Don't go there. No, I am not unsure about my sexual orientation, and no, have never been. But I did love a woman, very deeply, for a very long time. And still do.
My best friend at school, Karla. We met in Primary School, and were inseperable untill our second last year of High School. Now, Karla was everything I wanted to be, and was too afraid to be. She was silly, she was outrageous, she was impulsive, she was ... just so damn ALIVE!
She stole liquor from her dad's bar, she did handstands in the main road, she kissed and fooled around with older guys when I was primly smoothing my school skirt over my knees, and wishing it was me. She was the one and only reason I didn't turn out to be the weird girl sitting alone staring at everybody with that absent expression. She dragged me along to school dances, she taught me to drink, smoke, and flirt. And, I know that's not something I, as parent, should be promoting, but what I'm trying to say is that Karla made me live. She forced me to step out of my little tower, and take risks, and run away laughing.
We spent the day at school together, and after school we'd talk for hours on the phone, we went for Sunday afternoon bike rides to get sweets. We had sleep-overs, we went swimming, we did everything together.
The reason we stopped being best friends, is that I got so damn jealous, she started turning away from me just to hold on to who she was. So, one day, she just didn't turn up at 'our spot' during school break. We never did have a fight about it, but I never really got over that. I still miss her, every day. Even though we studied at the same tech, things were by then, so different, that we rarely had meaningful contact. She left to study something else, got married and moved to the UK. Last time we had contact was when she came here for a visit, she was having a difficult time in her personal life, and I was full of self-righteous shit, so I had AALLL the answers.
There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and so many things I would and wouldn't do. I've tried to find her a few times, but she's disappeared. The one thing that I will always always hug to me, is the unconditional acceptance she gave me, as long as I gave her the chance.
I hope I'll see you again one day, Karla, I really do. I love you, always have, always will. You will always be my bestest friend. The one I could tell secrets to, and know you would never gasp, or tell. You were a part of my life that makes me smile, and for that, I am thankfull, and send out all the love I can, and hope that you're still around, so that a small part of it, can find you. And give you the hug my heart holds.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Ignoring does not equal Accepting
Now I know, someone classified as "highly gifted" by the IQ obsessed school system of the 80's, should not have taken this long to grasp the concept. And I have no defense, save to say, there's none so blind as those who will not see.
You see, acknowledging that ignoring something does not mean you accepted it, would open up a barrel of worms for me. And lately, I've been dealing with all kinds of other shallow shit. So, digging deeper into the scary recesses of my psyche, was just not a priority.
So why now? Cos, apparently, it's time. As a willing reader and believer of 'signs', obvious and not-so-obvious, I feel like I'm being nudged gently into a certain direction, and digging in my heels is just getting too much of an effort.
Case in point: I just got up to go to the bathroom, and found the second heart-shaped pendant in 2 days. Just lying there, outside the door, waiting for me. First one was at home, where it should not have been.
The message I'm supposed to be trying to get through to my nether recesses, is, I think, that in order to have love, you have to believe in love. Like fairies, you have to believe in them to see them. Thing is, there's a difference between saying "I do believe in Fairies" and saying "I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES". And for a long long time now, I've been believing in love in lower case, and I'm just not sure I can believe in upper case anymore. I've been working so hard so strip my life down to the stuff and the people that actually add value, that I'm afraid my belief in romantic love has gone the way of the Dodo.
What's pretty ironic, is that ever since I've been able to identify the emotion pain, I've been working on being able to shield myself from it. And now, when even the loss of friends barely cause a ripple in the pond, I find that being numb has it's disadvantages. Only I'm not sure whether the advantages of this numbness don't still outweight the disadvantages, and whether it's worth trying to reverse the process, and being vulnerale to life's knocks again.
The way I see it, there're 2 choices:
Either open myself up to real emotion again;
or, accept that I will only have love in lower case, and forget about the grand kind of LOVE.
Either way, I gotta stop pretending not to notice the currents sweeping along above me, and decide whether I'm gonna swim again, or pile more rocks on top of me, to stay under.
