What made me smile today ....

2 beautiful, fearless, female sparrows browsing a supermarket aisle with me. Chattering as they sat in the aisle, waiting for me to pass before flying to the top shelf.

Hi, my name is Sylphi, and I’m an Obsessive Compulsive

I count stuff, add stuff, divide stuff, drive myself bonkers, in short. I obsessively ponder past relationships, and never never ever give up on “why did this happen”, “why did that happen”, even though it has NO relevance on where I am currently. I hash over all 4 my major past relationships on a daily basis. I can tell you exactly how many ‘s’, ‘r’s, and t’s there are on the notice behind the toilet door. And when driving behind a car, give me 2 minutes, and I’ll tell you what the registration plate adds up to, or make a word with the letters. I know, it’s silly. But, it bugs the shit out of me.

Not many people know that I spend a good deal of my time on meaningless, distracting, repetative actions. Told TAFKN Chief Advisor once. “MM, good for enhancing your math abilities” she says. And I’m thinking, ooh, great take on a mental disorder, I gotta remember that!

Actually, today I was gonna blog about my aching joints, to be precise my aching right shoulder and hip joints. But, upon being told by TAF…Chief Advisor that this is due to a feeling of being unloved (as stated by a well-known spiritually minded guru), I changed my mind. Cos, it just rang too true, and frankly, I ain’t in the mood for the whole emotional analysis thingie.

So, my OCD is what you got instead. Lucky you.

Animé Me

When I picture myself I in my mind, I do so in a variety of ways. There’s the image I see in the mirror, and let’s face it, we all have an inaccurate view of what we see, don’t we? Then there’s the way I picture myself when doing chakra activation, like a hieroglyph picture of a person, all linear and beautiful. There’s Bullet-Proof Girl, who’s more like a cardboard cut-out to put in front of the real me, when Real Me is scared witless. And then, the picture I want to chat about, there’s the (mmm, I’m unsure of what to call her….) subconscious, emotive part of me, I guess.

Her, I see as an animé-type cartoon girl, in a very specific setting. This started probably about 2 years ago, when she started out as this character sitting on an athol probably about 2mx2m, with her head down on her knees. She only very rarely lifted her blonde head, to reveal tired, sad blue eyes, shiny with tears. Then, she progressed to getting up and pacing this Lilliputhian island, calling to someone. I could never quite get who she was looking for, but the emotion she projected was desperation, laced with a tad of hysteria. She stopped calling after a few months, and even the pacing finally came to an end. She sat down again, which in a way, was even sadder than the calling. I made an effort for a while, not to think about her, and not to look for her in my mind.

These days, when I think of her, she’s walking briskly along a dirt road in a jungle somewhere, and doing this funny little sideways jig every few steps. Her heart has lost the heaviness, and her eyes are shining with smiles, like she’s trying hard not to laugh out loud at a private joke. She makes me wanna share the smile, and her happiness makes me catch my breath, before I settle down. I don’t know where she’s going, and I don’t much care, as long as the jig and the sheer joy stays, I’m good!

General Pissed-offedness

Ok, today I have something to gripe about. Big time. That eternal struggle most women have (and some men, too, although they seriously avoid admitting it!) , WEIGHT. More specifically, weight gain. And, inevitably, the desire for weight loss.

I have never been hugely overweight, and probably won’t be, because as a general rule, I eat healthy-ish. But, past the horrors of the December holiday season, I have not gotten unscathed. I’ve gained weight. Not a huge amount, but enough in the wrong places, to piss me off. I HATE the feeling of a belt or band that strains against my tummy. I HATE IT. I hate pulling my shirt up, and seeing ANY kind of flab even suggesting a ‘hang-over’ on said belt or band. Sweet lord Krishna, I DETEST IT, in the most serious terms imaginable. Because, this is the difficult area of my body, my upper abs, no existo. So, the holiday season, coupled with an expired gym subscription, created the most abominable of mornings today. A tight fitting skirt, with the beginnings of a ‘hang-over’. Immediate pissed-offedness. Immediate thoughts of purchasing a bottle of “Jungle Juice”, a very popular pharmacy mix of appetite surpressants, and stimulants like caffeine, that makes the rounds around here in summer – a lot – that I generally scoff at. Vile stuff that sends the gag reflex into overdrive when smelled. Thing is, I’m usually not part of the whole “Oooh, I need to loose some weight” scene, basically that attitude women display, irritates the crap out of me. But, when I feel like I have to pull at my clothes like an impatient 2-year old, I get pretty angry.

Yes, I should invest in some kind of exercise. The problem though, is multi-dimensional. I currently have NO financial resources. I currently have no running shoes. I do not currently own a bicycle. I do not currently have a season ticket to our public pool. I cannot go for walks at home, it is not safe. So, this is all adding to the general pissed-offedness I am experiencing at the moment. I am absolutely and totally disgusted with my body, and that is not good.

Greetings from the Goddess

I haven’t blogged in quite a while, and I have no legitimate reasons for it. Just haven’t had that much to gripe about, I guess. And no, I'm not referring to myself in the title, read on, and all will become clear.

As I’ve decided that this is going to be a MUCH better year than last, I’m determined not to give in to the blues I inspire in myself, so easily. So far, it’s going well. ‘Cept for today, today I’m too tired to be cheery…… Feels like I didn’t sleep at all. Though I probably did, but not much. Part insomnia, part restless brain, BIG part mosquito party on any of my exposed limbage.

What never ceases to amaze me, is the extent to which me being in a good space, affects the people around me. And I don’t only mean the people in my immediate vicinity. I’m talking about people like JC, and Internet friends that I’ve stopped contact with mooooooooonths ago, all of a sudden try to make contact again. It’s just too strange to be co-incidental. I’ve had sms’s from JC three times this year already! Which is probably the same amount as the whole of last year!! Weird, but nice weird.

Had a strange little encounter with a snake the other day: I was fiddling with a climber I planted by my front door, trying to get it to go up a pillar it doesn’t like. Stepping back, I noticed a snake, placidly eyeing me, about 10 centimetres from where I’d just been fiddling. Now, as is programmed into most mammals with a bit of sense, snakes scare me, but, I usually fight the urge to DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY that most people get, because I also respect them greatly. They are beautiful, remarkable creatures. So, I screamed like a banshee and summoned TAFKA Chief Advisor to the scene, grabbed a stick and we proceeded to remove the snake from the yard, as gently as possible. When it was safely on the other side of the fence, and being encouraged (rather artlessly with said stick) to move slither into the grasses, it hissed and showed off a beautiful pitch black palate. Not good for the nerves, but gorgeous. Turns out, it was most probably a “Eiervreter” (Egg Eater), non-venomous. Now, I’ve been wondering about this, and checked out what the symbolism behind a snake would be, which is, wait for it……… Rebirth, the shedding of old skin/ lives and starting afresh. Now isn’t that a beautiful message? Snakes are associated with the Archetypal Goddess, the one from before all religions, because of the way women were seen as magical beings, who could bleed and not die, and give birth to new life.

Thanks, Beautiful One, I appreciate the sentiment.

Stuff so far

One friend had a baby boy, very skinny, with a very Don King-esque hairstyle.

One friend got engaged.

One friend started a new job.

One friend found out she's pregnant, and single.

JC disappeared into the ether - again.

Baby Bro just left for a 3 month stint in the US.

My baby starts school tomorrow.

Still feel optimistic, this is going to be the Good Year.

This year will be different!

I have decreed it so. I’ve decided that I’m having a great 2008.

So, welcome baby 2008, I’m convinced we’re off on brilliant adventures, you and I. Hang on to your hat, we’re gonna kick us up some happiness!