautiful Ones (in my mind, of course), to remark that it would be really great to find that book on sale, kinda as a way to illustrate how nothing’s going my way these days, I walked around the sale tables, and lo and behold, against the wall ….the book I want. Marked down, ever so slightly. Still can’t afford it, but it sorta felt like the Beautiful Ones was trying to rub my nose in it. Maybe trying to tell me that they were still around, and that they were looking out for me.
Getting back to the office, the boss informs me that he spent his Easter Weekend doing his taxes, which are in arrears with at least 4 years, and that the documents he owes me, are on their way!!!
I refuse to become all optimistic and bushy-tailed about the future, but hey, at least I feel like there’s someone up there listening to me, again. So maybe, I’ll stop shouting at them for a moment every now and then. And maybe, just maybe, I’m not as gone as I thought.
Then again, maybe it’s that bastard Hope trying to burrow its way in again.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
My Life Is Complicated
An idiot I used to know told me this once, as an excuse not to have to deal with me. (On an aside, I find it interesting how I struggle to chug along my pleasantly neutral lines these days, I used to be able to call ANYONE “nice”.)
Aaaaanyway, initially, it really pissed me off that he would use such a flimsy excuse. Then, I thought about the remark, and came to the conclusion that, although he used it as a really bad reason to avoid being honest with me, he was actually right, in a round-about kinda way.
I’ve even been able to discern certain reasons as to why someone else might perceive this to be accurate, which I will now proceed to list (in no particular order):
• I am a single mom, and place my son’s welfare above everything else;
• We share a house with my mom, who is unable to afford living alone, so should I find alternate accommodation, she’s basically homeless;
• I expect to be treated as an equal, and not a ‘helpless’ woman;
• We collectively have 6 dogs, 1 cat, 2 rats, and around 5 fish (last count);
• I lug a huge amount of emotional baggage around with me, especially about men;
• My religious views are not exactly ‘mainstream’;
• I shun most traditional views and rituals;
• I know what I don’t want, as opposed to what I want;
• As the years trot by, I become more and more crusty and full of shit;
• I’m not easily intimidated;
• I want more kids;
• The one (kid) I have has ADHD, and has to follow a special eating plan, together with being ‘brushed’ (yes, like grooming a puppy) every day. The ADHD makes him really, really, active, and really, really, demanding when it comes to attention.
Now, I can certainly see how that might make me ‘complicated’ in people’s eyes, don’t you? (Yeah, took me a while, too, but hey, different strokes, and all that). So, more reasons I guess, proving why I’m better off alone.
Now, if only I could convince my heart of that, we’ll be a little less miserable (I’m just guessing at this stage).
Aaaaanyway, initially, it really pissed me off that he would use such a flimsy excuse. Then, I thought about the remark, and came to the conclusion that, although he used it as a really bad reason to avoid being honest with me, he was actually right, in a round-about kinda way.
I’ve even been able to discern certain reasons as to why someone else might perceive this to be accurate, which I will now proceed to list (in no particular order):
• I am a single mom, and place my son’s welfare above everything else;
• We share a house with my mom, who is unable to afford living alone, so should I find alternate accommodation, she’s basically homeless;
• I expect to be treated as an equal, and not a ‘helpless’ woman;
• We collectively have 6 dogs, 1 cat, 2 rats, and around 5 fish (last count);
• I lug a huge amount of emotional baggage around with me, especially about men;
• My religious views are not exactly ‘mainstream’;
• I shun most traditional views and rituals;
• I know what I don’t want, as opposed to what I want;
• As the years trot by, I become more and more crusty and full of shit;
• I’m not easily intimidated;
• I want more kids;
• The one (kid) I have has ADHD, and has to follow a special eating plan, together with being ‘brushed’ (yes, like grooming a puppy) every day. The ADHD makes him really, really, active, and really, really, demanding when it comes to attention.
Now, I can certainly see how that might make me ‘complicated’ in people’s eyes, don’t you? (Yeah, took me a while, too, but hey, different strokes, and all that). So, more reasons I guess, proving why I’m better off alone.
Now, if only I could convince my heart of that, we’ll be a little less miserable (I’m just guessing at this stage).
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