You see, acknowledging that ignoring something does not mean you accepted it, would open up a barrel of worms for me. And lately, I've been dealing with all kinds of other shallow shit. So, digging deeper into the scary recesses of my psyche, was just not a priority.
So why now? Cos, apparently, it's time. As a willing reader and believer of 'signs', obvious and not-so-obvious, I feel like I'm being nudged gently into a certain direction, and digging in my heels is just getting too much of an effort.
Case in point: I just got up to go to the bathroom, and found the second heart-shaped pendant in 2 days. Just lying there, outside the door, waiting for me. First one was at home, where it should not have been.
The message I'm supposed to be trying to get through to my nether recesses, is, I think, that in order to have love, you have to believe in love. Like fairies, you have to believe in them to see them. Thing is, there's a difference between saying "I do believe in Fairies" and saying "I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES". And for a long long time now, I've been believing in love in lower case, and I'm just not sure I can believe in upper case anymore. I've been working so hard so strip my life down to the stuff and the people that actually add value, that I'm afraid my belief in romantic love has gone the way of the Dodo.
What's pretty ironic, is that ever since I've been able to identify the emotion pain, I've been working on being able to shield myself from it. And now, when even the loss of friends barely cause a ripple in the pond, I find that being numb has it's disadvantages. Only I'm not sure whether the advantages of this numbness don't still outweight the disadvantages, and whether it's worth trying to reverse the process, and being vulnerale to life's knocks again.
The way I see it, there're 2 choices:
Either open myself up to real emotion again;
or, accept that I will only have love in lower case, and forget about the grand kind of LOVE.
Either way, I gotta stop pretending not to notice the currents sweeping along above me, and decide whether I'm gonna swim again, or pile more rocks on top of me, to stay under.
Friday, April 20, 2007
..... now you've gone and pissed me off!
Ok, I'm done with him. I've been wondering and wondering for months now, and, today, I have my answer. And the answer is, very clearly, firmly, NO!
What? A guy. Whether there's a possibility of more than 'friendship'. And, no, there sure as hell ain't.
Why? Cos I was looking for a sign, and being rude, qualifies. You don't respect me, you're out. Fuck you, and whatever you rode in on.
So, bye bye birdie. Enjoy the rest of it.
What? A guy. Whether there's a possibility of more than 'friendship'. And, no, there sure as hell ain't.
Why? Cos I was looking for a sign, and being rude, qualifies. You don't respect me, you're out. Fuck you, and whatever you rode in on.
So, bye bye birdie. Enjoy the rest of it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Laurell's got jokes!
My favourite author of the moment is Laurell K. Hamilton. Now, if you've never read her, there's really no way to explain her genre. But, I'll try. It's kinda a mix or horror, mystery, fantasy and erotica all in one. Love it! The graphics are artwork and a toy that has been created based on one of her series', and I think they're hilarious (you'd have to read the series to appreciate it fully)!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Let Me Watch You Make Love
Sometimes I wonder
at this shame I hide
pare away the man,
and find the worm inside.
*
Your mind's unclear
and instinct is a lie,
I hear what you say you'd do
and I wish it was true.
*
How can he take you
when you give yourself?
All the old lines
just to bind yourself,
*
then you wrap yourself around me
and whisper in my ear:
"Where is your jealousy?"
All I feel is fear.
*
I want to hear it,
and I want to see.
Let me watch you make love
and imagine that it's me.
*
I want to hear it,
and I want to see.
Let me watch you make love
and imagine that it's me.
Aren't they just beautifully twisted lyrics? I rediscovered Black recently, after bopping to his chart hits years ago as pre-teen. It's only now that I realise that the lyrics he sings are multi-layered, and that hearing them again and again, only opens up new scenes every time. I love the totally human, realistic, hurtfull essence of this song. We are a bent bunch, but most of the time we work pretty hard at denying it, and he just doesn't. No pretending.
