Bring on the miracles.

Remember that miracle man I was going to go looking for? Still AWOL, if he actually exists. I'm absent myself next week, but not without leave, I have an actual signed leave application (Take the hint, you bloody miracle mongrel!). Sorry, feeling a bit aggro this morning.

I don't want to give up on love, I don't I don't I don't! But, sweet jesus, how the hell do I keep holdin' on to something that I've only ever heard of? Kinda like the Tasmanian Tiger, people keep seeing it, but it's never been properly documented, and according to science it's been extinct for decades. Or like Bigfoot, only seen by drunken, doubtful hicks that take grainy pictures of cousins in gorilla suits. Or the Loch Ness Monster. The stuff of deception and legend.

Anyway, I'm back under the radar emotionally speaking, I've managed to tame the animal in me that tries to tear through my skin every now and then. Back to smooth and steady. Hopefully, I'll be able to get this awful season over without another outbreak threat. Gawd, I hate the holiday season!

Plans further on: doing the last shopping and preparations this weekend, taking my brother to see a movie. Leaving Christmas morning for Makhado, to spend the day with mom's family, coming back same day. Then basically staying at home doing things I don't get the chance to do during normal working days. Like move around Misha's room, etc. Then spending New Year's at home (by choice), like I have the past 4 years. Then back to work on the 2nd. Oh joy! I can hardly contain my excitement.

Yule is over, last night was solstice. In the Southern Hemisphere this signals the height of summer, and the turning of the season towards winter. I've been having that hibernating feeling for a long time, so it'll be good when the season finally catches up with me.

I'm out, another miserable Christmas ahead. To all the happy people out there, I wish you continued happiness. To all the not-happy people out there, I wish us all miracles.

Deeper and deeper I go

Bad, bad day. It started yesterday afternoon, there's this guy that visits our office every now and then (so I hear), who thinks I have nice legs. Fine, I have no problem with that. Now I hear he's been asking about me, am I married, blah blah blah. No problem with that, either. I mean, he can do what he likes, right? He's not bothering me. I know his name, and asked my friend whether he knows him yesterday at lunch. Turns out he does. They went to school together. His reaction? "He just wants to bonk you!" Oooooookay. And this is gonna help me get over my agression toward men ...... how, exactly? If even guys think that about guys .... argh! let me not start that again.

So, I tell my mom the story, expecting her to laugh, nope, she agrees. Again, isn't anybody LISTENING????? I need some positive reinforcement here!!!!! That aside, next soryline.

I mentioned waaaaaayyy before, that I have a disabled brother, well, he's staying with us for now, he's spending Christmas with mom, so he's been staying with my sis during the day, and then we pick him up after gym, and go home. Last night he informs us that he brought money to go see a movie, and we discuss which movie he'd enjoy. We did not, however talk about when this movie would be watched, so he apparently decided it was to be last night. After dinner he asks me whether we're going to the movies and I tell him, no. He storms out, and ignores me for the rest of the night. Before then, as we arrived home, he tell me he knows a secret, now my brother cannot keep a secret, and most of all, he loves telling people what they're getting for Christmas. Now, I like surprises, so I always beg him not to tell me, which he usually does anyway. So last night, I ask him not to tell me the secret. As we get home and start the trek from the car to the house, he asks my mother whether he can tell me, so I say "No! I don't want to know!", upon which I get shouted at that I'm making it very difficult for him, he just want to appologise for my toaster he broke, and give me a new one (that my mom bought). But she was really hurtful about it, and that upset me. So, he appologises and gives me this godawful orange toaster. Fine, I'm happy about the fact that I can give my son his favourite breakfast again. I'm just really upset about being the one that everybody's frustration gets poured out on. I don't really know how to fix it though, without getting bitchy and nasty myself.

To be honest, I haven't felt this shut down in months, if not years. And now, I remember how much I hate this feeling. So, I started the day resolving to find out why exactly I'm feeling so hurt, and fix it. Maybe I can fix it before I get totally wedged in the mud. Start the swimming to the top, instead of sinking to the bottom, while I'm still halfway down.

I miss my son, horrendously.

Phew!

Almost lost you there! Haven't been able to sign in on my blog all morning, now all of sudden I can! Yay!!

