Burnin' the crap out

I feel as if I'm having "hot flushes". Now, there are 2 possible explanations. It can be that I'm going through menopause 20 years early, or, more likely, it could have something to do with the work I'm doing on myself right now. Feels like all the crap that I've been storing up in my cells, are being burned right out. Yay!

I'm not telling everything just yet, but I'm working on getting great, not better, great!

Hold thumbs.

I, Creatress

I am working on a few miracles. Will keep you updated.

Sylphi, the scary ghost

South Africa is quite heavily involved in "peace-keeping" on the African continent. Now, what that means, is that there are lots of South Africans involved in the security sector, stationed in other African countries.

My sister is going to Sudan in a little more than a month's time. She has two boys, one the same age as Misha, 5, and one 6. She's leaving them with their father for 6 months. She volunteered for the special duties, cos she thinks it'll give them a financial boost.

This morning I had the scary thought that I should let her find out while she's there, whether there'd be any opportunities for someone like me, maybe with the UN, or something. Now, I find this train of thought frightening because ever since his birth, almost 6 years ago, I have never been separated from my son for more than 1 month. And now, suddenly, I'm considering leaving him with his father for a considerable length of time, something I would never even have thought about before.

I'm starting to scare myself.

Apathy & Isolation

I've done it! I've finally managed to close off that part of me that wants companionship and hates it to have this empty, shallow life.

So what if that means that I have absolutely no wish to have contact with anybody, and that I'd rather be completely alone in a sensory-deprivation tank, that life the rest of this goddamned life. It's ok, not to miss any of the people I have been in daily contact with for years, and it's ok to watch other people's joys and sorrow with detachment. It's even ok to notice in passing that I am sad, or angry, and feel like those emotions are situated in a part of my body that's not really connected to my brain.

It's ok, bacause it means that I stay sane. I'm not going crazy anymore. I'm as hollow as a drum, but at least I'm a sane drum.

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces

worn out places, worn out faces

bright and early for their daily races

going nowhere, going nowhere

and their tears are filling up their glasses,

no expression, no expression.

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

no tomorrow, no tomorrow.

*

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad,

the dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had.

I find it hard to tell you

cos I find it hard to take.

When people run in circles

it's a very, very

mad world.

*

Children waiting for the day they feel good

"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday"

Made to feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen!

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

"Hello teacher, tell me, what's my lesson"

Look right through me, look right through me.

*

And I find it kinda funny

I find it kinda sad,

the dreams in which I'm dying

are the best I've ever had.

I find it hard to tell you

cos I find it hard to take.

When people run in circles

it's a very, very

mad world.

**

Tears for Fears

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

Exhaustion has claimed me once again. Feels like there's just no rest, anywhere. I am physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually finished. Like I've been running on emergency power, and that's gone now. Like the mere fact that I'm sitting upright, is a minor wonder. Don't know what's keeping me alive.

Insomnia has returned in all its glory, and I am having a very stressful time, which takes it's toll on my body, too. Sure sign, I have a certain spot on my shoulder blade, right side, that starts aching when my nerves are really, really frayed. And it's aching, right now, like it has been for about 5 days now. Strange thing about that, my mom had it pretty much permanently before she left my father, so bad that she sometimes couldn't get up in the mornings, and I had to learn massaging skills pretty fast. It gradually got less severe, and returned less and less. Now she still gets it, but only very infrequently.

Mine's in the exact same place, just the side's different. Hers left, mine right.

I try to focus on the detail when I feel like this, cos looking at the big pic ture, freaks me out. Plus it's like, when you get caught up in small things, it makes the drama of the rest look a little more blurry, like it's farther away. Illusion is a grand thing.

The Valentine's Grinch

I feel a little like I'm sure the Grinch must feel at Christmas time. Like I want to snarl and growl at anybody who looks remotely romantic today. Yep, it's THAT day, fucking Valentine's Day. Never been able to get the reason we celebrate the death of a Catholic saint centuries ago (I think) by proclaiming undying love, and buying underwear.

Then again, I've never been the girl who has so many admirers that you have to step over the flowers to get to her. Nope, I was always the one the weird guys sent smarmy, geeky cards to. The kind you're scared to open cos the envelope's kinda sticky. That's me.

Hate it! Hate it! People who, all year round, treat each other like they're enemies or servants, rather than lovers, all of a sudden get soooooo carried away that they just HAVE to buy horendous, unimaginative Hallmark Cards, and chocolate, that yesterday cost R20, and is today, R80. And don't even get me started on red roses!

On the other hand, here's a little poem for all the rose-buyers:

Red roses, red roses
you've all got brown noses.

Mwua! Luv u 2!