I have realised that the last 2 men I was drawn to, and that was drawn (at least partially) to me, were good guys. Now, this is MAJOR! Cos, my life pattern where men are concerned, basically centred around, the more broken you are, the more Sylphi wants to be used by you!
So, here's one in your eye, Bad Bad Patterns! I am actually moving forward, waving at the snails as they race by.... but still .... it's movement! Good, good news. Just thought I'd share with you.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
What I was going to blog, and couldn't, and what I am officially blogging
What I wanted, to blog, and couldn't, due to Blogger error:
Looking for Love - or - How to Run into a Brick Wall Repeatedly
(Good contender as title for the 'How To' book I am SO qualified to write, don’t you think?)
Stocktaking after the latest romantic disaster, I realised that my forays into the realm of looking for love reads like a masochists wet dream. No, no, for real. I end up wiping bits of my heart off my own face, like a drunk wiping off vomit, clutch around at the pieces I can actually salvage, thank the person who assisted, and toddle off to go and puzzle it 'together' again. Done with that. No more.
As of yesterday, I have ended that chapter in the misadventures-of-a-closet-masochist-specializing-in-mincing-her-own-heart (me), and buried any dream of finding love. Pissed on the spot, just in case I thought of digging it up again. As an extra precaution, I'm wearing rings on my ring finger, which should zap anyone sniffing in my direction from a ways off, so I don't even have the opportunity to grab the barely-there heart, and shove it at the usually bewildered man with the “I-will-fuck-you-up(even more)-emotionally”-sign flashing on his forehead.
No more dreaming of having someone next to me, no more looking at baby clothes, no more even contemplating someone’s potential, no more no more no more nomorenomorenomore. I just don't think I am physically able to withstand the level of pain I put myself through, and deal with the shit choices I make, and stay sane. I AM DONE.
On the up-side, I have been having actual physical heart cramps for a few days, so maybe (hold thumbs with me, here), that means that I'm nearing the end of this particular life, in which I keep choosing to martyr myself on the altar of the god of Fucking Stupidity or, Love, depending on how you look at it. If I do die, there probably won't be any further blogs, but, I don't think too many people out there is gonna notice, so cheers, have a few sweet moments with your beloved in remembrance, why doncha! Tell them you’re celebrating not being a fucking spastic sense-depraved idiot(me).
It's not like I know what I'm missing anyway.
(PS. I did try to make this humorous, but hear me, this hurts, and I can’t take no mo, I just can’t. Please, please, please this needs to end, I am way past caring how it ends, just make it stop already. I’m beggin, honest to god, I’m beggin.)
And what I'm offically blogging for today:
I'm ok. Funnily enough, I am seriously ok. Last night I realised that I might actually not have had any real feelings for Sweetie after all. It may just have been an ego issue. See, I've always been the one who gets told that I'm driving people nuts, and that I'm wanted, blah blah blah. So, I'm thinking that maybe being the one taken for a test drive, instead of being the tester, threw me. Made me loopy for a while. Isn't that just too shallow for words? I also think that part of the problem is that I consider myself ready for The Relationship, and made so many preparations before Sweetie came along, that I decided beforehand he would be It. Thing is, yes, I do think that we have some kind of link, and yes, I am very drawn to him, but, obviously that's gonna wait for the next lifetime, maybe we'll sort it out then. Or, maybe this was about paying karma, which I've always felt I owe him, for treating him the way I did when I was a angst-ridden teen. I am kinda sad, I mean, rejection is never on one's list of fave things to receive, is it? But if it's an ego-issue, damn! I did not think I could be that shallow - Live and learn, heh? I pray the angels of Love drench him in what he wants, he's too good a catch to not have love. For me, nothing's changed, I'm still the same, doing what I do, feeling what I feel. The world turns once again. Whatever this was, it's over, and that's ok. Really, really ok.
Looking for Love - or - How to Run into a Brick Wall Repeatedly
(Good contender as title for the 'How To' book I am SO qualified to write, don’t you think?)
Stocktaking after the latest romantic disaster, I realised that my forays into the realm of looking for love reads like a masochists wet dream. No, no, for real. I end up wiping bits of my heart off my own face, like a drunk wiping off vomit, clutch around at the pieces I can actually salvage, thank the person who assisted, and toddle off to go and puzzle it 'together' again. Done with that. No more.
As of yesterday, I have ended that chapter in the misadventures-of-a-closet-masochist-specializing-in-mincing-her-own-heart (me), and buried any dream of finding love. Pissed on the spot, just in case I thought of digging it up again. As an extra precaution, I'm wearing rings on my ring finger, which should zap anyone sniffing in my direction from a ways off, so I don't even have the opportunity to grab the barely-there heart, and shove it at the usually bewildered man with the “I-will-fuck-you-up(even more)-emotionally”-sign flashing on his forehead.