Issue de jeur:
Usually, when a guy touches me in an aggressive way, I freak out. I start shaking, go white as a sheet, and my fight-or-flight response goes into overdrive. Remnant of my childhood that's hard to shake. Last week, first time in my life, I didn't. Now, maybe I should qualify what I consider an "Aggressive Touch", it would be any kind of restraining touch, eg trying to keep me from moving away from someone, trying to move me away from someone/something, dragging me around, basically. You wanna piss me off big-time, that's the way to do it. So, to get back to my issue, this is the situation. I have mentioned TC before, a collegue I am very attracted to physically, but he's involved with someone, and gives me more mixed signals than a 4-year old learning sign language. So, I avoid him as much as I can, but had to contact him last week to make an appointment for my mom, who needed his expertise. When I took her to him, he was sitting outside his office, at his PA's desk, and we showed up at the same time as another male collegue, whom I like to give a hard time. Which I promptly did, by telling him he needs to leave, as I got there first. Sometime during this friendly argument, TC got up and invited my mom into his office, and was standing behind me. Getting right into this smart-ass moment, I mouthed-off to him, too, he reacted rather suddenly by grabbing me by the arm, and using his body to propel me into his office by force. I remember the grip on my arm, and I remember gasping for breath in his office. The inbetween is gone. I clutched out. But, instead of freaking out, and going into fight-mode, I liked it! I'm just not really sure what the motivation behind it was on his side. He is very reserved usually, especially physically, he only ever touches me when he has good reason to, eg birthdays etc. So, this very public, very macho display, was a huge surprise. Drew the conclusion a while ago that TC is either insanely jealous of what he considers his at a specific moment, or he just doesn't like having other males around when he's talking to me. So, I'm wondering if the grabbing was some kind of show of ownership, or resentment that I was joking with the other collegue. Apparently, he expected me to stay while he was helping my mom, and seemed miffed when I left. Fascinating to me, so I don't really care whether readers find this as interesting as I do. I would love to know what the motivation was. Curiouser and curiouser. The incident, of course, led to a whole new batch of unwanted fantasies, very little sleep, and surprise at my own reaction.
Does this mean that my fear is slowing getting more logical, more realistic, and that my body is learning to distinguish between real danger and "innocent" moments? Goddess, I hope so!
at this shame I hide
pare away the man,
and find the worm inside.
*
Your mind's unclear
and instinct is a lie,
I hear what you say you'd do
and I wish it was true.
*
How can he take you
when you give yourself?
All the old lines
just to bind yourself,
*
then you wrap yourself around me
and whisper in my ear:
"Where is your jealousy?"
All I feel is fear.
*
I want to hear it,
and I want to see.
Let me watch you make love
and imagine that it's me.
*
I want to hear it,
and I want to see.
Let me watch you make love
and imagine that it's me.
-Black
Aren't they just beautifully twisted lyrics? I rediscovered Black recently, after bopping to his chart hits years ago as pre-teen. It's only now that I realise that the lyrics he sings are multi-layered, and that hearing them again and again, only opens up new scenes every time. I love the totally human, realistic, hurtfull essence of this song. We are a bent bunch, but most of the time we work pretty hard at denying it, and he just doesn't. No pretending.
Issue de jeur:
Usually, when a guy touches me in an aggressive way, I freak out. I start shaking, go white as a sheet, and my fight-or-flight response goes into overdrive. Remnant of my childhood that's hard to shake. Last week, first time in my life, I didn't. Now, maybe I should qualify what I consider an "Aggressive Touch", it would be any kind of restraining touch, eg trying to keep me from moving away from someone, trying to move me away from someone/something, dragging me around, basically. You wanna piss me off big-time, that's the way to do it. So, to get back to my issue, this is the situation. I have mentioned TC before, a collegue I am very attracted to physically, but he's involved with someone, and gives me more mixed signals than a 4-year old learning sign language. So, I avoid him as much as I can, but had to contact him last week to make an appointment for my mom, who needed his expertise. When I took her to him, he was sitting outside his office, at his PA's desk, and we showed up at the same time as another male collegue, whom I like to give a hard time. Which I promptly did, by telling him he needs to leave, as I got there first. Sometime during this friendly argument, TC got up and invited my mom into his office, and was standing behind me. Getting right into this smart-ass moment, I mouthed-off to him, too, he reacted rather suddenly by grabbing me by the arm, and using his body to propel me into his office by force. I remember the grip on my arm, and I remember gasping for breath in his office. The inbetween is gone. I clutched out. But, instead of freaking out, and going into fight-mode, I liked it! I'm just not really sure what the motivation behind it was on his side. He is very reserved usually, especially physically, he only ever touches me when he has good reason to, eg birthdays etc. So, this very public, very macho display, was a huge surprise. Drew the conclusion a while ago that TC is either insanely jealous of what he considers his at a specific moment, or he just doesn't like having other males around when he's talking to me. So, I'm wondering if the grabbing was some kind of show of ownership, or resentment that I was joking with the other collegue. Apparently, he expected me to stay while he was helping my mom, and seemed miffed when I left. Fascinating to me, so I don't really care whether readers find this as interesting as I do. I would love to know what the motivation was. Curiouser and curiouser. The incident, of course, led to a whole new batch of unwanted fantasies, very little sleep, and surprise at my own reaction.