Yesterday got a call from one of my bestest friends, who moved away, and is back now. We had lunch to catch up, which was really nice! I'm very attached to the friends I have, and missed him A LOT! There's a very old song I used to listen to when I was small, that describes it accurately. I'll have to translate, but it basically says that 'the people that I love, grows on me like moss, there I let them thrive, and when one leaves, it leaves a wound that just won't heal', well, that's how I feel about my friends. Like a little hermit crab that searches for a shell that fits just right, then adds a beautiful anemone, and builds layers to buffer itself the outside world, covering itself in beautiful, strong things.

We have a tentative lunch date for today again, so I hope I'll be seeing him again this afternoon, I still haven't refilled totally, I need more time till I can continue normally.

A start

Still holding on to the sentiments expressed yesterday, holding out for faith. I am working on it, damn it! Can't scale Kilimanjaro in a day, you know. So far I haven't gotten angry at any staring men, and I only cursed at one man yesterday, cos he was driving like his ass.

I am being nice, which is a start.

Fallen

Heaven bend to take my hand

and lead me through the fire

be the long awaited answer

to a long and painful fight.

Truth be told I've tried my best

but somewhere along the way

I got caught up in all there was to offer

and the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know

so don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

We all begin with good intent

love was raw and young.

We believed that we could change ourselves

the past could be undone.

But we carry on our backs the burden

time always reveals

in the lonely light of morning

in the wound that would not heal.

It's the bitter taste of losing everything

that I've held so dear.

I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know ...

So don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

Heaven bend to take my hand

nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to those I thought were friends

to everyone I know

Oh they turn their heads embarrassed

pretend that they don't see

but it's one missed step

one slip before you know it

and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen ...

I have sunk so low

I messed up

better I should know

So don't come round here

and tell me I told you so ...

Sarah McLachlan

Accepting faith

I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to believe in faith. I just don't know how, yet. My weekend was pleasant, peaceful, if uneventful, that was by choice. I went to watch a movie with my mom and brother, worked in the vegetable garden, and generally took it easy.

All along I've been trying to analyse faith, to find out how you actually work it, what the method is behind it. Stupid, eh? I know, there is no logic, or instructions, you either have it, or you don't. So, now I have to work on accepting things I canoot prove. In other areas of my life, that's never been a problem, I mean, I believe in magick, I believe in the feyfolk, angels, all kinds of creatures and powers I can't prove. But, once again, I have felt them, I have worked magick and know it's powerful and exists, I have felt the presence of angels, and faeries, so I have experienced them. Now, I have to have that same belief of something I've never experienced, so that'll definitely be more of a challenge.

Hold thumbs for me, I'm venturing out in a big bad world, with nothing but faith to keep me safe.

The pic is there to help me gather courage, and act less like a scared child, if only for his sake.

Instead of the answer (or no answer, ever), I was dreading from JC, I got a joke. That's right, he chose to go the neutral route, and send me a joke. Not quite what I expected, but in the place of resentment, or any such emotions, I am totally resigned to his neutrality. I was relieved to hear from him, to be honest, and prefer exchanging jokes to any deep, meaningful conversations, which is what I thought I'd want. He is, and will probably be for a long time, a part of my life, whether I chose it, or not. Finally, I can think about him in the nostalgic, sentimental way you think about people who enriched your life, then moved on. I wish him happiness, and success. And I miss him, but not that raw, intense missing that hurts so bad it makes you gasp. It's a more mellow missing, which is infinitely preferable. Gonna try and keep it that way.

Faith makes no sense

Last night, I had a debate about faith with my mom. Not the religious kind of faith, mind you, just the ability to have faith in general. Or, in my case, having faith that there are "good" men somewhere, and that I will meet one of them sometime. This was all triggered by my visit to my collegue. After basically licking me clean, and swallowing me whole on Wednesday (figuratively), yesterday he was cold, and very businesslike. So, seeing as I couldn't really miss it, I took my cue from him, dropped off the gifts, and hightailed it outta there. Now before that, in my not-so-worldwise opinion, he was on the list of one day being qualified as a "good" man.