No more dreaming of having someone next to me, no more looking at baby clothes, no more even contemplating someone’s potential, no more no more no more nomorenomorenomore. I just don't think I am physically able to withstand the level of pain I put myself through, and deal with the shit choices I make, and stay sane. I AM DONE.
On the up-side, I have been having actual physical heart cramps for a few days, so maybe (hold thumbs with me, here), that means that I'm nearing the end of this particular life, in which I keep choosing to martyr myself on the altar of the god of Fucking Stupidity or, Love, depending on how you look at it. If I do die, there probably won't be any further blogs, but, I don't think too many people out there is gonna notice, so cheers, have a few sweet moments with your beloved in remembrance, why doncha! Tell them you’re celebrating not being a fucking spastic sense-depraved idiot(me).
It's not like I know what I'm missing anyway.
(PS. I did try to make this humorous, but hear me, this hurts, and I can’t take no mo, I just can’t. Please, please, please this needs to end, I am way past caring how it ends, just make it stop already. I’m beggin, honest to god, I’m beggin.)
And what I'm offically blogging for today:
I'm ok. Funnily enough, I am seriously ok. Last night I realised that I might actually not have had any real feelings for Sweetie after all. It may just have been an ego issue. See, I've always been the one who gets told that I'm driving people nuts, and that I'm wanted, blah blah blah. So, I'm thinking that maybe being the one taken for a test drive, instead of being the tester, threw me. Made me loopy for a while. Isn't that just too shallow for words? I also think that part of the problem is that I consider myself ready for The Relationship, and made so many preparations before Sweetie came along, that I decided beforehand he would be It. Thing is, yes, I do think that we have some kind of link, and yes, I am very drawn to him, but, obviously that's gonna wait for the next lifetime, maybe we'll sort it out then. Or, maybe this was about paying karma, which I've always felt I owe him, for treating him the way I did when I was a angst-ridden teen. I am kinda sad, I mean, rejection is never on one's list of fave things to receive, is it? But if it's an ego-issue, damn! I did not think I could be that shallow - Live and learn, heh? I pray the angels of Love drench him in what he wants, he's too good a catch to not have love. For me, nothing's changed, I'm still the same, doing what I do, feeling what I feel. The world turns once again. Whatever this was, it's over, and that's ok. Really, really ok.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Cold
Ok, First, it was hot. Very hot, too hot. Now, it's so cold, I feel like I have to turn away, and try to keep myself warm somewhere else. And no, I' ain't talkin about the weather. I'm talkin about a situation.
I am trying my best to give this person space, while at the same time keeping my rapidly-approaching insanity, quiet. I am going crazy second-guessing what's going on. How can we go from "Let me know if I'm crowding you?" to not having spoken in a week, plus no answer of sms's. I am stumped. Truly, check mate, mate. I do not have a clue.
If the angels in charge of the situation reads this, I just wanna know, ok? I won't get pissed or anything, I just wanna know. Please, you know, like, PRETTY PLEASE?
'Ta.
I am trying my best to give this person space, while at the same time keeping my rapidly-approaching insanity, quiet. I am going crazy second-guessing what's going on. How can we go from "Let me know if I'm crowding you?" to not having spoken in a week, plus no answer of sms's. I am stumped. Truly, check mate, mate. I do not have a clue.
If the angels in charge of the situation reads this, I just wanna know, ok? I won't get pissed or anything, I just wanna know. Please, you know, like, PRETTY PLEASE?
'Ta.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Emotional Theme for the past 2 days
Just 3 miles from the Rest Stop
and she slams on the brakes.
She said "I tried to be, but I'm not,
and could you please collect your things.
I don't wanna be cold,
I don't wanna be cruel,
but I gotta find more
than what's happenin with you,
if you'd, open up the door."
She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin, when
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve,
are you listening, can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?"
Just 3 miles from the Rest Stop
and my mouth's too dry to rage
the light was shining from the radio
I could barely see her face.
But she knew all the words that I never had said,
she knew the crumpled-up promise of this
broken down man. And as I opened up the door
She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listenin to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin when,
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve.
Are you listening, can you hear?
Have you forgotten?"
She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listenin to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin when,
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve.
Are you listening, can you hear me?"
Matchbox 20 - Rest Stop
and she slams on the brakes.
She said "I tried to be, but I'm not,
and could you please collect your things.
I don't wanna be cold,
I don't wanna be cruel,
but I gotta find more
than what's happenin with you,
if you'd, open up the door."
She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin, when
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve,
are you listening, can you hear me?
Have you forgotten?"
Just 3 miles from the Rest Stop
and my mouth's too dry to rage
the light was shining from the radio
I could barely see her face.
But she knew all the words that I never had said,
she knew the crumpled-up promise of this
broken down man. And as I opened up the door
She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listenin to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin when,
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve.
