Thirteenth Floor

Where do I start? How do I explain just how badly bent I might be?

I am starting to look at spending the rest of my life alone as a real possibility, once again. The fearI feel is definitely not normal, but even if I try to analyse it, it's like buildings with no thirteenth floor, you know there's supposed to be this extra layer between 12 and 14, but you just can't find it, it's gone.

Holdup!

What a conflicting day! Yesterday one of the guys I've been "chatting" to on the IDS, asked me to meet for coffee this weekend. I took home a copy of his profile, to discuss this with my sometime-advisor, my mom. She advised me to go for it, I saw an image of myself as a dog put on a leash for the first time in it's life, and struggling like crazy not to concede to it.

I kinda made up my mind to say yes, but then, when I got yet another meaningless mail from him, I changed my mind and asked for a raincheck, explaining that I've been out of circulation for a long time, and had to scratch some courage together. His reply: Ok, he hopes I find the person I'm looking for. So I said, thanks, same to him.

I've decided that I'm immediately gonna chill out on the whole relationship thing, cos what I'm doing now, is IN NO WAY, fun. Someone very wise once said, if what you're doing, isn't fun, or doesn't make you happy, don't do it.

So, although I'm not quitting (cos the angels said not to), I am as of now, not having any more panic attacks worrying about having to meet strangers, or feeling like a failure because my mom thinks I'm being a coward. So there, if that's not the plan Universe, you'd better devise a different strategy, cos I ain't playing in this game no more.

Sela.

The rest of it.

The rest of the blog I wanted to do yesterday.

Internet Dating:

Yesterday I'd decided I'd had enough, after blocking yet another guy who didn't bother to even read my profile, and didn't meet my requirements.

So, during my lunchtime, I went browsing with my mother, and she bought a packet of Angel Oracle cards. Beautiful message cards that you use either to receive an inspirational message from the angels, or to do tarot-like spread with. So, I do a spread, and guess what the cards tell me, I should continue with the Internet thing, and let go of my fear of change. Ok, so I'm staying on the site. Cos the angels said so.

Still sceptical, but I'd rather stay and maybe meet someone worthwhile, and quit and wonder ever after.

I'm including a picture of my Misha, cos I miss him, he's holidaying with his father.

Not my Fault!

Phew!

I have been trying for weeks to sign in to blog! Seriously, haven't been able to, don't know why.

Ok, so here I am, again. Update:
Internet Dating, total bust, met two guys that seemed interesting, one left a cryptic message saying that there's other stuff going on in his life, and he can't chat. The other one promised to get back to me over a weekend, and didn 't. So much for the "trustworthy" part of his profile. The rest: LOADS of messages only stating: "Hey beautiful/pragtig/mooi ding, how you doin'", and yes, picture the whole Joey (Friends) attitude there. Which, I have to say, does nothing for me, but to piss me off. Told most of those off. The guys I did decide to chat to, is slowly revealing themselves, and I've taken to blocking them when we reach the stage where they become just another dick in the loooooooooooong line of dicks.

I'm bored with it, and seriously considering deleting my profile, and leaving.

Online dating, and new realities

I have joined an online dating service. Shocking, I know! I have to say I have more than a few reservations about the whole online dating thing, maar nou ja. I just had the feeling I should this morning, so I did. Have received a message from what seems like a player, and one from a married guy, looking for a 'good' time with a 'good' friend,( did I mention that he's married?) (the inv commas where in his bio) not my idea, once again - he's married. Needless to say, I don't think they'll go on my "Possibles" list.

New rule, listening to the instincts, inner voice, whatever you wanna call it.

Working on 'creating' myself a new reality, and yes, I do realise that that sounds more than a little wacky. It's what I'm doing, so get over it. Emotionally, I feel so much better than I have in a looooooooong while. Physically, I'm feeling weak, like a little baby. No strength. But, I'm thinking that has something to do with al the changes, my body needs time to catch up, so I'm not getting impatient with it. It'll do what it has to.

Puddle of mud

I am feeling very freaky! Burning up from the inside, and having a serious hayfever morning, so I'm full of snot, my eyes are watering, and I feel like I don't have the energy to lift my arm. It's not that I mind whatever's happening, it's just that I mind feeling like flycrap!

Ah well, I'm gonna stagger off to the nearest supermarket for tissues, and something very sweet, sugar rush always helps for the energy.

Blog more when I feel a little less like a puddle of mud.