Let's examine the factors that contributed to this opinion, shall we:

• He is very thoughtful;
  
• He speaks quietly, and calmly;
  
• He seems very rational;
  
• He smiles frequently;
  
• He takes forever to loose his temper, and even then, stays calm;
  
• He likes children;
  
• He has a very high work-ethic (and the direction he's in, that's very important).

Looking through the list, it seems a little flimsy. But, I suppose it's the vibe, his aura. I'm just very attracted to his calmness, his solidness. He seems safe, but I know that he has a very sensuous streak beneath the calm exterior, which I like too. Now, I've known him for years, around 6, I think. And we've always had a really great rapport, which occasionally turned into outrageous flirtation, but I never, ever saw him as a potential partner, cos he's in a relationship. Recent evidence that all may not be as it seems with said relationship, is basically what made me think there might be some possibility. Plus, his very obvious attraction, which he didn't really bother to hide much the last couple of months. So, I tried, in my way, to show him that I was interested too, to the point that I got questioned about the amount of times I'd been there.

My point is, I was reacting to what I perceived as very positive signals, and yesterday, that was stopped, rather abruptly. Now, I don't really care about the why, this just changed my opinion of him, the sudden turn-about left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't understand his motives, and even though I don't really feel a burning need to, I feel that he can go take a flying leap right about now. So, the one and only potential "good" guy, has frozen himself right off that very short list.

So, to get back to the debate. I asked her how you can have faith in something, without having anything to support that faith. Let's take a silly example, that dogs have personalities. Some believe they don't, I got my first dog when I was around 7, and have spent my whole life with at least one dog around, at the moment I have 4, plus my mom's 2. And I know, without any doubt, that they have souls and complex personalities. Because I've experienced it, I've seen it, I've felt it. I KNOW IT. So, if someone tells me that no, they don't, I know that that's bullshit, because I know the opposite is true, out of experience.

My question remains: if all I've had from men in my life, is pain, hurt, etc etc etc, and I've come to the conclusion that men are the physical manifestation of the world's evil, and someone tells me that that's not true, without having any proof to convince me, how the hell do I just have blind faith that there are good men? That's just not logical, is it? If someone tells me a peach is a cucumber, and has no way to prove my belief that it's a peach, is wrong, WHY would I believe that it's a cucumber?

Mom told me that I have to have faith, which brought us full circle, no closer to an answer. Right after that, the first program I watched on tv, ended with one of the characters saying something that amounted to us not always having to understand why things happen, but that we have to trust, have faith, regardless. Seeing as I don't believe in coincidence, I get the message. Just not so sure I am able to just blindly believe in something, when everything in me, my very cells, tell me the exact opposite is true.

What the universe is telling me basically, is to chuck all my beliefs about men, formed out of a lifetime's experiences, out the window, and try to become an innocent, naive little girl, at least as far as men are concerned. Forget that I know how drunk men beat their wives, and play nasty, scary, painfull, games with their children, forget that I had my first contact with a penis before I even had the knowledge to be able to deal with it in any kind of way, forget that men has desired me for all the wrong reasons all my life, forget that I'll never earn more, or even as much as a man, because I don't have a penis, no matter how hard I work. Forget that I've locked myself in a room to get away from a sadist, who wanted to hurt me, because he got off on that. Forget that I've had to talk and think myself out of potential rape-situations more than once, forget that men never take my no seriously without me having to repeat it again and again. Forget that I've had to learn to fight dirty, use my looks, manipulate, be someone I don't want to, because that's all men react to. Forget that I am 'less' for being a woman, in each and every man's eyes, that I know. Forget that I have to fight that much harder for everything I have, because I am not a man. Forget that I am being harrassed, and have been harrassed, to the point of changing my address and phone number, by men who won't believe that their insistence is not gonna make me spread my legs. Forget that men have hurt me in every way there is to hurt someone.

Now don't get me wrong, if I had a choice, I would come back as a woman again and again. I don't want to be the being that brings misery, ever. But, I think you get my point, changing my mind about men, is gonna take more than just faith, it'll take a fuckin freshly-baked miracle, and if someone knows where to get those, let me know, I'm all out of ingredients.

I wonder if I'll ever have a different reason to gripe, that'd be rather refreshing. Virgin territory for me, for sure! In the meantime, don't contact me for a whle, I'll be busy scouring the streets for my friendly neighbourhood miracle-man. Yeah, right.