Are you listening, can you hear?
Have you forgotten?"
She said: "While you were sleeping
I was listenin to the radio
and wonderin what you're dreamin when,
it came to mind that I didn't care.
So I thought, hell, if it's over
I had better end it quick
or I could lose my nerve.
Are you listening, can you hear me?"
Matchbox 20 - Rest Stop
That Sinking Feeling
I have worked very hard, in the last couple of years, on not letting myself sink too deeply into the quicksand of depression when bad stuff happens. And, as a matter of personal pride, I've managed pretty well.
On all subjects except finances, that is. This is the one area that gets me, that pulls and pulls, until I start swallowing sand, stop struggling, and close my eyes. My finances have always been a dire strait. There's never enough, and if I don't get that little bit extra I sometimes get, if we're lucky at work, I don't make it. And, if the little extra stays away for more than 2 months, I'm fucked. Like now. This month I'm stressing about not being able to pay rent, again. And, if I can't pay, and we have to move, mom loses the roof over her head with me. And my son, and our dogs, cats, everything.
I am really bad at financial planning, I know, I also have a bit of a addiction to shopping, which I'm dealing with, but slowly. So, I kinda get myself in spots too tight to move, and being claustrophobic, feeling this restrained makes the panic push up like vomit.
The threat of not being able to pull rabbits out of hats are always present, and it drives me to the darkest of despair. This is the most powerless I ever feel, and there's nothing I hate more than this.
On all subjects except finances, that is. This is the one area that gets me, that pulls and pulls, until I start swallowing sand, stop struggling, and close my eyes. My finances have always been a dire strait. There's never enough, and if I don't get that little bit extra I sometimes get, if we're lucky at work, I don't make it. And, if the little extra stays away for more than 2 months, I'm fucked. Like now. This month I'm stressing about not being able to pay rent, again. And, if I can't pay, and we have to move, mom loses the roof over her head with me. And my son, and our dogs, cats, everything.
I am really bad at financial planning, I know, I also have a bit of a addiction to shopping, which I'm dealing with, but slowly. So, I kinda get myself in spots too tight to move, and being claustrophobic, feeling this restrained makes the panic push up like vomit.
The threat of not being able to pull rabbits out of hats are always present, and it drives me to the darkest of despair. This is the most powerless I ever feel, and there's nothing I hate more than this.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Don't screw with my Filing System!
Ok, here's the thing;I like categorising things, and people, and what they are in relation to me. Eg. Friend, Partner, Family, you get the picture? This way, I know which behaviour is suited to which person - no kissing other than Happy Birthday and special holidays for Friends, no telling embarrassing secrest to Family (it'll reach them via some other source anyway, which is so much MORE FUN!) blah blah blah. Keep 'em seperate, and don't get the lines blurred, s'what I say.
"Till now, this is a theory that has worked out extremely well for me. Not so much anymore. There's this new person, Sweetie/Honey. Now, this is a file I'd like in my filing system for a long, long time, problem is, he's gonna have to have his own category, cos the bugger refuses to stick to my existing system.
Past experience taught me to place files that carry the same potential as his, under the 'Partner', or 'Potential Partner' heading (where they never stayed very long, I have to admit, before being moved to File 13) Only, he doesn't want to go there. According to him, he wants in at the 'Friend' level, which is fine, only, he sure doesn't feel like a 'Friend', and it's confusing the living crap outta me.At one moment, teasing him like only a good friend would, and the next to physically restrain myself from jumping him when he gives me those soulfull looks. Daaaaaaang!
Still, I really, really want to respect what he wants, cos what he wants makes a helluva lotta sense, and I should be able to restrain myself, shouldn't I? If only it wasn't so damn confusing. Think I may need to book an appointment at my optometrist, feel a little cross-eyed from tryin' to read all these mixed signals.
"Till now, this is a theory that has worked out extremely well for me. Not so much anymore. There's this new person, Sweetie/Honey. Now, this is a file I'd like in my filing system for a long, long time, problem is, he's gonna have to have his own category, cos the bugger refuses to stick to my existing system.
Past experience taught me to place files that carry the same potential as his, under the 'Partner', or 'Potential Partner' heading (where they never stayed very long, I have to admit, before being moved to File 13) Only, he doesn't want to go there. According to him, he wants in at the 'Friend' level, which is fine, only, he sure doesn't feel like a 'Friend', and it's confusing the living crap outta me.At one moment, teasing him like only a good friend would, and the next to physically restrain myself from jumping him when he gives me those soulfull looks. Daaaaaaang!
Still, I really, really want to respect what he wants, cos what he wants makes a helluva lotta sense, and I should be able to restrain myself, shouldn't I? If only it wasn't so damn confusing. Think I may need to book an appointment at my optometrist, feel a little cross-eyed from tryin' to read all these mixed signals.
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