Does this mean that my fear is slowing getting more logical, more realistic, and that my body is learning to distinguish between real danger and "innocent" moments? Goddess, I hope so!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Monday, April 02, 2007
Satori!
Now I get it. The concept that's been trying to work it's way from my subconscious to the conscious, has finally broken through.
I was reading in a very comfy lounge chair yesterday, and suddenly it occurred to me that I wasn't cold, even though the weather was chilly, which is strange, sinde I usually turn blue at the first since of chill. Then, I noticed four little flames dotted on and around my lap. My dogs were laying in their favourite place in the world, which is either on top of, or as closely next to me, as they can get. And it hit me, I am loved in the most amazing way there is! Unconditionally!
There is nothing I can do that is bad enough to make them stop loving me, I can starve them, abuse them, ignore them, shriek at them. They will still love me, with everything their little bodies can hold. They don't care whether I can buy the fanciest food, they don't give a shit about whether I give other dogs the same attention they get, or whether I come home late, early, they just love me. No strings attached, and I have to say that again, NO strings attached. There is no reason, rhyme, logic, craziness attached to it. It just is. Unlike any human's love, which cos of our nature, can never be that, I have unconditional love.
So what the hell am I looking for? I have know all my life that this is what I want, and when I was small I knew exactly how to fill my life with it, I made my future plans based on that. Then, somewhere, something happened that made me think "I can't do that" and I stopped believing that my life can be filled with love. Now, I've found it again, right on my lap, and I find it unbearably sad that I'm not that faithful little girl that just wants to give and get unconditional love anymore. I'm gonna start looking for a way to get back there.
Anybody have a spare pair of ruby slippers?
I was reading in a very comfy lounge chair yesterday, and suddenly it occurred to me that I wasn't cold, even though the weather was chilly, which is strange, sinde I usually turn blue at the first since of chill. Then, I noticed four little flames dotted on and around my lap. My dogs were laying in their favourite place in the world, which is either on top of, or as closely next to me, as they can get. And it hit me, I am loved in the most amazing way there is! Unconditionally!
There is nothing I can do that is bad enough to make them stop loving me, I can starve them, abuse them, ignore them, shriek at them. They will still love me, with everything their little bodies can hold. They don't care whether I can buy the fanciest food, they don't give a shit about whether I give other dogs the same attention they get, or whether I come home late, early, they just love me. No strings attached, and I have to say that again, NO strings attached. There is no reason, rhyme, logic, craziness attached to it. It just is. Unlike any human's love, which cos of our nature, can never be that, I have unconditional love.
So what the hell am I looking for? I have know all my life that this is what I want, and when I was small I knew exactly how to fill my life with it, I made my future plans based on that. Then, somewhere, something happened that made me think "I can't do that" and I stopped believing that my life can be filled with love. Now, I've found it again, right on my lap, and I find it unbearably sad that I'm not that faithful little girl that just wants to give and get unconditional love anymore. I'm gonna start looking for a way to get back there.
Anybody have a spare pair of ruby slippers?
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